


Untangling the Lanes

by kikubeamblah



Series: Untangling The Lanes [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Familial Abuse, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-20 08:36:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 53,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1503887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikubeamblah/pseuds/kikubeamblah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>10 years have gone by since the boys got out of high school. Rei and Makoto have lost touch with Rin and Nagisa. Makoto is working late one night when a drunken Nagisa stumbles into his cafe triggering Makoto's past with Haruka to unfold. (Yaoi)</p><p>This story is primarily a RinHaru fic, with minor Harumako and Nagisarei.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this last year and it is all posted on FF.net. I am moving it over to here now. Enjoy.

Makoto finished the sweeping for the day, and slid the broom into its home.

  
“Thank you for your help,” he announced to his underlings, two students in high school who worked part-time jobs for him. They nodded and thanked him. The pair who worked for him bowed, and they went on their way. A bell chimed as they closed the big white front door behind them. He didn't bother locking it yet. In this small oceanside town, no one would bother the shop, and he had a lot of work to do still.

  
He hung his apron on a hook near the door. The apron had Manager stitched in big red letters on it. It had been almost 5 years since he bought this place, Mackerel Cafe. Most people in the town, along with the visitors to it, assumed that the blue color and the name of the cafe came from the fact that the shop was facing the ocean. The name itself was something of a ghost to him, when he named the shop, it seemed to be the only possible name for it. Now though, even he associated the name with the water more than with the person that inspired the name, but that was a different story.

  
He stepped into the back of the store, and gathered the paperwork. Makoto hated working in the back office, it was small and cramped for one thing, but the main reason was that it was a bit creepy to be back there all by himself. He closed the door behind him, and went back into the front with his arms full of paper. The paper slammed against one of the cafe tables, which were painted to make them look like shells. He sat down in one of the chairs, they were wooden and rustic, and looked like beach chairs. Holding a pen he started to go over this month's budget, and review the orders. Outside, the waves crashed, and if he had listened for it, Makoto could have heard the sound. His cafe was practically on the beach after all. But, he was in his own world. He heard nothing, his thoughts were focused on the numbers. He didn't even notice the loud drunken person walking outside, not until that person swung open the door causing the bell to clang.

Makoto's head flung to see who had interrupted his silence. It was a blonde man, with wavy hair, and flushed cheeks. He was wearing most of a suit, but missing the jacket.

  
“Uwah! I would die for something to eat! I didn't think anywhere would be open at this hour, I'm savedddddd,” the blonde shouted, unaware of the pitch of his voice.

  
Makoto frowned, “Sorry, but we're actually closed, I just didn't lock the door.”

  
The blonde's movements were exaggerated as he swung his arms around, knocking against the aprons, “Oh man, that SUCKS. I'm starrrrving. Say, you wouldn't happen to know anywhere to eat around here wouldya?”

  
“Mmm,” Makoto shrugged his shoulders, the town was relatively sleepy, especially as the summer season started to end, “I don't know of anywhere, sorry.”

  
The blonde slumped, “This is horrible. I would seriously give you like a hundred dollars for a cheeseburger. Holy fuck, I'm so hungry.”

  
Makoto stifled a laugh, he'd been in this guy's position before, and knew how a drunk craving could feel, “For a hundred bucks, I'd just about do anything.”

  
And it was true, the shop always struggled off season and he knew that was coming.

  
“Seriously, I would,” the blonde insisted pulling out his wallet and revealing a surprising amount of money, “maybe a fifty for some water too, I'm suddenly super thirsty.”

  
“I couldn't take your money like that, but let me get you some water. We may have some pastries left over which I could give you,” Makoto offered, he usually just threw them away by this time, but he hadn't gotten to that job yet. He checked his watch, it was almost 11. Well, he'd help this guy get sobered up and then save the rest of the work for tomorrow, he thought.

  
The guy was ecstatic, “Everyone here is so damn nice. You're closed and I'm making a huge ass of myself here, but really, everyone here is so fucking nice.”

  
Makoto started to fix the water and smiled to himself, it was true though, everyone here was pretty nice. That's how it was in small towns though, “Are you visiting?”

  
“Yeah, I'm on vacation from Tokyo,” the blonde said taking the glass of water from Makoto, “I used to live like an hour from here and my family insisted we come here. But, christ, my siblings drink a lot, and I can barely keep up. I stepped out to cool off, and well, here I am.”

  
The blonde took a giant gulp of the water and stared at Makoto who was working to get some muffins out from the case. His vision had been blurred before, and was still a bit fuzzy, but he was sure he recognized Makoto, “Holy shit.”

  
“What?” Makoto asked, pulling out two chocolate chip muffins and handing them to the blonde, he had taken out a third one for himself.

  
“Stand still,” the blonde said crushing the muffin into his mouth, “holy fuck. First off, these are the best muffins I've ever had. Like seriously, ever. What do you put in them?”

  
Makoto just smiled, “Thanks.”

  
“Oh crap, I forgot what I was saying, yeah,” he struggled between bites, “you look like this guy I know.”

  
Makoto shook his head, “It's true, I grew up about an hour from here too, but I don't know anyone in Tokyo.”

  
“Yeah, I guess it'd be pretty crazy to meet Makoto here in a cafe,” the blonde shrugged and gulped down the water.

  
“Wait, what did you call me?” Makoto asked.

  
“Makoto, he's this guy I went through Kindergarten to Senior year with. We lost touch after that though, I went to college. You look just like him though,” he was sobering up a bit thanks to the water.  
Makoto nodded, “That is me. Who are you?”

  
“You don't recognize me? Man that's cold. It's me, Nagisa,” Nagisa replied.

  
“Holy shit,” and suddenly it was clear, the suit had thrown him off, and the man was much older in front of him, but it was definitely Nagisa.

  
“I know, right? Crazy meeting here. What are you doing running a cafe?” Nagisa asked.

  
Makoto took another bite of his muffin, “After high school, I travelled for a bit and then, I just wanted to start somewhere new, but couldn't go very far, so I ended up here. I started here around when you must have finished college, and when the owner died, he gave it to me.”

  
“That's right, I remember you and Haru got into a fight and then, when we'd come home, you stopped hanging out with us,” Nagisa's bluntness was fueled partially by the alcohol.

  
Makoto looked away, “Yeah.”

 

“So, you've ended up here and we've met. Musta been fate,” Nagisa said.

  
Makoto didn't say anything after that. After a while, Nagisa finished his muffins and said, “Thanks for the snack man. Let me pay for them.”

  
Makoto shook his head, “You're an old friend. They were just going to get thrown away anyway.”

  
Nagisa bowed, “Thanks man.”

  
Nagisa, feeling a lot more sober at this point, headed for the door to go home, “We should catch up while I'm here.”

  
“Yeah,” Makoto replied, he was reeling from the surprise of his friend's rather sudden appearance into his life after several years. Soon after Nagisa left, Makoto decided that it was time for him to head home too. As the key turned in the lock, his eyes closed, suddenly he was feeling much more exhausted than he had been.

 

XXX

A few weeks went by and Nagisa didn't show up for what Makoto assumed must have been the rest of his vacation. As the time passed, Makoto began to wonder if he had imagined the appearance of his friend that night. Instead he decided that it was likely that Nagisa was simply too drunk to remember running into him. Or perhaps he was embarrassed for being that drunk in front of an old acquaintance. Even though there were ways for Makoto to contact Nagisa, he didn't make the effort. There was really nothing that Makoto wanted to say to Nagisa or to any of his old friends for that matter. Eventually, the whole event disappeared from Makoto's mind. That was until the day that another old friend appeared at his door. Again late at night, again after closing, but this time, the friend was stone cold sober, and this one had been more than a friend, much more than a friend.

  
The bell chimed slightly indicating the opening of the door. It startled Makoto and so he turned to greet his guest. It was colder than it had been when Nagisa visited. Nagisa visited at the end of the season, the beginning of off-season. Now, it was the coldest time of the year, the heart of off-season. As such, the gentleman in front of Makoto was wearing a thick scarf and a blue coat which matched his hair. His expression was mild, and unlike Nagisa who Makoto barely recognized, there was no way Makoto would not recognize Haruka.

  
Still though, that did not keep him from being shocked. There were so many questions he wanted to ask, and yet, Makoto sat silently.

  
Haru smiled softly and looked away, “I know you're closed, but I was wondering if I could get something to drink.”

  
The truth was that this was not Haru's first visit to the shop. For the past week, he had been walking around outside and stopping every time he passed by in the evening. Tonight, however, was the first night that he finally worked up the courage to walk in the door.

  
Makoto nodded, for once, he was the quiet one in their relationship. Internally, he laughed in response to that, but externally, his expression was cold. He wanted to pinch himself, he never imagined that he'd see Haru again. Not after what happened between the two of them.

  
“It's been awhile, hasn't it?” Makoto finally managed, as he walked behind the counter and turned on the water heater for tea.

  
Haru nodded.

  
“To be perfectly honest, Haru, I'm shocked to see you here,” Makoto said softly. He hadn't meant to call Haruka by his nickname, but it rolled off his tongue just as it had so many years ago. The water started to bubble a bit, but was far from a boil.

  
Haru nodded again. He didn't think he'd ever be able to face Makoto again. Not after what happened. Not after what he did.

  
“How's Rin?” Makoto blurted out. He hadn't meant to ask that. It sort of slipped out, like one of those questions you know you shouldn't ask, but can't not ask either. He hoped that he didn't sound overly curious or jealous or anything.

  
Haru's eyes closed, this wasn't going to be easy. Not that he had expected it to be, that was why he avoided coming inside for so long after all, “Don't know.”

  
Makoto wanted to ask more, but he didn't. He knew better, he had already been overly curious, he'd have to wait for more information on Rin. Still, as he was turned away from Haru, pouring the tea, he had to ask, “So, why are you here?”

  
“I heard from Nagisa that this was where you were hiding out,” that information had come at a price, “and I knew I had to see you. I've been wanting to see you for a long time.”

  
Makoto handed Haru a cup of tea, and took one for himself. They sat together back at one of the tables in the cafe, “Well, it was quite a surprise to see Nagisa after all those years, but nothing compared to the surprise of seeing you. You look well.”

  
“Thanks,” and a small smile appeared on Haru's lips.

  
“But -” and this was hard for Makoto to say, which is why it was nice that Haru interrupted him.

“But, you want me to leave,” Haruka finished.

  
Makoto looked away, and then, shut his eyes, and nodded slowly. It wasn't exactly true. He didn't want Haru to leave. He wanted Haru to stay and to be even closer to him, but he needed Haru to leave. Otherwise, his work over the last few years would have been for nothing.

  
Haru nodded, “I know. I just had to see you. It's been such a long time, and you were an important part of my life. It was selfish, I know. I moved close to here last week, and I just thought it would be best if I came to see you instead of just running into you.”

  
Makoto nodded, again, he was put into the quieter position. It was unusual, but too many thoughts were running through his head, the primary one being that Haruka, the world's most famous swimmer had moved to this sleepy town? He didn't ask, “I see.”

  
Haru set the cup back on the table, he hadn't hoped it would be this awkward. He had hoped things would go back to how they used to be, but nothing happens that quickly, “Well, I guess I'll see you around.”

  
“Mn,” Makoto replied, picking up Haru's cup.

  
And soon after, just as quickly as he had appeared, Haruka went back out into the cold. Once again, Makoto was left alone in his shop to reflect. Soon after, he gathered his things and headed back to his home.

XXX

“You went to go see him?! Finally!” Nagisa cheered, and then, his voice changed, “don't you think it's a bit crazy that he leaves the door to his store unlocked when he's there at night?”

  
Even over the phone, Haru could imagine his expression. Nagisa kept talking for awhile, not giving Haru a chance to respond, but eventually, he asked.

  
“So? How'd it go?” Nagisa asked into the phone, “Are you two in love again?”

  
Haru frowned, “Poorly.”

  
“Poorly?” Nagisa asked, “What do you mean?”

  
“He wasn't happy to see me,” Haru replied, fiddling with the charm on his cellphone. Even though Haru had expected that, it was difficult.

  
Nagisa replied carefully, “These things take time.”

  
But, Haru couldn't help thinking that it would be impossible.

  
Nagisa was silent for awhile, thinking of a way to cheer up his friend, “Well, did he ask about Rin?”

  
Haru replied, “Yes.”

  
“And?! Did you tell him about him?” Nagisa implored.

  
“Just that I didn't know,” Haru answered.

  
Nagisa smiled, “At least he asked. That means he's still interested. That shop name too. You know that was for you.”

  
“Yeah,” Haru replied, but he couldn't share Nagisa's enthusiasm. In life, we make decisions, and sometimes, the effects of those decisions can't be undone. Haru couldn't help, but feel this was one of those times.

XXX

“I don't think we should see each other anymore.”

  
“What?! Why not?”

  
“It's just not the same, you know, as it was with him.”

  
“What?”

  
“I'm sorry, I'm just not good enough I guess. I'll always love you, and if the day comes when you feel the same, I'll be here. I just can't do this anymore. Until then, I don't think I can be around you. It just hurts too much, I'm sorry.”

  
“N-No this isn't what I wanted.”

XXX

Haruka continued to go by the shop almost nightly to watch Makoto working. He kept thinking about what Nagisa said, and he couldn't help be concerned. No matter where you lived, it couldn't be safe to sit so late at night alone with the door unlocked. At least, that was the excuse Haruka used to stand outside watching Makoto. It's not like I'm stalking him, I'm protecting him.  
Haruka enjoyed watching the shop. It was obviously designed to reflect the water, the beach, and it somehow managed to overwhelm him with the feeling that he got when he swam. Even though it had not been the best of interactions with Makoto, he loved the feeling that he had while inside the shop. Haruka was able to get a glimpse of this feeling just from watching the shop. It made his skin crawl, it made his body tingle.

  
As Haruka was watching, something different happened, from the back someone entered the shop and joined Makoto. His surprise couldn't be contained, and out loud to himself he said, “It can't be...Rei?”

  
He yearned to listen to their conversation, but it was too soft for him to hear. He considered going inside and talking with them both. It had been so long since he had seen Rei. But, what would he say? It would be too much of a coincidence, he decided.

He thought about calling Nagisa, but there was something there he didn't want to touch. Haruka decided that he'd have to find a way to bump into Rei alone. Figuring that there was no reason to stay, he turned his heels and headed back to his new house.

XXX

“Hey,” Rei smiled and went to the pastry area and grabbed some old muffins for Makoto to eat with him.

  
Makoto smiled at Rei, “I love when you come visit me.”

  
“I know. I can't get here often enough. Damn! it's cold though,” Rei turned on the water heater and then sat down over by Makoto.

  
“How's the Inn?” Makoto asked.

“Well, you know it is, busy all the time,” Rei replied.

Makoto nodded, “Must be nice. Having a hotspring gets the tourists to visit you even in this weather.”

Rei agreed, “But, you know, it's difficult to keep up that beautiful image.”

Makoto laughed, that was how Rei had always been, concerned with beauty.

“You do a good job with it here, it feels like the ocean,” Rei complemented.

Makoto smiled.

“So, what's new with you?” Rei asked.

Makoto debated about telling Rei that Haru had visited. He knew that it wouldn't make Rei happy, and yet, it seemed impossible not to tell him. After all, they had become best friends after everything that happened. Finally, he started “Remember how I told you -” He stopped knowing he should avoid Nagisa. Luckily, he was interrupted by the sound of a whistle.

“Ah, let me get that,” Rei said, and he prepared the tea. He soon returned with two cups, one for him and one for Makoto, “Remember what?”

“I had a visit from an old friend of ours,” Makoto said softly.

Rei looked at him as though he were wondering why Makoto brought that up again, “And?”

“I had another visit,” Makoto answered.

“Nagisa?” Rei asked. The way that he said Nagisa's name was unusual, there was a combination of endearment and attachment and yet, there was an echo of pain.

“No,” Makoto replied.

“Then who -” Rei started to ask, but he figured out the answer before Makoto needed to tell him, and he simply sighed, “Haruka, eh? Well, how do you feel?”

“I don't know. He said that he moved here, and it was pretty obvious that he wanted something from me,” Makoto answered.

Rei frowned, “Did you -?”

“No. I told him that we shouldn't see each other and that I couldn't handle it,” Makoto replied.

“I'm proud of you,” Rei said. It would be a shame for him to tear down all the work, I've done, “Why didn't you tell me when this happened?”

“It was the other day, I just, didn't want to bother you with it, I know how busy you are, I guess,” Makoto apologized.

Rei nodded. After that, they discussed other things, but in the back of his mind, Rei knew, he was going to have to find Haruka and have a chat with him.

XXX

“Makoto? What are you doing here? You should be inside-”

“Oh, Rei? What a surprise. I guess you came for the big match. You should go inside.”

“But, why aren't you in there?”

“It didn't work out.”

“What?”

“...yeah.”

“Come back with me then.”

“But, what about the match?”

“It doesn't matter. Let's just go.”

When I saw you that day, I realized I had never noticed you. I didn't really support or not support your relationship with Haru, but that day changed my feelings about you. Seeing you sitting outside, I saw the most immense heartbreak. And, I just wanted us all to be happy. No, I didn't care about them, just you, I just wanted you to be happy.

XXX

Thanks to his friend who worked at the district and a six-pack, Rei was able to figure out Haruka's address. He wasn't too surprised by the area, it was where the rich supposedly bought second homes and what not, and Rei figured that was probably what Haruka had done. He arrived at the mansion which was up on a hill and had a clear view of the ocean. The place was beautiful, it was traditional Japanese style with a big gate and everything. Rei assumed knowing Haruka that the gate was unlocked and the door was open, but even so, Rei rang the bell.

  
Haru went outside to open the gate and see who had come to see him. There was evident surprise on his face when it had been Rei. He had spent a large part of the morning trying to decide how he could have a chance run in with Rei and yet there he was, at his doorstep.

  
“Would you like to come i-” Haruka started, but was interrupted.

  
“What the fuck is your problem?” Rei asked. He was mad. He had been mad about this whole thing, and it only got worse now that he was here.

  
Haruka's eyes widened.

  
“No seriously, I don't care if we go inside or if we do this out here. What the fuck were you thinking going to see him?”

  
Haruka had never seen Rei this mad, but he knew him to have a slight temper. He had gotten angry at Rin once when they were still in school, “I was just -”

  
“-You were just what? Trying to ruin his life again? I've worked so hard to put him back together and then, when he's finally getting to the point that he might consider fully moving on from you, you come here and just take that all away? Makoto can't be friends with you. And you can't be with him. You're just going to hurt each other,” the words spilled out of his mouth. Finally, he took a breath and waited.

  
“I..I know that. I just, I wanted to try to fix things with Makoto,” Haru stated.

  
Rei's brow furrowed, “When we were kids, your relationship with Rin was dangerous. He wasn't emotionally there for you like he should have been, and Makoto tried to be the right kind of person for you. And he was, but there was something so magnetic between you and Rin and you fucked up. So, now you've lost your chance.”

  
Haru paused for awhile, but suddenly something clicked, “Huh, you know, I never took you to be particularly close with Makoto, but I guess his sweetness must have gotten you.”

  
Rei glared at him, “What?”

  
“It must eat you up that Makoto is completely infatuated with me. Ironic since he's basically been in your position with me, you'd think he'd be more likely to settle,” Haru smirked.  
Rei frowned, “Rin's really rubbed off on you hasn't he?”

  
Haru laughed in response to that, “Quite the contrary, though I guess that was a bit mean of me. Look, I have no intention of stopping my pursuit of Makoto. I was hoping you'd help me out, but obviously not. It was nice seeing you again.”

  
Rei slammed a fist against the gate. This conversation did not go how he had hoped.

XXX

“I can't do this with you. I don't feel anything for you anymore.”

  
“Yeah right. This thing that you're doing with Makoto, to tell you the truth, I was jealous when I found out, but it's written all over your face. You don't love him and you never can love him. He's not me.”

  
“Look, let's just do this practice and go on our own separate ways.”

  
Rin leaned in and whispered, “If you're so sure, why are you trembling so much around me? Just admit it, you want me. You want me to push you against that wall over there and -”

  
But, he was cut off by lips being pressed against his.

XXX

“You'll never guess what happened when I was in the country. Like never,” the pair was sitting on a couch in a bar in Hiroo, Tokyo, their favorite place. Hiroo was near Roppongi, so it was a bit classier than some other parts of Tokyo, but it was slightly quieter than Roppongi. This particular bar was located up on the second and third floors of a building, and it was made up of several private rooms. Each of the rooms had couches, and little side tables. The feel was relaxing and so, the resulting ambiance was why Nagisa and Haruka utilized this bar as their go to hangout. They used to only get to go to the bar when Haruka visited. He had been rather busy up until the past year as a world class olympic swimmer, but he was finally at the point where he was too old for training. As a result, he had mostly retired. Haruka still had some sponsorships, and did advertisements, but in terms of living situation, Haruka was able to spend much more time in Tokyo now and he didn't have to worry about his diet so much, so they went rather frequently together to this bar.

  
Haruka sipped on his drink. He was drinking a melon drink as apparently that was the fruit in season. In this particular bar, you didn't order specific drinks like cuba libres or anything. You could do that, but most patrons didn't. The bartender, a new one actually and cute!, would enter the private room with a basket of different fruits, and would introduce them and their flavors – sweet or sour. A big focus was on fruits that were the freshest and most in season for the sake of having the best taste. Bartenders would also make recommendations about particular garnishes for those fruits and would select the alcohol for the cocktail. The patrons would decide what to have, and then, the bartenders would make that drink and return with it to the private room. After that, patrons were left alone, but there was a button that they could push if they wanted to order more.

  
Nagisa hadn't been expecting a response from Haruka, so he jumped into storytelling mode, “It was absolutely crazy, man. You know how my sisters are when we all get together. You've been there. They're nuts.”

  
To this, Haruka nodded, but he privately thought that Nagisa could be quite the partier even without his sisters.

  
Nagisa laughed, “Yeah, well, we were at the hotel bar, and we're drinking and having a good time and all that, and man, I got drunk. Like, for awhile there I was doing pretty good, but suddenly, it all hit me, you know?”

  
Haruka sort of knew. He had few experiences with alcohol compared to Nagisa, and when they occurred they were mostly followed by blackouts. As a professional athlete though, he wasn't able to participate in drinking very often. On the other hand, Nagisa, a businessman, was expected to go drinking with his coworkers on the regular. Even so, Haruka was only half-listening. This was how Nagisa told stories after all, lots of details, lots of unnecessary information, little point. He nodded, mostly to get Nagisa to continue.

  
“Okay, so, it hits me, and I go outside to cool off, because like man. When you're drunk in a bar at a certain point, you're just hot. I don't know why they don't have more air conditioning in bars. If I ran a bar-” at this point, Nagisa took note of Haruka's expression, “well, anyway. I go outside, and then, well, since I was drunk I was suddenly really hungry. I get that way when I'm drunk. Food is fucking delicious. Anyway, for some reason I was craving an American hamburger.”

Haruka gave him a somewhat surprised look. Nagisa only shrugged, “Anyway, I'm walking along trying to find somewhere, but this isn't Tokyo. I couldn't just like hop on the subway and go to one of the Hard Rock's. So I'm wandering around, and I end up over by the ocean. There's this cafe there, with the light on.”

  
Haruka started to wonder if the climax in this story was going to be that Nagisa got a hamburger. He had been expecting for his friend to tell him some great conquest when the story began, but at this rate, he couldn't be sure.

  
“And you know, I guess there must have been some sign that probably said 'Closed', but I was drunk, man. Good, happy, and hungry,” he shrugged and slyly added, “And you know, drunk.”

  
Haruka smiled in agreement.

  
“Anyway, I go in, cause the door was unlocked, and this guy tells me they are closed. But, he lets me in anyway cause I'm cute,” Nagisa embellished.

  
Ah, Haruka thought, here comes the hookup story. Something kinky with hamburgers. Or maybe spatulas?

  
“And you'll never believe who it was,” Nagisa finished.

  
That was unexpected, Nagisa usually just got straight to the conquest at this point, “I don't know. Who?”

  
“You think about it for a minute, I'm gonna go to the toilet,” Nagisa raised his hand up to steady himself and stood up, then walked out of the room leaving Haruka alone.

  
I have no idea who it could be, Haruka thought. He hit the button to order another drink, and the new bartender came back into the room.

  
“Would you like one more of the same or something different, sir?”

  
Haruka eyed him, he was young, younger than the type Haruka usually went for, but he was a bit cute and he occasionally enjoyed being dominant. It was obvious to Haruka that this was someone who'd enjoy being dominated and someone who would be easy for him to have. He wasn't in the mood for a challenge. Best of all though, he looked like a young Rin, but with brown hair. Haruka purred, “Something different.”

  
“Ah, sir, would you like me to get the basket or did you have something in mind?” the bartender asked.

  
“You pick,” this would be interesting, Haruka thought.

  
The bartender blushed a bit, “I'll do my best, sir. Oh, and I'll get your friend a refill.”

  
“Do that.”

  
The bartender left the room in a rush, almost bumping into Nagisa who was returning. The bartender apologized several times and was horrified, but Nagisa was relatively calm about the situation. Nagisa shrugged his shoulders, waved a hand, and told him not to worry about it.

  
“You get us refills?” Nagisa asked taking his seat back next to Haruka again.

  
Haruka nodded, there was something odd about the expression on his face though.

  
Nagisa rolled his eyes, “Oh god. No. I know that look. You can't do it here. Any bar other than here. There's like thousands in Tokyo with new, cute, young bartenders. Please. Please not here.”  
Haruka just laughed.

  
“No, I refuse. Seriously, I like this bar. You cannot take the guy home.”

  
“Home?”

  
“No, you cannot do it in here either. If you do that, we won't be able to come back here,” Nagisa complained shaking his fists.

  
Haruka raised a brow.

  
“No, it is not because I am jealous that when I go out with you, you can always pick people up. I am perfectly fine with your absurd fame, but just no. I like this bar, no,” Nagisa glared at Haruka and talked to him like he was a misbehaving pet.

  
Haruka didn't ask about the person that Nagisa had been talking about earlier. That story was out of his mind now, his focus had shifted onto the new bartender who looked like a smaller Rin.  
The bartender returned with their drinks. Earlier, he had been much more steady when he placed the glasses down on Nagisa and Haruka's side tables. He carefully placed Nagisa's drink on the table next to Nagisa, who thanked him. Then, he went to place Haruka's drink, but first he explained, “Si-since you liked the melon drink earlier, sir, I thought you might like something even sweeter. The strawberries this season are absolutely delicious, so I thought you'd like that,” he was nervous, and so he quickly added, “If it's not to your tastes, I can make another.”

  
“I like strawberries,” and Haruka eyed his hips.

  
The bartender looked flustered and as he placed Haru's strawberry drink down his hand shook a bit, threatening to spill the drink. Haruka helped him steady it by holding onto the bartender's hand on the glass.

  
Before Haruka could thank him, Nagisa asked, “Oh, did you ever figure out who I saw in the cafe?”

  
Back to that, are we? Haruka thought it was an unusual topic to start back while the bartender was still here, and so, he turned his head towards Nagisa and looked at him puzzled. Haru slowly shook his head no.

  
“Yeah, I didn't think so. It was Makoto. You remember, Makoto, right, Haruka?”

  
Haruka, who's hand had been lingering on the bartender's, jerked his hand back into his lap. He frowned. His attention shifted back to the bartender briefly, but all Haruka said was, “You can go, now.”  
“U-O-Oh. Okay,” the bartender looked a bit confused, but he left.

  
“Nicely played,” Haruka looked at Makoto. Haruka had collected himself and started sipping on his drink. It was to his taste, but that didn't matter now.

  
Nagisa smirked, “Yeah, I thought so, too. Anyway, I'd be willing to give you all the information about where he is, what cafe, where specifically my family stayed, but it's coming at a price.”

  
Haruka glared at him. Nagisa knew that this was information Haruka wanted, and he fully intended to make the teasing last. Haruka had wanted to know what happened to Makoto for years now, and he had practically given up hope. Even with Haruka's connections, Makoto had hidden himself away. He didn't want to be found by Haruka, but as the time went on, the more Haruka needed to see him. The more he needed to fix everything.

  
“So first of all-” Nagisa started.

  
“No on the bartender,” Haruka's interrupted through gritted teeth.

  
Nagisa smiled, “That's right.”

  
“And? Send him home with you?”

  
“No, I'm not interested in him,” Nagisa said, and suddenly, his expression was a lot more serious. He contemplated how to phrase his next request, but finally, he decided on being rather blunt. He and Haruka had been friends forever, the two of them had somehow managed to actually stay friends through everything. Nagisa started, “I want you to think about this. Like really, think about this. Are you sure you want to know? And even, once you know are you sure you want to go to him?”

  
“Yes,” Haruka was desperate.

  
Nagisa shook his head, “Sorry, not good enough. He's happy now. He seemed that way at least, you know, before he realized it was me. No, you're going to have to take time on this one. The bartender, that's what you can control now. For the information, though you're going to have to wait. Eight weeks.”

  
“That's such a long time,” Haruka groaned. He was not known for showing this much emotion, and so, even Nagisa was somewhat surprised. The emotional outburst in Haruka made Nagisa want to turn the information right over. However, when he thought of the night that he had seen Makoto after all these years, even though he had been drunk, the change in Makoto's persona after recognizing Nagisa was unmistakable.

  
Nagisa shrugged, “It's really not that long.”

  
“But, it's already been so long,” Haruka complained.

  
“Exactly. It's been so long, what's another couple of months?” Nagisa asked. Plus, he wasn't going to deny it. It was going to be a fun to torture Haruka for two months.  
Perhaps it was the alcohol, but the next thing Haruka said, he regretted, “If it were Rei, I'd tell you.”

  
“Oh yeah?” Nagisa asked, not skipping a beat. He looked at Haruka with the most serious eyes, there was no emotional sadness in his voice, he spoke as if they were were the most true and factual words he knew, “If it were Rei, I wouldn't let you tell me. I don't want to know where Rei is.”

  
Haruka shook his head, “It's easy to say that when you have no way of knowing.”

  
Nagisa shrugged, “Maybe. Who knows. If you ever find out where Rei is, you can test that theory out.”

  
Haruka sighed. He had been in touch with Rei at one point, but the last time he had heard from him was back during his first time competing in the olympics. He had gotten tickets for Rei. Rei was going to come see his match, but Rei never showed up. After that, Haruka didn't hear from him at all. His number changed, and Haruka was no longer able to contact him. Nagisa had been out of contact with him since longer than that. Haruka had hoped that they would reconcile during the match, but it didn't happen since Rei never showed. Haruka finally said, “Alright. Two months.”  
Nagisa nodded, “Two months. Now, during these two months, I'm going to test you.”

  
“Test?” Haruka asked.

  
“Yes. Like ask you questions, because I really want you to think about whether or not you should go see him,” Nagisa said.

  
“O-okay,” Haruka was skeptical.

 

  
Nagisa readjusted on the couch, “Good. So, here's your first test. Sleep with me.”

  
Haruka put his drink down and looked at Nagisa. He wouldn't have minded doing it exactly. Nagisa wasn't unattractive to him or anything like that, but that had never been their relationship. They had always been interested in different people, but if that was what he had to do, he shrugged, “Okay. Here?”

  
“No. Augh, no! And definitely, not okay,” Nagisa glared at Haruka, “Wrong answer. Think about this. You want Makoto back in your life. You may even want something romantic with him. Rather, I assume you want something romantic with him. You can't just go sleeping with whomever. Makoto isn't going to like that,” Nagisa explained.

  
“But you-” Haruka started, and then, he sighed, and ultimately, he agreed. He had to admit, all things considered, Nagisa was a good friend. Albeit slightly annoying, Nagisa was truly a good friend, “I'll think more deeply about this.”

  
“Good,” Nagisa declared and then he smiled deviously, “this is going to be fun.”

  
“That's what I was afraid of.”

XXX

Haruka was now relaxing in the private onsen built into his house. There was also a pool, and all kinds of other things. Even though the architecture was traditionally Japanese, the amenities were all modern making it a fancy home.

  
Haruka was reflecting when Nagisa had originally told him about seeing Makoto. His thoughts moved over to what had happened this morning. Rei had been to visit him and that hadn't gone as planned. Shouldn't he have been the one to get mad at Rei? He had a huge match, he had specially gotten Rei tickets and Rei hadn't shown up. And yet, after all of these years, Rei was mad at him?

  
Nagisa, he thought, I think I understand more now why you'd avoid Rei and thought I should have avoided contacting Makoto. Maybe I shouldn't have come here. That said though, I like it here. I'm happy I bought this house. Even though there's not as much action as Tokyo, it reminds me of where we grew up.

XXX

“What a surprise to get a call from you,” Rei answered the phone. He was happy to hear from Makoto, seeing Haruka had not made for the best of mornings. On the one hand, Rei was happy with what he did, but on the other, seeing Haruka reminded him of when he used to be Harukasempai. He felt some guilt for losing touch with him over the years. And yet, Rei couldn't figure out how he was supposed to stay friends with Haruka after what had happened. Had he been too harsh? Makoto rarely made the move to contact Rei, even though he considered Rei to be his best friend. This didn't bother Rei particularly, but it was nice to be needed, “and so, soon after we last saw each other.”

  
Makoto was sitting in his office in the back. He hated being there, and usually at this time, he'd be out in the front of the shop, working with and talking with the students that worked for him, and talking with the regulars. Makoto sighed, “I'm having a moment of weakness. I really didn't mean to bother you, I just...” his voice faded.

  
“I know and I understand. Why don't you come over here for dinner?” Rei asked.

  
Makoto smiled, “That sounds nice.”

  
“Yeah, I want to talk to you about something anyway, so that should work.”

  
Makoto wondered what things, but didn't pry. There would be more time to discuss that tonight.

XXX

The problem with when you sleep with someone, even if you get over it, and you do get over it as time passes, once in awhile it hits you again that you slept with this person. It hits you that at one point, you two were vulnerable together. At one point, you made this person achieve immense physical pleasure, and they did the same for you.

  
Most nights, you don't even remember this. Now you're friends, you're mature adults, what happened then means nothing. You've neither gone backwards in your relationship, nor forwards, it's a new category. And that category is: you knew you weren't meant for a relationship, but you do care about each other. So, friends. You need each other after all. The physical would have ruined everything and had to stop. You both agreed. It was fine. It is fine.

  
Most nights, really, you don't even remember it happened. You don't think about all the barriers, it's like they don't even exist. Most nights, you're just best friends and that's it. Most nights, it doesn't bother you. Bothering has nothing to do with it. It's just like being best friends, really, like it never happened. Most days, when it does cross your mind that it happened, you can hardly believe it. It feels so far away. And so, you go through life together facing the problems you're currently having. Work sucks. Life sucks. That kind of stuff. Best friends. Really. You're happy when he hooks up with someone who is not you. He's happy when you hook up with other people. Seriously. It's not awkward. It's genuine friendship. You got to that point.

  
But other nights, other nights, and he couldn't remember the last time he had felt this way, it must have been years ago. On these other nights, you can barely have a conversation with that person without imagining them touching you or you touching them and you need to have it again like you need to breathe. But you know, that's in the past. You can't have that. And you know, it would be a mistake. Look how great your friendship is now, you have to remind yourself.

  
Seeing the look on Makoto's face across the table brought Rei back into the past. It was that same sad look that he had on the day of Haruka's olympic tournament. The look that made him not even go in to see Haruka's match. The look that made him buy Makoto a train ticket and bring him back to this very same hotel, his family's (now - his) Inn, to this very same restaurant where they drank their fill, and fucked on the very same table that they were now sitting at eating dinner. And he wanted to throw both of their trays and their dishes and their drinks on the floor, and fuck Makoto again, and more than that, he wanted Makoto to fuck him. He wanted to tell Makoto how he had gone to Haruka, and instead of Makoto wanting to know about it, he wanted Makoto to say, “Thanks for doing that, now bend over.”

  
Instead, Rei used his chopsticks to cut apart the salmon. Makoto took a bite and said, “Oh my god, I love when you let me eat at your Ryokan.”

  
“You know you're welcome anytime,” Rei smiled.

  
Makoto shook his head, “Too expensive.”

  
You could pay in other ways, Rei thought. Not that Rei ever made him pay anyway, it was more that all Rei got from their friendship were coffees and teas and old baked goods. It wasn't the same level as fancy Japanese Style Inn meals. So, Makoto only ever went to Rei's for his birthday and big holidays. This was a special occasion too, but he didn't want to think about why. Rei shrugged, he didn't mind treating, but he knew that Makoto felt badly about it and that was why he didn't push the subject. Besides, his mind was on other things. Like the fact that he had to keep reminding himself that there were other guests in the restaurant. Ugh, he thought, please let me stop having these thoughts. It's not going to happen, and it's just in the past.

  
“So,” Makoto asked, “What happened?”

  
Rei closed his eyes, he had been hoping to avoid this subject, but he knew that he had to address it, “I thought about not telling you, but we're the best of friends, and I really hope you don't get mad.”  
Makoto eyed him suspiciously, but took a bite of one of the vegetables.

  
Rei sighed, “I went to go see Haruka.”

  
“What?” Makoto asked, dropping some rice back into the bowl, “But, how?”

  
Rei nodded, “Please don't be mad. I just, I had to. But, I'm telling you, because I've been thinking about it, and while I hope you know I did it as your friend, I now think it may have been wrong.”  
At first Makoto had been shocked, then he got a bit angry, but he did know that Rei had meant well. He knew Rei wasn't good at handling conflict, and he knew Rei was probably unhappy with seeing him so upset lately, “It's fine. It was probably for the best. I just wish you had talked to me instead.”

  
“I know, I just, you're so much happier than you were back then, and seeing you like this now, it reminds me of back then, it makes me feel...” he tried to think of the right word. Responsible for you? Horny? It was some strange combination of the two, just as it had been back then, and he didn't like it.

  
“I don't like it either,” Makoto smiled, but his heart wasn't in it. And then his expression changed a bit, “Well, what'd you say?”

  
Rei flushed, “It wasn't beautiful I can say that for sure.”

  
Makoto laughed, and Rei smiled, that's right, he thought, you should be laughing from your heart.

  
“I told him to stay away from you,” and he accused me of being in love with you, Rei thought, but he didn't say the second half.

  
Makoto nodded, “I don't get why he moved here.”

  
“For you obviously,” Rei said in between bites.

  
“Well, I mean, I know that, but I just don't get it. He could have just visited. Why did he buy a house here?” Makoto asked, but seeing the look on Rei's face, he wondered if he shouldn't have speculated.  
So you're still this curious about him, huh? Rei wondered, well, it can't be helped I guess. He swallowed the fish, “Well, he is one of the richest people in Japan. Why bother staying in a hotel, when you can just buy a house with an onsen?”

  
Makoto laughed. It was hard to imagine a rich Haruka. Not that he had been poor growing up or anything like that. All of them had been relatively middle class growing up. Nagisa had the most well off traditional style family, and Rei's family did have this Ryokan, but none of them were rich on the level that Haruka had to be now. Makoto and Haruka broke it off before Haruka really gained fame, he and so, Makoto never really knew a rich Haruka, “Can you imagine it though? A rich Haruka?”

  
Rei mimicked people in stores trying to sell him something, “'Sir, you'd like to buy this $10,000 suit?' 'Yeah.' He'd be so nonchalant about it. They'd probably think he was a snob.”

  
“He probably has a manager that does all of that, 'Haruka-san, please put this on for today.' Oh my gosh, that would be weird. I think I prefer my life right now, even with all the difficulties,” Makoto said grabbing a piece of raw fish.

  
Rei agreed and was about to move on from the subject of Haruka, when Makoto said something, “You know, a part of me wonders if I should listen to what he has to say.”

  
The restaurant was quiet now. The other families had finished their dinners or were having them in their rooms privately. The workers knew that Makoto and Rei were old friends and that they could be left alone to take care of the kitchen. Rei thought hard, quickly, but hard about how to reply. On the one hand, he knew he should say no to protect Makoto, but as a friend, he also knew he should say yes, finally, he shrugged, “You should do what will make you happiest. It'll hurt to see him, but it'll hurt to not see him.”

  
Makoto nodded.

  
Rei finished, “Just, make sure it's on your terms, you gotta take care of you.”

  
“Yeah,” Makoto agreed.

  
As Rei took the last bite of his fish, he felt a bit proud of himself. Even though it had been a tough night for him, he'd been mature. But, a part of him felt strangely lonely. It was going to be difficult to sleep alone tonight.

XXX

Nagisa was bored. It was a Friday night and even though his workmates usually went out drinking on Friday's, this weekend, they were all at a conference in Osaka. He had drawn the short straw and was stuck managing the interns and new workers. Which, truthfully, he didn't mind, he enjoyed hanging out with the kids. Even though they were younger than him, they could be fun, but on Friday's most of them went to go hang back out with their college friends. That left him alone in the office finishing up work.

  
He wanted to call Haruka, but he was probably busy with winning Makoto's heart. He sighed and flipped through his contacts on his list.

  
“Oh, what the hell,” he asked himself, his interns were all with their college friends, why shouldn't he spend time with his old buddy too? And he typed out a message.

XXX

Beep.

  
~You have a new text~

  
Beep.

  
Probably my sister, he thought. His eyes glanced down at his phone.

 

U wanna party?

  
He smirked and typed a quick message back, I'm always game, Nagisa, you know that. I'll pick the place. And no, we are not going to that boring ass bar with the couches in Hiroo that you always suggest. We're going somewhere in Shinjuku where I can go to some sleazy basement bathroom and get my dick sucked by a girl while doing a line of coke off a hot guy's toned stomach and then, after I finish on his fugly face, I wanna go upstairs to the bar and punch the fucking bartender for no goddamn reason and still not get thrown out. I'll pick you up in a car in 20, so get your bitch ass fucking ready.

  
He took his phone back with him to his room. He went to put on some cologne and found a different shirt and pants - ones more clubbing appropriate. His phone buzzed again and he eyed it.  
Y do u alwayz snd essays? Its only a txt.

  
He laughed, and put on the shirt he grabbed, after writing, Because I actually got an education unlike you who always copied my homework. Now quit being a brat. Start getting fucking ready. We are gonna wreck shit '2nite', babe. Kisses, Rin.

 

XXX

Nagisa was slumped over walking back from class with his textbooks. He looked utterly miserable and he felt that way. Rin caught up to him and talked to him, that always made him a little happier, but a part of him felt jealous of Rin. Rin fit in so perfectly here.

  
“As usual you look glum,” Rin rolled his eyes.

  
Nagisa said nothing.

  
Rin sighed, “This is about him, that bastard, Rei, isn't it? You're still wondering if you should have come here.”

  
Nagisa slowly nodded.

  
“Just fucking forget about it, okay? There are like tons of hot people here, just have some hookups and get that bastard out of your mind.”

  
Nagisa disagreed, “Tokyo sucks. There's no one interesting here.”

  
“Are you fucking kidding me? There are millions of people here. Literally. Millions. Are you seriously so messed up that you would honestly believe that in millions of people you can't find one more interesting than Rei?

  
“We're in one of the best universities in the world. We're fucking awesome, and you're just fucking bumming me out,” Rin sighed. But, then a solution came to him, “You know what you have to do.”

  
“What?” Nagisa asked.

  
“You have to cut loose. Come out with me tonight. We're gonna have a night on the town. It'll be fucking crazy,” Rin smiled.

  
Nagisa leaned side to side, “I don't know.”

  
Rin shook his head, “No, you have to. This is something we have to do. I'm taking you like it or not. It'll be fun.”

XXX

“Do it.”

  
“I can't,” Haruka shook his head, the room was moving a little, and even though he was tipsy, this was too much.

 

Rin nodded at him motioning for him to do it, “Trust me, you'll feel amazing. It's like when we swim together, but different. It feels so good. So, free.”

  
Haruka laughed. Only Rin could mock him like that, and get away with it. He let Rin get away with so many things, but it was all worth it, he told himself. It was all worth it for moments like these when Rin focused on him and only him. But still, drugs? Sometimes he wondered how he would keep up with Rin, “I can't.”

  
“Oh my fucking god, just take it,” It had been 5 minutes. Rin was getting impatient.

  
Haruka looked apologetic.

  
“Don't make that face,” Rin felt a bit guilty, “Oh fuck. Fine, we'll do it this way.”

  
He popped the pill in his mouth and kissed Haruka inserting it into Haruka's mouth with his tongue. Haruka was in shock, but he swallowed. He hadn't been expecting the kiss, even though this had been going on for awhile now, Rin still managed to make him feel embarrassed and shy. His face which was already flushed from the alcohol turned darker. Rin kept kissing him and Haru felt himself melting away.

  
And then, boom. High. If feeling tipsy had been good, this felt great. It was different than when he swam, Rin was wrong, it was nothing like swimming. Swimming with Rin was way, way better. And yet, this felt incredible and the feeling just kept growing. He twitched a bit, getting used to it.

  
“Fuhme,” Haruka breathed out taking a break from the kiss.

  
“What?” Rin asked laughing.

  
“Don't make fun of me,” Haruka pouted.

  
Rin laughed more, and poked Haruka's cheek, “It's just, you look so damn cute. What did you say?”

  
“Fuck. Me.”

  
Rin got a second high watching Haruka, and this time, he didn't tease. Instead, he unzipped Haruka's pants. He felt Haruka's hardness through his swimsuit. Even though it wasn't the time to laugh, Rin couldn't help but smile, of course, Haruka was wearing a swimsuit. Rin slid that down too, and freed Haruka's erection. He had to admit, Haruka had an incredible looking dick. Rin ran his tongue up the shaft, tasting some of Haruka's pre-cum.

  
Haruka moaned, it all felt too good. Between the chemical high and the thought that Rin was touching him, he could barely contain himself. Still he held back, wanting to savor every moment. As for Rin, Rin wanted to savor every taste. He wrapped his lips around the tip, and teased with his tongue. With his hand, he slid behind Haruka's balls, and began to massage them. This sudden contact earned another moan from Haruka. He moved his mouth off of Haruka's penis, and Rin went down and sucked on each of Haruka's balls. He was careful to not hurt them, and as he slid each into his mouth, Haruka screamed with pleasure. Meanwhile, he worked on Haruka's shaft with his hand.

  
“O-oh fuck, Rin,” Haruka's eyes were glazed over. He couldn't even see anything in the rest of the room around them, he was completely immersed in pleasure, “feels so good.”

Rin's lips curved a bit as he released Haruka's left ball. Then, still rubbing Haruka's shaft with his hand, Rin stood up, “I'm gonna fuck you now, so turn around.”

  
Haruka's eyes widened and he nodded. Haruka turned around and Rin bent him over his bed. Rin grabbed the lube from his nightstand.

  
Haruka turned to face him, seeing that Rin hadn't grabbed a condom, he moaned out, “Shouldn't you get -”

  
But, Rin cut him off by raising a finger to Haruka's lips and tapping them gently. Rin shook his head, “Not tonight. Tonight, you're too high to feel much, and I want you to remember this tomorrow during our Meet. When we swim against each other, your time is gonna be all kinds of fucked up, because all you're going to think about is me cumming bare in your ass.”

  
Haru's eyes widened. Rin was so dirty sometimes, and it was so fucking hot. He bit his lip and wiggled a little to entice Rin to come over.

  
But, his ass in the air was all the invitation Rin needed. Rin placed the lube on the bed, and unzipped his own pants, and freed his own erection from his boxers. For a minute, Rin contemplated just lubing up himself and slipping straight in. But, he saw Haru's eyes and sighed. I'm easy on him. The fucking things I do for him, he thought, and the thought terrified him.

  
But, it went out of his mind for now. He grabbed Haru's dick with one hand and began to rub him again, not that he needed it, he was still very hard. And with his other hand, singlehandedly, squeezed lube into that hand. He dropped the lube back onto his bed, not caring that the cap was not back on it. He gently slid a finger into Haru's ass. Haru barely even felt it though. His body was in so much intense pleasure that he had almost run out of dopamine. Rin stretched him, and when he was content, he slid the second one in, and then, a third.

  
“Good enough. Now – please,” Haru begged.

  
Rin smiled, “So impatient.”

  
Haru nodded.

  
But, Rin was impatient too, and so, he slid in and pounded Haru. Haru groaned with pleasure, “Oh-oh yes. Please. Ah, Rin. Oh-oh god!”

  
It was Rin's turn to feel the release, he kept one hand on Haru's dick, wanting Haru to feel as amazing as he did. With his free hand, he swapped between gripping Haru's hips and rubbing Haru's back. Haru's skin was so soft, and he was so tight. Rin's mouth opened and his breathing got heavier, “Haru. Holy shit. You feel so fucking incredible.”

  
And soon, his rhythm changed, and Rin felt himself get close. For a quiet guy, once Rin was inside him, Haru was crazy loud, and it was amazing. Rin loved doing Haru.

  
“Haru,” Rin moaned and pushed deep in him.

  
“Ah, please, please Rin, please cum in me, fill me up, please, please,” Haru begged between moans.

  
Rin nodded, and pumped Haru harder while pushing deeper, “Haru, I'm – I'm – I'm gonna – ah! Ah! I'm cumming, Ha-haru-”

  
“Mmm, me too, oh Rin, yes, oh yes, yes ahhhhh!” Haru moaned as Rin filled him up. Haru came too, on Rin's bed, before collapsing on it. His brain was still spinning from the combination of the alcohol and the drugs and having Rin.

  
“Rin?”

  
“One sec,” Rin went to go get some towel from his bathroom. He put some water and soap on them, and brought them back into his room. He cleaned himself off with one, and wiped off Haru with the other, “What is it?”

  
“I wanna tell you something, come here,” Haru flipped over, and was laying half naked on Rin's bed.

  
Rin obliged. He sat down next to Haru, “What is it?”

  
Haru looked at him, “You have to face me.”

  
Rin laughed and nodded, “Okay,” and obeyed.

  
So this is what a high Haru looks like, he thought.

  
When Rin faced him, Haru looked into his eyes, “I love you, Rin. I really love you. I love you so much.”

  
But, Rin shut his eyes and looked away. Suddenly, Rin who had been feeling the after effects of his own partying with Haru, was sobered.

  
If Haru had been sober, he wouldn't have said those words. He would have known not to say them. He would have known that he was being too serious. “If you want to do this, you need to know something. I don't believe in love and I don't believe there's any one person for any other person. I'll fuck you as long as you want me too, but I'll also fuck other people. You can too. I don't care. I just wanna have fun, nothing serious. If you want serious, you shouldn't be with me.”

  
Had Haru said this when he was sober, Rin would probably have stopped seeing him. Had he been sober, he would have known silence would have been Rin's response without even trying to say anything. But, for some reason, the words fell out of his mouth. He felt too fantastic to be full of regret, but even so, a part of Haru felt broken.

Rin didn't know what to say. He wasn't going to talk about this while high, especially not after what had just happened, and unless Haru approached the subject, he wasn't going to talk about it tomorrow either. A voice in the back of his head told him to just break Haru's heart, and at least end it now, but he didn't want to do that either. So, Rin just nodded, “You lay there. I'm gonna go take a shower. I'll be back in a bit.”

  
And he left Haru to sit on his bed lost in his own drug addled mind.

XXX

The car door swung open and Rin hopped out onto the street to give Nagisa a hug, “What's it been man, a month?”

  
Nagisa was a bit overcome with emotion, Rin always made him feel this way. There was something about Rin, something incredible. Nagisa wasn't like Haru, he wasn't completely mesmerized, but there was something about Rin's personality that was overwhelmingly attractive. Even though Nagisa and Haru had a good time together, a good time with Rin was something that required a week's recovery. He had an aura about him that just made everything crazy and better, “Too long.”

  
Rin nodded, “You're looking good as usual.”

  
Nagisa rolled his eyes.

  
Rin shrugged, “What? Didn't you hear? I'm a single man, and I've been one for awhile now.”

  
“You've always been a single man,” Nagisa retorted.

  
Rin nodded, “See, this is why I always thought you and I should have fucked. You just get me.”

  
“Okay, that's enough now,” even though their flirting wasn't remotely sincere, there was a point where Nagisa preferred to just go back to normal chatting. Besides, Nagisa knew he could win, and that if he pushed Rin, eventually Rin would back off. He had always been someone with whom Rin did not risk his friendship. And as for Nagisa, he couldn't be less interested in Rin. There were a couple of reasons for this, the main one being that if Nagisa and Rin were going to have a go, Rin would have to be completely committed to him. And that was impossible, Rin committed to Rin and Rin alone.

And of course, the bigger reason he never crossed the line with Rin was that in his mind, it didn't matter that Rin and Haruka had been over for awhile now, Rin would always be Haru's.

  
But, Rin didn't stop, “It's not like you're taken. When was the last time you even fucked someone? Your stats are pretty bad for someone bi.”

  
Nagisa glared at him.

  
Rin shrugged, “What? I'm just saying, I don't see what the problem is for a little harmless flirting. Unless you're scared.”

  
This was what Rin did. Rin pushed people's buttons, he teased them, and if he pushed hard enough eventually, he could break them. He acted like he never got hurt either, and most of the time, he didn't. There were a couple of people who could genuinely hurt Rin. Haruka was a special situation for Rin. And, so was Nagisa, but Nagisa was a different kind of special. Nagisa was special, because like Rin said, Nagisa didn't care. Not anymore. He could go weeks without touching anyone at all, and when he did, it was purely for one night stands. Nagisa was better in some ways at being Rin than Rin himself. And so, for Nagisa, what happened with Rin was all a game. That was what he enjoyed about the time he spent with Rin, it wasn't serious for either of them. And so, Nagisa leaned in like he was going to kiss Rin, and Rin stepped back. Nagisa smirked with a brow raised. Victory, as expected.

  
And then, Rin did too, “I lose. I guess this means the first round is on me.”

  
Nagisa nodded. Rin patted him on the back, “It's really nice to see you. I'm glad you texted me. Now, let's go break some hearts.”

  
Nagisa hopped in the car.

XXX

They were sitting in the Tokyo University cafe. Gou had come to Tokyo to visit schools, and was staying with her brother. While Rin was in class though, she decided to grab a coffee with Nagisa. Their conversation had been mostly relaxed. Everyone thought of Gou as their little sister after all, but she got serious toward the end of it.

  
“Nagisa, can I ask you something? It may be presumptuous of me, and I'm sorry for that, but you're the only person I can ask,” Gou pleaded.

  
Nagisa nodded, surprised by the serious quality to her voice, she was practically family though, and so, he said, “Anything you need.”

  
“I want to talk to you about Rin,” Gou looked away, it was obviously difficult for her to talk about this, “He's...different. He doesn't mean to hurt Haru, I know that. I don't think he can help it. He doesn't know how to love. And so, he can't take Haru seriously. Not that I'm excusing what he does, I just...”

  
Nagisa shrugged, “If that's what you're worried about, don't. Haru's on his own in that situation, it's never been a secret that Rin doesn't take anything romantic seriously. Makoto tried to keep Haru from him, and look how that turned out. Haru's just dumb when it comes to Rin.”

  
Haruka may have been one of Nagisa's oldest friends, but this was how Nagisa felt about the situation. He would have put it less bluntly to Haruka himself, but even Haru knew that his decision to stay near Rin was unhealthy. But, that's what love does. It draws people together who shouldn't be together. And Haru's love for Rin was unhealthy, raw, perfect magnetism.

  
She nodded, and then, she furrowed her brow, “Actually, that's only part of it what I want to say. Rin doesn't take that seriously. But, that's not all he doesn't take seriously. Rin doesn't take anything seriously. He doesn't realize that partying in a city is different than partying in Iwatobi.”

  
Nagisa slowly nodded, his thoughts drifting back to some of the crazy nights the two of them had had together.

  
“I don't want to put pressure on you, and I know it wouldn't be your fault if he didn't come home one night, and I don't want you to think it would be, but, would you try to make sure he does? Would you please take care of him, Nagisa? He's not as strong as he pretends to be,” Gou requested and then, she sipped on her latte.

  
Nagisa smiled weakly, “You really worry about him, don't you? I'll do the best I can, he's important to me too.”

  
Around that time, Rin walked up to their table, “Ah, free at last. I never thought that lecture was going to end. What's with you two? You look so serious.”

  
“Nothing, you've just got a great sister,” Nagisa said.

  
Rin rolled his eyes, “She told you to take care of me, didn't she? My brother doesn't eat enough. My brother doesn't study hard enough. Blah, blah, blah.”

  
Gou glared at him. He patted her on the head, “You're gonna get wrinkles kiddo. And how will you ever get a boyfriend if you have wrinkles?”

  
She rolled her eyes, but internally, she smiled.

XXX

They were at the club in Shinjuku now and it was packed full of people. There's a distinct odor attached to places like this, but once you're in it, you can't even smell it. Nagisa and Rin were sitting at the bar. They were on their second round, and would soon be heading to the dance floor.

 

“So, why aren't you with your other half? Since you're not with work people, I'd assume you'd be at your little bar in Hiroo?”

  
Nagisa laughed, “Don't knock that bar, man. And, he's out of town.”

  
“Out of town? What the fuck does that mean? It's not like he has championships anymore. Where on earth could he go? Iwatobi?”

  
Nagisa shook his head. He was tipsy, but he was trying to control himself. Even though Rin played it cool, Nagisa was sure Rin would be less than pleased to learn that Haruka was off chasing Makoto.  
Rin's eyes narrowed, “There's something you're not telling me here, Nagisa. Haru may be a pal of yours, but he's got nothing on the shit we pulled in undergrad. I know your I'm-hiding-something face. Go ahead. Tell me. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.”

  
Nagisa exhaled, “Alright fine. Remember how I went to the countryside a few months ago with my sisters?”

  
“Uh huh,” Rin rolled his eyes, boring. Rin was not made for the country. He was made for city lights, anonymous meetings, and never sleeping.

 

“I went into a cafe there, and it was run by Makoto,” with Rin there was no point to telling the full story. So, Nagisa laid the information out straight.

  
“I see, so now he's off chasing after Makoto.” Rin said processing it, and for a moment his expression was unreadable. But, then he smirked, “You should call Haru. Call him and tell him I'm fucking you.”

  
“I'm not gonna do that,” Nagisa rolled his eyes taking a drink.

  
“Hey Nagisa, I wanna make a call, can I borrow your phone?”

  
“Hell no.”

  
“O-O-Oh, Na-Nagisa, yeah that's it, uh, uh, let me plug that ass up,” Rin fake moaned with his hands up and his hips thrusting.

  
“Please, if we ever did it, I'd be the one doing the ass plugging,” Nagisa raised his glass to his lips.

  
Rin's brows raised, two times now tonight he had lost, and he wondered if there was something bothering Nagisa. Even though Nagisa was the sort of person who's entire personality could change depending on who he was with, he wasn't usually this flirty back. Rin's expression changed, “What do you think he'd do anyway? You know, if we did do it. Think he'd be on the next train back to Tokyo? Or would he stay there with dear, sweet, fucking perfect Makoto?”

  
“Dude, can we not do this?” Nagisa asked. Rin was trying too hard to seem like he didn't care, and Nagisa knew it all too well. He was having flashbacks to dragging Rin's drunk ass back to his dorm room and that was not how he wanted the night to shape up.

  
Rin rolled his eyes, “Oh fuck off, I'm just having fun, and you know you are too. No matter what you say, a part of you totally wants to fuck with him.”

  
Nagisa smirked, it was true. Rin always brought out sides of people that they didn't know they had. For some people that could be the worst, for people like Nagisa though, it meant that he got to feel like he was in college again, with his fraternity brother, having a good time. No need to think about the future. No need to think about consequences.

  
“Now then, what do you think of the guy at 3 o'clock?” Rin asked changing the subject.

  
The guy was small and had dark hair like Haru's, with a body similar to Makoto's, “Dude, he's obviously taken. His fucking boyfriend is standing right next to him. They've got fucking matching necklaces.”

  
The boyfriend was someone who Nagisa happened to recognize, it was the new bartender over at the bar in Hiroo. The guy who looked like a young Rin.

  
Rin smirked, “So what if he's taken? Never stopped us before.”

  
“He is literally next to his boyfriend.”

  
“Okay, so here are the scenarios. Either you come with me and distract his boyfriend, or he'll drop his boyfriend the second he looks at me, because face it, I'm the hotter version of that guy, or I'll have 'em both,” Rin finished his drink and slammed it on the table. Then, he looked expectantly at Nagisa, “Well? Are you gonna fuck a slightly less attractive me or am I gonna have all the fun tonight?”  
Nagisa thought about how just a few months ago he had discouraged Haru from fucking this guy. What the fuck, he thought, Haru's busy far away from here, and it's not like I've got anything better to do.

  
Nagisa chugged the rest of his own drink, “Break some hearts, huh?”

  
“It's the only way to get over heartache. Didn't I teach you that years ago?” Rin asked.

  
And had Nagisa not been tipsy, he might have thought about the guy Rin was referring to, instead, he focused on the young Rin. It had been a long time since Nagisa had gotten some.

XXX

“Ma-makoto!” Haruka screamed.

  
He was being held back by a lifeguard, “Calm down. Your friend is going to be fine, but you have to calm down.”

  
“But, but he's all tangled and he's going to drown and he's scared of the ocean. You don't understand!” Haruka wasn't normally talkative, but right in front of his face, he was about to watch his friend drown and die and there was nothing that he could do about it. The tide was too strong, he couldn't go out into the water or he would get hurt too. Not that that had stopped him from trying. That was why this lifeguard was holding him back, he was squirming and fighting with all of his power.

  
See, there were a lot of reasons that Makoto was afraid of the ocean. There was a sweet old man that Makoto was friends with once who drowned in it. But, this was the bigger reason. Haruka had convinced him that he had to try again, he had to overcome his fears, “Suppose I was drowning,” he had said.

  
“I'd get over my fears then,” Makoto's voice was serious, “I'd save you. Not that you'd ever be in that situation. You're too good of a swimmer.”

  
“Look, just try it,” and Haruka pointed out at the lanes that they had set up, it was probably only 30 feet out in the water, “swim there and back.”

  
Haruka hadn't meant to cause this. He was trying to help Makoto overcome his fear. They lived by the ocean after all, it was part of their lives. Haruka hadn't realized how much power over Makoto he had.

  
But, because it was Haruka asking, of course, Makoto went. He went straight out into the water, he swam all the way out to the lane marker that Haruka had pointed to. Something went wrong though. See, even though it was a whole 30 feet out, the water wasn't very deep. And so, holding onto the lane marker, Makoto stood up in the water. But, a fisherman had set a lobster trap there, thinking no one would stand there, and Makoto's foot got stuck. When a big wave came, he got tangled up in the lane line that he had been holding onto to steady himself. Makoto was tangled in the lanes, and it was all Haruka's fault.

Haruka woke up with a start. It had been a couple of weeks since he had that dream. It was a recurring one for Haruka, he had hoped that when he had seen Makoto it would stop. See, this dream had never actually happened. Makoto had never been tangled in any kind of pool lane marker. Haruka didn't even think such a thing was possible. Traps weren't set there and they all knew where the traps were anyway, and knew to avoid them. But, it always felt so real.

 

Probably, because, it was real, Makoto drowned in a mess Haruka made. And there was nothing he could do.

XXX

It had been two years since they finished high school and won the championships. The four of them were together then. Even, Rin had joined back up with them. He decided to go to public school when he started high school. It had something to do with whatever was going on with Haruka and him. That was something Rei didn't fully know the details of, but no one seemed to think it was a good thing, himself included. There was something about the way that Rin and Haruka affected each other that seemed wrong somehow. Rin aside, Rei felt like he had finally found a place where he belonged. He respected Harukasempai back then. He respected all of his seniors. But, when the four of them graduated, things changed. Rei was still in school, and everyone who mattered was gone.  
Haruka started to work to become a professional athlete straight out of high school, while Rin went to swim for Tokyo University, which everyone seemed to think was a good thing. Haruka was somewhat distanced from Rin. Rei didn't know the details, but Makoto had something to do with that all. And, Makoto around that time, moved in with Haruka and went with him around the world. They seemed to be happy, but again, Rei didn't know the details. He had been wrapped up in his own issues. Nagisa had gone to Tokyo University along with Rin, but not for swimming. Nagisa went for business school, to follow the tradition of his parents. And in doing so, his relationship with Rei had changed forever. So you see, Nagisa was why Rei had been all wrapped up in his own thing.  
Nagisa always got what he wanted. Rei finally succumbed to Nagisa's advances, and then Nagisa abandoned him, and if that wasn't bad enough, Nagisa was happy being away from Rei. All of his Facebook posts were of him partying with Rin in different bars across Tokyo. As if the fact that he was having fun thousands of miles away now was not bad enough, it was fun with Rin. Rei hated Rin. Rin fucked everyone over. Rin fucked up Haruka somehow and now Rin was going to fuck up Nagisa. It made Rei absolutely crazy, and that was why he had made a pact with himself to stop looking at Nagisa's posts. He completely blocked Nagisa from his life. He couldn't handle not talking to Nagisa, but it was better than constantly seeing how much better off Nagisa was without him. And so, he cut Nagisa out of his life. That was almost a year ago now.

  
Rei had still sort of kept in touch with Haruka strangely. They didn't talk often, but they did talk enough. This always happens when people go to college. The people that you know you will still be close to, you aren't. And the people you expect to disappear, manage to keep up with you. That was why Rei had managed to get the ticket to Haruka's olympic match. Rei hoped that it was also partially because Nagisa wanted him to be there and that he had asked Haruka to give him one. Nagisa and Haruka were close friends after all. It was at least a little possible. Not that this made it easy for Rei to go to Haruka's match. The whole train ride to Tokyo, Rei was nervous. He was not looking for any excuses to not go, but he was not particularly eager either. Facing the past is never an easy thing to do. Especially because compared to Nagisa, he felt insecure. It hadn't always been this way, they used to be on more even footing, but somehow, the way that life shaped up, Nagisa had ended up better than Rei. And that made this trip difficult.

  
When Rei arrived in Tokyo, he was overwhelmed by the sheer movement. He got in during the evening rush hour and the way that the people moved was difficult for him to follow. So, this is what it's like in the city?

  
Rei had the evening to himself, and then, tomorrow he had to go to the tournament pool. The hotel was near the olympic stadium. Rei took a taxi over to the hotel from Tokyo station. He wasn't very familiar with the city, this was only his second trip, after all. His last trip was when he was a child on a vacation with his family. He couldn't afford to visit Nagisa when Nagisa went to school here. Not that he would have anyway, not after their fight.

  
The driver took him straight to the hotel. It was a pretty nice place. He stayed in the Peninsula hotel in Ginza. It was a pretty pricey hotel, but Rei's ryokan had been making quite a bit of money and this was his first vacation in a long time. Also, he had heard that the Peninsula was ranked one of the best hotels in the world, and he wanted to see if there were some ways to upgrade his ryokan.  
He had to admit, the hotel was amazing. His room was a combination of modern and traditional Japanese. There was a full shower room. It was very luxurious. He could understand what the hype was all about. He unloaded his bags in the hotel and decided to go explore more of the city. After all, he would be busy tomorrow, and if everything went well, Nagisa and him would end up back in this hotel for the night, and then, he'd leave in the morning, and it would be Nagisa that would be hurt this time. Nagisa would come find them, and they'd end up together. It was perfect, it was beautiful.  
Rei decided to go check out Shinjuku. He had heard quite a bit about it, or rather, he inferred it from the Facebook posts that Nagisa used to post. Rei wasn't planning to go crazy or anything like that, but he wanted to cut loose. He wanted to relax, because tomorrow was a big day.

  
He went to Shinjuku Times Square, a giant shopping mall and found a Tempura restaurant on one of the highest floors. The food was pretty good, it had been a long time since he had good shrimp Tempura and the fish in Tokyo was incredible. He made a mental note to try some Sushi before he left. Maybe I'll eat them off of Nagisa, he thought with a smile. He drank some sake, and went to the six floor Kinokuniya. That was the nice thing about the city, tons of shopping and everything was on a much grander scale. He bought a journal at the Tokyu Hands.  
And around ten, everything started to close, so he went back to Shinjuku station. He was standing on the platform, of which there were several of in Shinjuku. He was looking at the platform across from his, and he saw a distinct flash of blonde get off of the train arriving at the other platform. The person with the blonde hair was Nagisa, he was sure of it. He looked at him across the platform, and Nagisa stared back at Rei. There was a look of surprise on his face, but then Rei's train arrived. Rei stepped onto the train, and the train left. And Nagisa was gone into the night. Not that it was a problem though, Rei would see him tomorrow.

  
But, he did notice that his breathing had changed, and now, he felt like he was going to faint.

XXX

“Hey, Nagisa, thanks for always taking me home. You're so sweet,” Rin poked Nagisa's cheek, but because he was drunk and somewhat out of control, his finger poked Nagisa's soft, pink lips. His finger lingered there a little too long before he pulled it back. Nagisa chalked it up to drunkenness.

  
Nagisa walked slowly, steadying Rin, “No prob, we've been friends forever, and after what you did for me in college, I'll always take care of you.”

  
Rin was drunker than he had been in a long time, he felt his stomach turn and knew eventually he was going to have to puke, but not yet. His mind went a million miles an hour, and he thought about all the crazy events that had happened that night, but his brain focused in on one minute. The minute when Nagisa had said, “I went into a cafe there, and it was run by Makoto.”

  
It played again and again in Rin's mind, he felt his body start to shake, and Nagisa knew what this meant. We were entering the depressed-drunk stage of the night.

  
“He's with Makoto, huh?” Rin asked, there were evidence of tears, Rin wasn't crying exactly, like not crying out, but his eyes were watering.

  
Nagisa nodded.

  
“You shouldn't have told him you saw him, I blame you for this,” Rin slurred. Had Nagisa not known who Rin was talking about, that last sentence would have been tough to decipher, but Nagisa knew all too well.

  
“Now, now. That wouldn't have been fair. Besides, I made him work for it and he earned the information,” Nagisa replied. He did feel badly for Rin. It was tough to be between the two of them sometimes, but it had been a long time now since Rin and Haruka broke up, and from Nagisa's perspective, Haruka needed to fix damage done to Makoto. He hadn't been keen on the idea early on, but Haruka really worked to get the information and to get to try to make things up to Makoto.

 

This didn't please the redhead, “Wanna give me that information? I'll work for it,” Rin burst out laughing, at this stage of drunkenness, Rin's emotions were flexible.

  
“Not a chance,” Nagisa steadied Rin. He was bigger than Nagisa and hard for the smaller boy to support, but there were no cabs on the street, car services were closed, and the subways stopped running at midnight. Tokyo was no New York City, but even New York had its quiet times. Tokyo had them for longer periods though.

  
Rin shrugged, “I knew you'd say no. You're supposed to be my brother though.”

  
“I am,” Rin was referring to the fact that they had been in the same fraternity in college, “and that's precisely why I'm not letting you do this.”

  
“That's probably a good idea. Y'know, I never understood why you didn't just go back and visit that asshole, Rei,” Rin felt it now, luckily, they were by a trashcan. He leaned over it and Nagisa held his beautiful hair back. Nagisa even helped place Rin's hands down, so that Rin didn't stick them where gum was sitting on the can. Nagisa had been hoping that the conversation would not land on him. Rin finished vomiting into the trashcan, and he wiped his mouth on his shirt. Not that it mattered, he had hundreds more, “I get it now though. The magnetism, the love, it doesn't matter. Some people are just destined to hurt each other.”

  
Nagisa's eyes widened when Rin said, “love,” he was sure he had never heard the redhead say the word, especially not about Haru.

  
Rin switched topics suddenly, as drunk people are wont to do, “I'm sorry you didn't get to go home with that guy.”

  
Nagisa shrugged, “It wouldn't have mattered anyway.”

  
“I have to admit, I was a bit surprised you went after him,” Rin slumped against Nagisa.

  
“What makes you say that?” Nagisa asked, “You were the one who insisted on that going for that pair.”

  
Rin slurred, “Well, I don't think I've ever seen you hit on anyone who looks remotely like me. Made me wonder if you actually would fuck me.”

  
Nagisa sighed, it's always the drunk people, who say the most difficult things, “Maybe.”

  
“When we get to my place, I can fuck you if you want. Or you, me,” Rin steadied himself on Nagisa. His stomach was turning again.

  
Nagisa didn't say anything in response.

  
“I really wouldn't mind, I know it's been awhile for you, we could do it, and then, you could just forget about it.”

 

“You're going to pass out when we get home, I know it,” Nagisa said, this was not his first experience with a black out drunk Rin after all.

 

But, Rin didn't stop, “Okay, then you can do me passed out and take pics and we can send them to Haru.”

  
Nagisa leaned Rin against a building, so that he could face him, “I get that this thing with Makoto is bothering you. But, quit acting like I'm some tool you can use to fuck with Haru.”

  
Rin's eyes widened, “Oh, quit being a bitch, it has nothing to do with Haru. You're the one who's always a fucking flirt. And you were ready to basically fuck a mini-me anyway. I just figured I was offering you some easy tail.”

“You are really testing my patience, Rin,” but Nagisa trudged along.

  
“I don't see why it matters, it's not like you'd fucking leave me on the street. You're too much of a worrier to do something like that, Rei must have rubbed that off on you.”

  
Nagisa closed his eyes, he didn't regret going out with Rin that night, but he was definitely not pleased about the current situation either, “You're right. You can just say whatever you fucking want, and I'll still take you home.”

  
“Oh, now you're getting butthurt? You sound like Haru. Are you gonna yell at me too?” Rin didn't normally play with Nagisa like this, but he was angry. He hadn't realized it, but he was angry and he was taking it out on Nagisa. He shouldn't have been, he had no right to be, but he was mad about the fact that Haru was with Makoto. For some reason, he felt like Haru could be with anyone else, but not Makoto. No, that wasn't true, Makoto was the only one who Rin felt truly threatened by.

  
“Seriously Rin, keep pushing. Maybe when we get back I will fuck you, and then, you can fucking lose the only true friend you ever had besides your sister. Because that's what happens with you, right?” Nagisa wasn't sure why he was letting himself be dragged in, but he couldn't help it, he wasn't exactly the king of sobriety right then either, “You can't keep your dick under control, and so, you lose everyone and everything that matters to you.

  
“And yes, by the way, I know the real story of why you and Haru broke up after everything. The straw that broke the camel's back, and I know that's why you're particularly upset about this Makoto thing. And also, I know you'll never get back together with Haru again. So get over it. You pushed him one too many times, and you lost him,” Nagisa was practically dragging Rin now. He wondered if he had gone too far. Haru's breakup with Rin had not been pretty. Breakups rarely were.

  
Rin was about to give up, and let Nagisa's words sink in, but he had one more question, “Say, Nagisa, if we're that over in your opinion, and I mean, you really seem to think we're over, then, why are you so convinced that I'm still his?”

  
Nagisa shut his eyes, this was a complicated question, but for so much of his life it was always Rin and Haru, Haru and Rin. Rin and Nagisa were just different, on some level, he was probably at least a little jealous of the space Haru occupied in Rin's heart, but Rin wasn't going to change. Wasn't he the one who had always tried to say that to Haru? “Because you are still his. He's just not yours anymore.”

  
And that was when even Rin conceded, “Yeah, when did that happen anyway? I never planned on actually caring about him.”

  
“You can't control something like that,” Nagisa answered.

  
Rin made a sort of groaning noise, and Nagisa knew what that meant and escorted him to yet another trashcan.

  
“We're almost home,” Nagisa said, and he gave Rin a slight massage on his back.

  
Rin finished throwing up, and again wiped his shirt, and smiled, “Much better. Always gotta throw up when I drink this much, better to do it when drunk than when sobering up. Less painful.”  
Nagisa nodded, that he felt the same about, he knew it would fall on deaf ears, but he said it anyway, “You shouldn't drink this much anymore. We're not in college anymore. What if I wasn't around? You could get hurt.”

  
Rin shrugged, “You were, so who cares? Ah, at last,” he motioned at the gateway to his apartment complex, “home sweet home.”

 

“I can't believe we walked all the way to Shinagawa from fucking Shinjuku. You are a lucky man,” Nagisa helped Rin enter the passcode. It wasn't the furthest they had had to come back drunk, but it was a pretty large distance.  
The gate opened and they headed to the elevator to the penthouse, “You had a good time and you know it. Even now, you're having a good time.”

 

  
“It's true,” Nagisa replied.  
They got to Rin's penthouse and Rin slumped onto the couch. Nagisa went into the kitchen. Rin didn't notice it at first, the room was still spinning for him, but Nagisa began to prepare food.  
“What are you doing? C'mere,” Rin asked.

  
“What do you think I'm doing?” Nagisa replied.

  
“Dunno.”

  
“Duh, making your favorite anti-hangover food,” Nagisa answered, “you're way too drunk to cook it, and I'm not going to let you go without. What kind of brother would I be?”

  
Rin smiled, “You always take such good care of me.”

  
Nagisa reappeared in the living room with what was to him the grossest combination of foods in an okonomiyaki pancake for Rin. He placed them down on the table and procured a yellow gatorade, which is what Rin insisted on drinking with it, in spite of how rare they could be in Japan, and then, he sat down next to Rin.

  
“You really are the best,” Rin said. He was suddenly feeling sleepy, but he started to eat some of the food, “you know Nagisa, I really mean it. I know you think I'm being an ass or that there's an anti-Haru agenda, but if you wanted to, I would enjoy fucking you, and I could keep it a secret.”

  
Nagisa said nothing. When Rin behaved like this, it would be hard for most people to figure him out, in fact, if it had been Haru that Rin were talking to, Haru would have probably succumbed. But, Nagisa knew better, and it was one thing to flirt and to joke early on in the night, but black out Rin was a whole different game, “Alright finish your snack and I'll help you get to bed. I'm going to go into your room and get pajamas for you and help you change into them okay.”

  
Rin continued to talk to Nagisa while Nagisa gathered a pair of Rin's boxers and a set of silk pajamas for him. Rin continued to talk because otherwise Nagisa worried. The topics tended to be all over the place, but the main point that they kept coming back to was the fact that Rin was sorry about what had happened tonight. Nagisa told him several times, “It's really okay.”

  
Nagisa returned with the pajamas, and asked Rin if he could dress himself, “Don't wanna.”

  
“If you can, you should.”

  
“No, no, I wanna take a bath.”

  
Nagisa sighed.

  
“I'm all gross. Give me a bath?” Rin begged.

  
Nagisa shook his head.

  
“I'll behave,” Rin winked.

XXX

It was the morning of Haruka's big olympic debut. Rei had gotten up early. He wanted to look nice. He showered, he fiddled with his hair, he put on a suit, the whole nine yards. He looked like he was applying for a job, but he wanted Nagisa to see how mature he was now. He wanted Nagisa to see what had happened during the two years that they hadn't been together. He wanted Nagisa to want him. And he wanted to play it cool, until the right time. Not until Nagisa begged. And Nagisa would beg. Then, Rei would give it to him. Hard.

  
Rei was polished and sexy, and he felt sexy, which made him even more confident. He took the subway to the olympic center. He was right on schedule, he didn't want to be too early and have to make too much small talk with Nagisa, but he didn't want to be late either and miss Haruka swimming. He imagined Haruka's swimming was even more beautiful than it had been so long ago. He started to walk towards the center when he saw an odd site. Was that Makoto? What's he doing out here?

  
He went towards him, “Makoto? What are you doing here? You should be inside -”

  
“Oh Rei? What a surprise,” but his voice held no positive emotion, it was completely hollow, “I guess you came for the big match. You should go inside.”

  
Everything about Makoto was flat. And Rei didn't like it. See, he had never really paid much attention to Makoto, he thought Makoto was attractive, it wasn't that, but Nagisa filled his thoughts. But, seeing Makoto sitting there reminded Rei of himself. That sheer sadness, that pain, he understood all too well, and he couldn't look at it, it was too painful to see it. He didn't want Makoto to make such a sad face, he didn't want anyone to make a sad face like that, “But, why aren't you in there?”

  
Makoto smiled softly, he knew Rei knew about his thing with Haruka, not all the details, but a bit about it, so all he said was, “It didn't work out.”

  
“What?!” Rei was surprised. He wondered if that meant that Haruka was back with Rin then, but he didn't ask. All he could focus on was Makoto, and the reflection of himself in Makoto. I want to change that expression. I'll do anything to not see you look like that.

  
“...yeah,” and that was all Makoto said. Flat, everything about him was flat and dejected.

  
The words that came out of Rei's mouth surprised even him, “Come back with me, then.”

  
“But, what about the match?” Makoto asked.

  
“It doesn't matter, let's just go. Let's get out of here,” Rei said. He grabbed Makoto's hand. He meant it and he had no real regrets about missing the match. He had wanted to see Nagisa and show off, but this was better. This was healthier. Together, Makoto and Rei could figure out how to move on from their pasts. That was why when the sake they drank together spilled on his phone he didn't care. He didn't ever get to apologize to Haruka for missing his match and they never reconnected. He never saw Nagisa. It was just him and Makoto from then on.

  
And it had been good. So, so, good. And even though they were no longer romantically involved, Rei had thought that at some point he and Makoto would end up together. They'd live in the ryokan, and they'd be happy. They weren't each other's first choices, but that was okay. That was life. And they did love each other.

  
But, you took it all away, Nagisa. Just when things were cooling down, you magically found him and changed everything. And once again, I'm all alone thanks to you, Rei was standing in the shower. He finished washing his hair and turned the water off.

  
It was going to be a long day.

XXX

Makoto had spent days working in the store, but his mind was elsewhere. His mind was on Haruka. Why was he here? What did he want from Makoto? Had it been fate that led Nagisa to Makoto's shop?  
It was wearing on him so much that his underlings had started to notice. Maybe it was the fact that Makoto was spending more time in his office. He hated the office, but he didn't want to put on a scary expression to the regulars. And, he didn't want to have to answer any questions about his mood. Besides, it wasn't like the kids couldn't handle the front of the shop. They were good kids. And yet, they couldn't understand what had made their boss hide out in his office.

  
It was a Friday night, and it was about closing time, along with payday, and that was when one of them decided to ask. He picked up his check from Makoto in the back and asked, “Is everything okay with the shop? You've seem distant lately.”

  
Makoto felt a bit guilty, the kids shouldn't be worrying about him, “I'm sorry. It's not about the shop. I'm going to try to figure it out this weekend. I think everything will be fine. Don't you worry,” he said.

  
The boy smiled and thanked Makoto for his paycheck. Then, he left. And Makoto was alone again with his thoughts. He stared at his pile of paperwork. It was smaller than usual, much smaller than usual, as Makoto had been spending most days doing paperwork. He frowned at it, this simply wouldn't do. He thought about what Rei had said, that Makoto needed to decide whether or not to listen to Haruka. That was nice of Rei, and he felt badly about that too. Makoto knew Rei wanted to simply tell him to just stay the hell away from Haruka. And yet, he hadn't. Because he knew that Makoto needed to figure that out on his own.

  
So, here he was figuring it out. He left his office, and locked his door. He opened the text where Rei had included Haru's address. Makoto thought about calling this off and instead dialing Rei's number. But, a voice in the back of his head told him, you're just putting off the inevitable.

  
He went back to his house that night like a good boy. He had some food, but he wasn't hungry. Makoto took a shower, and he laid in his bed. He laid there for hours. Until it was very late, or early depending on how you looked at it. And finally, he decided he couldn't do this anymore. He would hear what Haruka had to say, and then, if necessary, he'd take some time off work and recollect himself, but at least there would be closure.

  
And now that Makoto had made a decision, he had to hear it. And so, he got up at about four A.M., and began to walk over to Haruka's.

  
I'm sorry, Rei, he thought in passing.

XXX

Gou came home from school late that day. Normally, she spent her time around her brother and his friends, her adopted brothers, managing their swim team after school. But, today was different. She had failed some test, and the teacher made her retake it. She had planned to make it to the last few minutes of practice, but naturally, the teacher spent that time and a long time afterwards lecturing her about the importance of academia and how disappointed he was in her, and blah, blah, blah. She knew school was important, she was one of the best students in her class, but she had forgotten about this test. After all, the boys had a big match the original day of the test, and her thoughts had been on that. Oh well, she thought. She figured that her brother would have gone home without her.

  
She sighed, and she gathered her bag. It was pretty late, and she wanted to just get home. After all, she had more homework for this class and more for others on top of that. She hopped on the train. She wasn't like the boys, she didn't see the point to running home or biking home, she had no reason for training. And even if there had been, she was not going to do something like that at this hour. She sighed. Two more stops, she thought.

  
When she reached her stop, she hopped off, and walked the few blocks home. Since her father had died when she was a child, her family didn't have much money. Rin got to go to other schools because of his swimming prowess, but he had decided to go back to public school for Haru. She knew he wasn't happy in their apartment though. In her opinion, it was rather tight for three people, even though they all had their own rooms, their space wasn't big. That wasn't the reason why Rin disliked being home though.

  
She wondered in passing if Rin would even be home when she got home, he had been spending a lot of time with Haruka lately. Not that she minded, she understood why Rin wanted to get out of their apartment. It was one thing for Gou to live at home with their mother, but their mother was different to Rin. Rin looked too much like their father, and sometimes when she was drunk, which was often, she got violent with him.

Gou went up to their apartment on the second floor. The apartment complex was small, not like the ones in Tokyo. There were only three floors and each one had only like six apartments. The lights were off when she got upstairs, and so she thought to herself, I guess that means that nobody is home. Not that she minded, it would be quiet and she could get to work.

  
She turned the key and went inside. In the darkness, sitting in their combination living room/dining room/kitchen, she saw Rin.

  
“Rin? What's wrong? Don't tell me...” her voice trailed off, as she flipped on the light switch. And sure enough, it had happened again, “Where is -?”

  
“She's out with some tool. Probably gonna come home later even more drunk and stoned,” his expression was completely unreadable, but Gou knew what it meant. This was unfortunately not the first time, she had come home to this, Rin continued, “I hate living here. I hate it so fucking much.”

  
Gou was surprised, usually, their mother avoided his face, and yet she could see the formation of a bruise there too. She must have been really drunk. Gou sighed and got the first aid kit out of the bathroom. She also got her makeup kit for later. Everything was extra waterproof, and she always helped Rin cover it up. She knew Rin didn't want his friends not to know, although, she always tried to convince him to talk to them.

  
“You don't have to,” she said, and she started to apply the medicine, “you could go back to boarding school.”

  
“What? Tell the team that I'm a little bitch that gets beat up by his own Mom and that's why I have to abandon them?” He snorted, and said, “Get serious.”

  
“You could tell Haruka. The rest of them don't need an explanation, but you could explain it to him,” she cleaned the scratches on his stomach. It hurt her a lot to have to do this, but she knew it hurt Rin more. Most of the cuts had scabbed over, which meant that Rin had been sitting there for awhile. That made her feel guilty, perhaps if she had been home instead of taking that test or getting yelled at by the teacher, she could have stopped their mother from doing this. But, she knew Rin wouldn't let her get involved. She just felt badly about it all. She wanted Rin to go back to boarding school, but she also knew that when he was on the same team as Haruka, he was happy. And ultimately, no one could control Rin except Rin.

  
Rin didn't reply to her, and finally, he said, “It would just upset him.”

  
“But, that's what a relationship is, you work through problems together,” she argued, cleaning one of the bigger cuts on his stomach.

  
Rin rolled his eyes, “It's not a relationship, sis. Besides, what could he do?”

 

  
She frowned.

  
And seeing the look on her face, Rin replied softly, “It's bad enough to lose to him in the pool. I don't want him to see how weak I am.”

  
She bandaged the majority of the cuts for now, “I'll let them heal overnight. And then, tomorrow...” her voice faded.

  
“Yeah, if you wouldn't mind helping me cover them up, I'd appreciate it,” he said. His voice was empty. He had gone to Australia for school shortly after their Dad died, because of this. Then, when he came back here, he went to boarding school to avoid this. But, when he and Haruka became closer, he changed to public school. He wanted to swim with Haruka and be with Haruka always, but everything has a price.

  
“Rin,” she touched his hair and thought about the photos of her father, “I can cut it and dye it, if you want, and maybe she won't -”

  
“No, I like my hair as is,” Rin said. It wasn't entirely true. He liked it long, but considering everything, Rin had also thought about changing it. He wanted to make himself look different. But Haru liked it, and so, Rin couldn't cut it, “I'll just deal with it.”

XXX

 

“Nagisa?” Rin knocked on his door.

There was no answer. Rin heard someone scurrying around, Rin knocked harder, “Nagisa? I'm coming in,” and he opened the door.

Nagisa was by the sink in his room. Freshmen rooms were tiny, their main furnishings being a bed and a desk. In the corner, was a tiny sink with a mirror.

“What are you doing? Why didn't you answer? Why aren't you ready? We said seven,” Rin checked his watch.

  
“Sorry, I was just...” His voice faded.

And as Rin walked closer to Nagisa, he saw the beginning of a puncture near Nagisa's wrist and a knife in his hand. Rin's eyes widened and he rushed over to Nagisa, “What the fuck were you doing?”  
Rin grabbed the pocket-knife from Nagisa and slapped his face. Nagisa was shocked. So was Rin. Rin didn't ever hit people, he hated hitting in general, but this was too much. The thought of what could have happened if Rin hadn't gone into Nagisa's room, if instead of entering Rin had turned around and left, terrified him.

  
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Rin asked still staring at his own hand, “Holy fuck, Nagisa. What the hell has happened to you?”

  
Nagisa pouted and looked away, “The door was supposed to be locked.”

  
“Do you want me to slap you again?” Rin asked, but he knew he wouldn't actually do it. His hand stung, and while his temper was cooling off now, he felt bad far too bad about hitting Nagisa to do it again. Instead, he folded the knife down and slipped it into his pocket.

  
Nagisa shook his head.

  
“Good. I'm sorry I did that...I...I really am. I just...I can't handle the thought of anything happening to you. So, here's what we're going to do. You are going to call me anytime you think of doing anything stupid. Or anytime you are upset. And I will take you out and we'll do something fun, and eventually, you will be happy,” Rin sighed, “you can't do this. I can't lose you. You're the person who goes here from back home.”

  
Nagisa nodded slowly.

 

  
“Let's get you cleaned up and then, let's get some ramen,” Rin said.

  
Nagisa sat on his bed, and Rin grabbed the first aid kit from Nagisa's closet. Nagisa was surprised by how deftly Rin cleaned the cut and put the bandage on. His curiosity must have been obvious, because Rin explained, “My Mom got violent a lot when I was home.”

  
Nagisa's eyes widened.

  
“Don't make a big deal of it okay? Just let it go and don't tell Haru,” Rin said.

  
Nagisa wanted to ask more, but Rin obviously wasn't going to volunteer that information. The only reason, Rin told me that, he thought, is because he saw what I was about to do, “I won't, if you won't talk about what I almost did.”

  
Rin smiled. That was the beginning of their friendship. They had been friends for awhile, but nothing like what unfolded after that. That night at Ramen began their true friendship. Nagisa learned more details about what had happened to Rin as time went on, and Rin helped Nagisa through his loneliness. They were an unusual pair, but Rin had a certain charisma that changed Nagisa and Nagisa's genuine kindness drew in Rin.

  
Rin took Nagisa to a little street Ramen stand, “Oh, that is the stuff,” Rin said, as he sipped on the broth, “See, this right here is exactly why I couldn't do that kind of thing. Ramen is just too damn good.”

  
Even Nagisa smiled at that.

  
Rin asked, “Why were you gonna do something like that anyway?”

  
Nagisa didn't respond.

  
“Tell me that it is not because of Rei.” Rin demanded.

  
“What happened with him was all my fault,” Nagisa replied after slurping up a noodle. He had to admit this Ramen was good.

  
Rin let out a loud snort, “That's complete bullshit. I mean, you don't honestly think that do you?”

  
Nagisa nodded slightly.

  
Rin wanted to shake him, “He told you not to go to school here. How is that your fault?”

  
“He thought it would tear us apart and it has, it's all my fault,” Nagisa put down his spoon and raised the napkin to his lips.

  
“You're wrong. It was selfish of him to tell you not to go to school here. When Haru got scouted to go professional, even though I didn't want him to, I didn't stop him. I encouraged him. Anything different would have been completely selfish,” Rin looked at Nagisa who appeared to be mulling that over, “and that is coming from a very selfish guy.”

  
This also made Nagisa laugh.

  
“Ultimately though,” Rin said, “The only way to get over heartbreak is to break hearts.”

  
“Amen to that,” said the guy working in the Ramen stand. This also made Nagisa chuckle.

  
The guy handed Rin and Nagisa a beer each, “Breakups are the worst.”

  
They thanked him. They toasted each other, and took a swallow.

  
“You're looking better,” Rin said and he meant it.

  
Nagisa nodded, “I'm feeling a lot better. You're a way better friend than I thought you were, Rin.”

  
“I'm not sure whether to feel complimented or offended,” Rin joked. He chugged the rest of the beer and said, “Oh man. I feel way better now too. You know what? I've got a brilliant idea. You should join my fraternity. We'll have a crazy time.”

  
Nagisa agreed, “Yeah, okay.”

  
“Oh - be more excited than that. We are gonna wreck shit up.”

XXX

The pair was standing in Rin's bathroom now. Nagisa had turned on the water. He felt like such a pushover, but he had to agree with Rin, a bath sounded nice. Rin had a tub with more than enough space for two. The thing was like a small pool.

  
It wasn't the first time Nagisa had done this with Rin, and it was sure to not be the last. Nagisa helped Rin stand up and Rin lifted his arms. Nagisa unbuttoned Rin's pants, and wasn't sure whether or not to be surprised that Rin was wearing nothing below them. On the one hand, it was not the first time that this had happened, but it had been awhile since Nagisa was responsible for drunken Rin, “You've got to be kidding me.”

  
Rin smirked and laughed, “You can touch it if you want.”

  
Nagisa rolled his eyes and slid Rin's pants down and helped Rin step out of them. Next, Nagisa helped unbutton Rin's shirt. Nagisa helped Rin into the tub and threw the smelly clothes out into the hall where they couldn't smell them. The bathroom was foggy and nice. Nagisa slipped out of his own clothes, but kept his boxers on. He started to step into the tub, when Rin said, “Oh don't be a bitch. This is Japan.”

  
Nagisa laughed and agreed. He slid out of his pants and stepped into the tub. Rin was on one side of it and Nagisa on the other, he asked, “Feeling better?”

  
Rin nodded, “Much. I didn't mean to get as drunk as I did tonight. I haven't puked in a while. But, it's been a long time since I've gone out with you.”

  
Nagisa laughed.

  
“Will you wash me?” Rin asked.

Nagisa glared at him, “No funny business.”

Rin nodded, and so, Nagisa went to join Rin. He grabbed some of the soaps and oils and rubbed them on Rin's face and chest and legs. Rin behaved – no moaning, no moving, nothing - to Nagisa's surprise. Not that I'm particularly disappointed or anything.

When it was Rin's turn though to do Nagisa, that was when Rin made a move. First of all, he put the oils and soaps on Nagisa's lower back and went down further than Nagisa had gone on Rin. But, he still managed to stay well above Nagisa's ass. Nagisa tried to control himself. It had been a long time since anyone had touched him and Rin's deft hands were not making it easy.

Rin started to move his face in towards Nagisa's.

_“Well, it's about time for me to grab a cab home,” Rin said looking at his watch._

_Nagisa nodded. The pair was sitting on the curb. It was the middle of winter, but they were drunk and warm._

_“Unless you wanna make out?” Rin asked._

_Nagisa only laughed, “Not gonna happen.”_

_“A shame.”_

_“Congrats on getting scouted.”_

_“There are better ways to offer them,” Rin winked, but he was already halfway in the cab._

Nagisa pulled back, a second later than he would have normally. Rin didn't notice that it had taken Nagisa longer to pull back. He was too drunk. Nagisa stood up, but seeing that his dick was almost at eye level of Rin, he stepped to the side and got out of the tub. Nagisa put on a towel, and then, he helped Rin get out.

  
“So, even at this stage, you still won't touch me, huh?” Rin asked. Either Nagisa was the best friend ever, or he was really not interested.

  
Nagisa shook his head, “Not while you're drunk no. I want you to have a clear head if you really wanna try this.”

  
His sincerity surprised even Nagisa himself. He was really open to being with Rin. He would have probably said no way at the beginning of the night, but then again, he had been the one to text Rin. Was this what he wanted?

  
Rin nodded, “Okay then. I'll ask you when I get up.”

Yeah right, thought Nagisa, but he didn't say anything.

“Will you help me put on my pants?” Rin asked Nagisa.

Nagisa sighed, Rin did something of a swagger to indicate that he wasn't in fact faking. Nagisa nodded, “Okay then. Let me get your boxers.”

“Nah, just pants.”

Nagisa rolled his eyes, “Fine, but if you piss yourself, I'm not doing this a second time. You're gonna have to sleep in piss pants.”

“I have not ever pissed myself.”

“Not true.”

“Oh come on now, that's not fair. You weren't even there that night.”

Nagisa laughed, and got the pajama pants, and slid them up Rin's legs. Rin obviously appeared to enjoy having Nagisa dress him, and Nagisa didn't entirely mind the accidental brush against Rin's ass. Nagisa was about to get the shirt to put that on Rin, but Rin reached for it himself. He buttoned it without a problem, leaving Nagisa to wonder if Rin just wanted to be a cocktease. Most likely. Rin gave

Nagisa a look that said, 'I dare you to ask.'

But, Nagisa didn't ask. Instead, he drained the bath, and walked Rin to his bed.

“You gonna sleep next to me?” Rin asked.

Nagisa shook his head, “I'll sleep on the guest bed.”

“Soooo far away.”

“If you need anything let me know,” Nagisa was firm. He was starting to get tired.

Rin nodded, “Okay, night-night, Nagisa.”

Nagisa went to turn off the light, but Rin said, “Thanks for inviting me out tonight Nagisa. I know I was a pain for you, but I get really lonely.”

Nagisa paused and thought about how to respond, but he heard snores.

XXX

Haruka was sitting in his bath. It had gone cold, and so, he turned the jets on again. It started to warm up again. He was staring at his phone debating with himself about everything. He wanted to make a move to see Makoto again, but he couldn't figure out how to do that. He wanted Makoto to appear at his door like Rei had. As if that would happen, he thought to himself. He wanted to tell Nagisa that Rei was here, mainly to see how Nagisa would respond. Nagisa had tortured him for months with the information about Makoto and it seemed only fair that he should get some revenge. His mind went over what Nagisa had said though. That Nagisa would have been happy if he never had to see Rei again. Haruka refused to believe that. He was happy that he got to see Makoto at his cafe. Even though it had been difficult.

And so, Haruka decided to send him a text.

Rei is here too, Nagisa. He's been here this whole time hiding out in this town. He and Makoto are friends. If you came back here, you could see him.

He wondered how quickly Nagisa would take the bait.

XXX

Nagisa's phone beeped. Nagisa was lying awake mulling over everything that happened with Rin that night. It had been a long time since Nagisa had seen Rin intentionally start a fight just to lose it. At the same time though, Rin had been so forward and tried so hard to get Nagisa's attention.

When Rin had gone in to kiss him, as always, Nagisa had pulled away. But, what if when he sobered up it was still what Rin wanted to do? It had been so long since Nagisa had felt that kind of release, and he knew Rin was good. He had to be considering what Haruka let Rin get away with. But, Rin couldn't commit. Not then, not now, not ever. Rin could only commit to friendship, and Nagisa knew well that Rin was well committed to theirs. After all, if it had not been for Rin freshman year, he might have -

Nagisa pushed that thought away and rubbed his wrist awkwardly. He thought more about what would happen if he did give Rin a chance. What would he tell Haruka? Would he tell Haruka? He would have to. But, how would he put it that would not make Haruka hop on the next train to Tokyo to steal Rin back? Would it even matter to Haruka? Haruka was never going to get back together again with Rin. Right? Nagisa thought about what Rin had done. But, as he was torn in the middle, a small voice in his head asked, Could he really blame Rin for that?

The truth was that if he could, he wouldn't have been able to stay friends with Rin. Even so, what about Makoto? He mulled over Makoto and Haruka. Mostly though, he was awake because he was worried about Rin and it was never easy to fall asleep in the guest bed of someone else's place. But, Nagisa was surprised to get a text at this hour. Haru, maybe? He wondered.

He checked his phone and just about dropped it when he read it. Now, he was definitely not going to get any sleep.

XXX

Haru wasn't that surprised that Nagisa didn't text him back. It was late after all, maybe Nagisa was in bed. Haru wasn't there for Nagisa to go to the bar with, and Nagisa would have gotten home earlier if he had been out with workmates. Haru knew he should be in bed too, but his days and nights were all mixed up. During the day he couldn't muster the energy to get up, but during night, he had all the energy in the world. Not that he had anything to do with that energy. Haruka made use of his pool, but his mind was on Makoto. He sat patiently in his tub waiting to get tired enough to go to sleep or for Nagisa to text him back, or for anything really, when he heard the front door to his house open. He was not even startled. Probably some worker, he thought. His new property required a lot of maintenance after all. Between the pool, the yard, the cook, and everything else, it was a lot of upkeep.

But, the person that entered hadn't been maintenance. And Haru was surprised when the bathroom door opened up. But, more surprised to see the face to whom the visitor belonged.

“Just like old times, huh?” Haru smiled softly.

But, Makoto's face didn't reflect one of old friends meeting. He replied coldly, “I want to hear it all. I want to hear why you are here, what you want, and what happened between you and Rin, and then

I'll decide what I think.”

“It's a long story,” Haru sighed. He didn't like telling stories, especially not long ones.

“Well, you have to tell it.”

“I know and I will.”

XXX

Their mother stumbled in drunk at around 3 AM. She was by herself, whoever the guy had been, if they did it, she didn't bring him home. Her mood was soaring. She giggled in the kitchen to herself. Her loud movements, slamming doors and stumbling around, woke up Rin. He tried to lay as still as possible in his bed. Please don't come in here. Not tonight, he thought.

But, she did, as she always did. This was his mother's happy drunk mode, and one that he preferred to the alternative. Not that it was much better.

“Rin, sweety,” her voice was sugary, “wake up, I wanna talk to you.”

“Okay, Mom,” he tried his best to sound happy to see her. He never knew what would set her off and cause her to get mad at him again.

She sat on his bed, “Sit up.”

He obeyed.

“Mommy's sorry, you know that right?” She asked, “Mommy loves you very much, but sometimes, Mommy gets confused, and angry. But, you know I love you right?”

He nodded slowly. She hugged him, and he put his hand on her back.

“Say you love Mommy too, Rin,” she demanded.

“I love you too, Mom,” and he tried hard to mean it, but he felt nothing. Love isn't real, he thought, there's no such thing.

“Good!” She patted him on the head, and left his room.

He slumped back down into his bed and cried softly to himself. This is why I can't tell him, Gou. He'd see me cry and he'd think I was weak and he wouldn't want me anymore. And besides, there's nothing he can do anyway. There's nothing anyone can do.

Gou was awake in her room too. When their Mom crashed into her bed, they both knew it. He knew Gou was awake, and as much as Gou wanted to go to him, and comfort him, she didn't. It just made him upset, and he was thankful she didn't bother him. It was one thing for her to help him deal with the marks, but he didn't like when she saw how powerless he was. He knew she knew, but he preferred for her to not see the look on his face. He was supposed to be her brother and her protector and he just felt so weak.

  
And no matter what she said or did, Gou couldn't change his mind about that. The truth was, she respected him and cared about him more than anyone in the world. In her mind, he was the bravest person she knew.

XXX

Haru kissed Rin's stomach. Then, he moved and kissed a scratch on Rin's stomach gently, lovingly. Rin recoiled back. He was utterly horrified that Haru touched it. It was a leftover from awhile back, “Stop that.”

  
“What?” Haru asked.

“Don't touch that, don't touch me,” Rin pushed Haru off him.

Haru, as a result, almost slipped off the bed, but he caught himself in time. Haru was confused, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing, fuck off.”

“I was just -”

“-forget about it.”

“Where did you get that scar?” Haru asked, he had noticed before that Rin had lots of little scars, but he'd never asked why.

Rin thought for a moment, he heard Gou's voice in the back of his head, but he finally said, “Practice.”

Haru didn't understand why Rin was so weird about it, if that were the case. But, he decided it was Rin’s usual competitive spirit and he let it go, “Whatever asshole.”

Rin smirked, “Yeah, I'll show you one, c'mere.”

XXX

“Have you thought at all about what we're going to do next year?” Rei was nervous asking such a question. Being around Nagisa had been wonderful. It had taken him awhile to succumb to Nagisa, but Nagisa always got what he wanted and this made Rei nervous. After all, Nagisa changed him, Nagisa made him feel like he could do anything. Nagisa made him feel like he could relax and that everything would be okay. Except that, it was Nagisa's senior year and that meant that Nagisa was leaving.

Nagisa nodded slowly. The truth was that he had a lot of familial pressure. See, his family let him do whatever he wanted for the most part, but that freedom came with certain restrictions. Of his group of friends, Nagisa was probably one of the richer ones. Not that he was a snob or anything, but his family had powerful connections in Tokyo, and they expected him to follow their footsteps and do what was expected of being a member of that family. He went to public school, because he convinced his parents that it would make him well-rounded, but that meant that he had to get into certain colleges.

  
His father and practically every man in his family had gone to Tokyo University. Those that hadn't went to Waseda and Keio, and that was considered almost shameful. Tokyo University was the best of the best, and even though Waseda and Keio were ranked just as highly, they were a Tokyo University family. All of them women had gone to the University of the Sacred Heart. It wasn't as famous outside of Japan, but to the Japanese, particularly, those of the upper-crust, it was a very meaningful school. It may not have had the rankings of Tokyo University, but it was possibly more exclusive. After all, it had been the university that the empress had gone to. As a result, the university had a small palace on it. It was a girls school, so obviously Nagisa wouldn't go there, but the expectation was that he would go to Tokyo University and find some Sacred Heart girl while he was there. He'd marry her in the chapel on the school grounds, and Nagisa would get a job at one of the top firms in Tokyo. He and his wife would have some beautiful boy who would then go on to Tokyo University too. Basically, it would be happily every after.

  
It sucked enough that he had this pressure from his family. But, the pressure didn't end there. His teachers also had high expectations of him. They didn't understand why he bothered with anything other than school and for the most part, Nagisa was naturally smart, he was well-bred after all, but he didn't get into all that. The most fun that he had was working on the school swim team and hanging out with Rei.

  
These are all distractions that you don't need.

  
“We need to talk about that,” Nagisa finally said slowly. See, it wasn't solely the family and school pressure that bothered him. It was the fact that sitting in his school bag was a letter that the school had received today. It was an early acceptance letter to Tokyo University. And he had said yes that he would attend earlier today. He didn't tell Rei much about his family pressure. Rei had sort of put together the fact that Nagisa was well off. After all, Nagisa lived in the part of town that was expensive. He had a nicer house than most of the kids in public school, but he was so down to earth and so sweet that Rei didn't think much of it. But, Nagisa so far also had avoided the conversation about school. After all, he was a year ahead of Rei. This meant that his future would happen sooner. Nagisa sighed.

  
Rei smiled, “I had a thought about that.”

  
Nagisa bit his lip, “Oh?”

  
Rei nodded, “I thought you could go to the province business school. I'm sure your family wants you to study business, but this way you could stay close and I could visit you on the weekends. It's only like an hour away, and it's near one of my family's ryokan. And then, the following year I could join you there, and we could live together and then, when we got out maybe we could take over part of my family's business or expand it or something.”

  
A look of sadness appeared on Nagisa's face. Rei had obviously thought a lot about this and it did sound nice to have a more simple life. No 20 hour long days working for some horrible company in Tokyo. No train commute. A relaxing and simple countryside life with Rei sounded much better by comparison.

  
“You're not interested?” Rei was dejected.

  
“It's not that,” Nagisa looked away, “actually, that sounds really nice. But, I...”

  
“What?”

  
“I already applied to school and I got accepted.”

  
Rei was surprised, "W-where?”

  
“Tokyo.”

  
“Where in Tokyo?” Rei asked. His expression was blank. Nagisa in Tokyo?

  
“Tokyo University.”

  
This surprised Rei even more. He hadn't exactly thought of Nagisa as stupid, but he definitely didn't think of him as Tokyo University material.

  
“I...I know we should have talked about this earlier, but I handed in my recognition of their acceptance today. Next fall, I'll be going to school in Tokyo,” Nagisa's voice held no expression. The words came out of him as facts and that is how he felt about them.

  
“Y-you can't.”

  
“I have to,” Nagisa said sadly, then his voice became more optimistic, “But, we can make it work. I'll come back as often as I can, and some weekends you can come to me.”

  
“Long distance doesn't work Nagisa, it's going to ruin us.”

  
Nagisa shook his head, “I-it doesn't have to. It's us, Rei, we can make it possible.”

  
“No, if you're going to Tokyo, then you are giving up on us,” Rei was mad. His fist slammed on the table. He didn't control his temper very well after all, “And if you're give up on us like that, we might as well just stop this now.”

  
“Wh-what?”

  
“I'm going home.”

  
“N-no. S-stop,” Nagisa knew that this conversation wasn't going to be easy, but he at least expected Rei to work with him. Rei went out the door and even though Nagisa went after him, Rei was gone.

XXX

“I got scouted. Makoto arranged it.”

  
It was the last time for a long time that Rin and Haru would talk one on one. Nothing physical happened, which felt wrong somehow, but both boys managed to keep up the invisible boundaries, “Congratulations.”

  
“I’m going to Europe with Makoto to train. When I come back, it’ll be to participate in the olympics.”

 

It was hard for Rin to tell whether that was a challenge by Haruka or simply a statement. Not even Haruka could be certain, “I’m going to swim for Tokyo U. We may train together.”

  
The whole thing felt strangely formal to Rin. As for Haruka, it felt empty. Rin wanted Haruka to stay, and Haruka wanted Rin to stop him, but neither boy made a move. Finally, Haruka said, “Well, good luck.”

  
“You too.”

  
And with that, they went their separate ways.

XXX

“Happy birthday, Nitori,” Rin produced some booze.

  
Nitori smirked, “I’ve already gotten started,” and he produced a flask.

  
Rin smiled, but his smile wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as usual.

  
“Don’t pout like that, it’s my birthday. You may have lost the race, but it is my birthday.”

  
“How would you like to celebrate?” Rin asked.

  
Nitori smiled, “I have something in mind that’ll get your mind off losing to Haruka, and will make me feel less damn lonely.”

XXX

The pair barely made it off the train and back to Rei’s place before they were at it. Rei wasn’t even sure how it had happened. Neither was Makoto. They had never been particularly attracted to each other, and yet, something about the situation made them seem utterly made for each other.

  
They made it into the kitchen of Rei’s family’s hotel. At the table, in the center of the dining room, they spent hours fooling around with each other. It wasn’t the best that either had ever had, and yet, there was a certain release that neither had ever felt. The pair went to the marriage suite and continued. Days went by. Days turned into a week before they even left the room.

  
It was decided that Makoto would stay with Rei, and for a while that seemed to be okay. But as the time went on, Makoto became restless. I’ve spent the last year relying on Haruka, and now, what? I’ve found a new sugar daddy?

  
Rei didn’t seem to mind though. He’s not Nagisa, but he’s kind. And he’s broken, like me.

  
Ultimately, the point came when Makoto could not handle it anymore. This culminated in a conversation over dinner at the very same table where they had first fucked. Makoto began slowly, “I’ve been looking at part time jobs here.”

  
“You can just work here,” Rei offered.

  
Makoto shook his head, “I’d like to stay near here, but I have to work somewhere else. I have to make a life for myself. I’ve relied on other people for too long. I need to make my own life now.”  
Rei nodded slowly, trying to understand what this meant.

  
“I found a cafe by the ocean that is looking for someone who can bake. I studied baking a lot when I was traveling with Haruka. I...I’m going to take a job there. And, the owner has offered for me to rent from him. I’m really appreciative to you, Rei, but I think...I need to take some time and figure out where in the world I belong,” Makoto sighed. This was not easy for him to say, he felt like it would come off as ungrateful, but in truth, he knew he would have never gotten to this point were it not for Rei.

  
“I understand. I think maybe then, we should stop…” Rei didn’t finish his thought. It wasn’t that he wanted to stop this thing with Makoto, but it was confusing. And ultimately, it seemed as though Makoto needed a friend more than a fuck right now.

  
Makoto nodded, “I’d like for us to be friends. I don’t have many of them after all.”

  
Rei smiled weakly, “It’s the same for me.”

  
“You and me against the world?”

  
Rei nodded.

  
This was how they became friends and only friends, and yet, in the back of both their minds, lingered the same question. Will there ever be anyone just for me?

XXX

Nagisa was drunk. Really drunk. He had never been this drunk before in his life. He had gone out drinking with Rin in the past, and he’d gotten tipsy, but this was his first time being drunk.  
Most nights when he went out with Rin, he was usually pretty fed up with Rin by the night. Rin was one of those people who when they’d take you out, somehow, it never seemed like they really partied with you. Rin always took Nagisa out, and then, he put a tipsy Nagisa to bed, and then when Rin left, wherever he went after that, that place was where the real party began for Rin. This didn’t please Nagisa. It made him feel so damn uncool.

  
But not tonight. Tonight, for every shot that Rin did, Nagisa did one too, and now, Nagisa was on top of the fucking world. And for once, Rin seemed to think he was worth hanging out with. And of course, because he was drunk, Nagisa told him so, “I can’t believe you’ve let me stay out with you this long.”

  
Rin laughed into his beer, “What?”

  
“You always abandon me. You take me home cause I’m not cool enough and then, you go have your own special real party,” Nagisa complained. He was having a difficult time being exactly eloquent, but Rin seemed to get his point.

  
Rin shrugged, “It’s not like that.”

  
“Yes, it is!” Nagisa whined.

  
“I didn’t think you wanted to be along for the second part.”

“Why not?”

  
As though it were the easiest thing to say, Rin replied, “It’s when I pick up whoever I’m gonna fuck. I didn’t think you were interested in being apart of that.”

  
This surprised Nagisa a little bit even though it shouldn’t have. He knew that Rin never had any problem fucking people even when Rin was with Haru, and he wasn’t even with Haru, but still, the ease with which the words slid out of Rin, caught Nagisa off-guard. Nagisa shrugged, “Why not?”

  
Rin shifted uncomfortably. And suddenly, Nagisa felt a slight pain in his wrist, “Oh. Because of Rei.”

  
Rin said nothing. But, Nagisa was drunk and happy, and the thoughts of Rei felt so far away for him, “Let’s do it. Let’s pick some people up.”

  
Rin raised his eyebrows, “Are you sure? I could take you home.”

  
“Yeah,” Nagisa slurred, “I want tuh fuck someone hard.”

  
Something about the way the alcohol loosed up Nagisa amused Rin, but Rin didn’t laugh at Nagisa, “Well, alright then. How about them?”

  
What happened next was a bit of a blur for Nagisa. He had had a lot to drink of course and it was the first time that he ever blacked out. But, there were some memories of the night that were clearly embedded in his memory. He’s sure that he must have said yes, because the next thing he could remember involved him grinding up against a hot brunette girl from the group of people that Rin had pointed out. Nagisa never really cared about whether a person was a boy or a girl, they were just hot to him. Of course, no one was as hot to him as Rei, but that was beyond the point right now. At the same time, appeared another image, the image of Rin locking lips with a man who was obviously a dealer and looked a bit dangerous. His hair was curly and he looked a bit disheveled, but Rin obviously intended to hook up with him.

  
Nagisa is sure that he fucked the girl, he remembered going to the bathroom in the bar with her. And it’s especially clear, because the next morning it was something that Rin confirmed for him. But, the rest of the night was a bit of a blur for Nagisa. He did have something of a strange memory involving Rin leaving the bar with the dealer, that must have happened around when he went off to the basement bathroom with the girl. After he finished with her, he went to go find Rin. Nagisa remembers that he had a depressed drunk moment soon after, thinking that Rin had probably abandoned him and gone home with the dealer. He stepped out of the bar to cool off, and he turned into the alley to the side of it to have a smoke. All of these are just stills in his memory, none of it feels like it was real, and yet...

  
He vaguely remembered that as he pulled out a cigarette in the alley, he turned to the side, and he saw Rin and the dealer. Rin looked completely blazed. Something about his eyes were totally different. Nagisa couldn’t hear much or see much, but as he inched closer, he realized that the dealer was hitting Rin.

  
“You like that, don’t you?” The dealer asked.

 

Rin moaned a bit, but he didn’t feel a thing, “Yeah, do it fucking harder.”

  
“Take this babe,” the dealer stopped for a minute and handed Rin something, and Rin swallowed it.

  
Nagisa was horrified. He couldn’t exactly tell what was going on, but it looked wrong. Is this what he does every time we go out after I go home? And yet, something about it made Nagisa feel good. For once, he was actually getting to see another side of Rin besides the facade that he always put up. Nagisa tried not to be seen, but Rin noticed him. Rin’s eyes widened for a minute, but he must have decided it didn’t matter, because he didn’t say anything to acknowledge Nagisa. The dealer quickly slammed him against the alley. Rin groaned. That, he had been able to feel.  
The dealer was alarmed though by something in the look that Rin had given Nagisa, and he turned to face Nagisa.

  
“Who the fuck is that?” He turned back to Rin, “That your fucking boyfriend?”

  
“If I say ‘yes’, will you quit hitting me like a girl, and actually fucking do some damage?” Rin asked, he was massaging his side though, even though he was too high to feel it now because of the pills, he knew he was going to feel it in the morning.

  
“Seriously, who the fuck is he? Is he gonna fucking call the police and say this was all my fault?”

  
Nagisa slumped by the trash in the alley. His head was pounding. He was so drunk, he thought for sure he was going to vomit.

  
“He’s wasted, don’t worry about him. He won’t even remember this happened.”

  
The dealer looked skeptical at Rin, debating about whether or not to book it.

  
Rin rolled his eyes, “Quit being so fucking lame. I’m starting to get bored, I told you not to worry about it.”

  
He seemed to refocus on Rin when Rin said that. Rin always got his way after all.

  
“So what then? Are you gonna fuck me yet?”

  
“Jeez, you’re impatient.”

  
“You fucking blow at this,” Rin meant the attacking, “hopefully, you’re at least a decent fuck.”

  
“I’m gonna fucking kill you.”

  
Rin smirked, “That’s better. Show me more.”

  
Nagisa didn’t remember anything beyond that and the whole night ended up feeling like a dream. Rin had wanted to get hit? Rin had been asking for it from some random guy? Yep, Nagisa had had too much to drink. It must have been a dream. But, the next morning he woke up with the worst hangover ever. Well, not really, he’d experience many more after that, but at that time, it had been. Over all it must have been an excellent night though because Rin didn’t abandon him. He remembered Rin finally truly letting go with him and the two of them having fun, and partying and then, there was that weird part that must have been a dream. Rin was sitting at Nagisa’s desk patiently waiting for him to wake up, so, he even took me home after that?

  
“Ughhh” Nagisa moaned.

  
Rin smiled, “You had a pretty fun night last night.”

  
“I have the worst headache ever,” Nagisa clutched at his head.

  
Rin shrugged, “Just get some more sleep. I’ll teach you what I do before I go to bed to keep hangovers away next time.”

  
“I had a good time with you last night, Rin.”

  
Rin smiled, “I had fun too. You can be quite the guy when you cut loose. You fucked a girl in a fucking bar bathroom. I’m impressed.”

  
“So that really happened?”

  
Rin nodded.

  
“Ugh,” Nagisa moaned, then a flashback of seeing Rin clutching his side came back to Nagisa, “there’s something else.”

  
“What?”

  
“I remember being in an alley and you were getting beat up by some sketchy guy.”

  
Rin paused for a second, thinking, but he laughed, “You fucking drunk,” he lightly patted Nagisa on the head, “Must have been a dream. I’m obviously fine.”

  
But, it hadn’t been a dream, and even though Nagisa believed him the first time, the second time, he remembered it more clearly. He saw Rin beg to get beat up and fucked and he especially saw the look of bliss on Rin’s face when it all happened. Nagisa had never seen Rin look that fucking high and happy. Nagisa remembered it so clearly because it hurt. It hurt a lot because he knew that with the straightest face, Rin had lied to him.

XXX

“First, I wanna say thanks. You know, for what you did for me last night. Was nice of you to take care of me,” Rin had made breakfast and brought it to Nagisa, who had somehow managed to fall asleep. Nagisa checked his watch and was surprised to learn that it was somehow already the early evening. Late breakfast, then. Rin looked like he didn't even experience any kind of hangover. Nagisa imagined he probably hadn't. He had only ever seen Rin hung over once.

  
Nagisa just shrugged, “No big deal.”

  
“I was an ass last night, but I've done some thinking,” Rin said taking a bite of the big plate he had brought for Nagisa and him to share, while Nagisa tried some of the eggs.

  
Nagisa raised a brow.

  
“Last night wasn't the right time, and it wouldn't have been the same drunk, but, Haru and I are over. So, I'm asking you sober, would you ever want to try this?”

  
Nagisa was a little bit surprised by Rin's bluntness. No games, nothing. Straightforward and serious. The opposite of the usual Rin. He didn't expect this from Rin. He didn't expect anything from Rin. And as much as he wanted to say yes, if for no other reason than to distract him from the text message he had gotten in the wee hours of the morning, he replied, “You're not relationship material, and you're not someone I'd just want to have a one night stand with.”

  
“Haruka's moving on, Nagisa, and I think I could be serious with you. You know how I feel about love though,” Rin looked away.

  
Nagisa frowned. Rin didn't believe in love, but last night, he had called what he felt about Haru love. That had surprised Nagisa. To be fair though, Nagisa didn't believe he'd ever fall in love again either. His mind floating back to the text, and he thought, No way is Rin serious. He picked a fight last night after all. But, and Nagisa knew better, but even so, I definitely want something now, and he'd be a nice distraction, “Sure, what the hell, let's give it a shot.”

XXX

Nagisa sighed. Rin was finally awake. Nagisa had been waiting all night for Rin’s eyes to open soberly at the edge of his bed. Although he seemed to feel no effects of hangover, Rin wasn’t exactly chipper.

  
“We have to talk,” Nagisa began getting straight to the point. He wasn’t going to dance around the subject. He was mad, “you lied to me, didn’t you?”

  
Rin rolled his eyes, “It’s nothing to talk about. You don’t have to worry about it, Nagisa.”

  
“Does Haru know that you do this?”

  
“Haru knows nothing about anything, nor should he, and besides, he’s going out with Makoto, we’re not exactly on speaking terms,” Rin sighed. He reached for what was left of the gatorade next to his lamp. Rin always ate nasty okonomiyaki and drank gatorade before he went to sleep and he claimed that it kept him from getting a hangover. Nagisa tried it one time, between the time when Rin had lied to him and now, when Rin had prepared it for him, but instead of helping, the okonomiyaki just made him puke everything up. In a way it helped, as by morning, Nagisa had emptied the entire contents of his stomach, but it didn’t help in the same way it helped Rin. Rin ate his hangover cure and it was as though he had not even been out the night before. It gave Rin a perfect calm.  
Nagisa frowned, “Well, in any case, I brought the first aid kit from the bathroom,” and Rin began to apply some of the medicine to his recent wounds. Nagisa continued, “I had a thought…”

 

  
“What’s that?”

  
Nagisa had unconsciously begun to rub at his wrist, “You don’t want me to...you know…”

  
Rin looked at Nagisa’s wrist and narrowed his eyes. He slowly nodded.

“I don’t want you to do what you’ve been doing. It’s not healthy. It’s not healthy for either of us.”

“So?” Rin raised a brow.

“So, we’ll keep each other from doing it. It’ll be a pact.”

“A pact?”

Nagisa nodded, “I won’t cut myself, and you won’t do what you’ve been doing.”

It was easier for Nagisa to talk about his own problem, but he couldn’t bring himself to clearly state Rin’s. He wasn’t even sure what exactly it was that Rin was doing. But, it was wrong.

“I’m not going to stop drinking,” Rin rolled his eyes.

Nagisa shook his head, “That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.”

Rin sighed, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“I don’t think what I do is that big of a deal either.”

With this, Rin knew he had been beat. He gently pulled on Nagisa’s wrist, the one that Nagisa had cut. He examined the scar. Nagisa looked painfully at him.

Finally, it was Rin who broke the silence, “Alright. I’ll stop. I’ll stop starting fights just to get my ass kicked. But, you have to promise me you’ll stop too.”

Nagisa nodded.

And the boys hugged. With that their pact was made, and together they kept it for a long time.

XXX

“How...how is he doing anyway?”

“You don’t really want to know the answer to that.”

“Yeah, I do,” Haru disagreed, taking a sip of his drink. They were sitting on the couches at their usual place in Hiroo.

  
Nagisa shook his head, “No, no, you don’t. If I tell you that he’s happy without you, you’ll be upset. And, if I tell you that you’ve fucked him up forever and he’s messed up, you’ll be upset. So, just let it go and be generally miserable and you’ll be fine.”

  
Even Haruka had to smile in response to that, Nagisa was always able to brighten his mood, but Haru was still bothered by the whole thing. His voice was serious, “Do you think I should talk to him?”

  
Nagisa shook his head again, setting down his drink next to him, “You two can’t be near each other, you never should have been. Not then, not now, not ever.”

  
“What do you think about it? The breakup?”

  
Nagisa smiled weakly, “I have to say, I was surprised. I thought for sure you’d try to fix him.”

  
Haru lowered his drink onto the table by his side, and in the saddest voice Nagisa had ever heard come from Haru, “I don’t think I can fix him. At first I thought I didn’t think he could be fixed, but I honestly don’t know about that one. Nagisa, I always thought I knew Rin. I thought we were always on the same page and it was just a game, but he...I don’t know whether or not he wants to be fixed. What I do know, is that he doesn’t want it to be done by me.”

  
Nagisa winced. That was a tough one for him to respond to. He had tried to avoid being in the middle of the breakup, finally, he decided to be evasive, “Well...what else has been new with you?”

“Not much.”

“Just swimming?”

Haru shrugged, “I’m due for retirement too.”

“I thought you’d swim at least another two years. Isn’t that what your sponsors said? Even with his...situation, you’d keep swimming?”

Haru nodded slightly, “That was before the breakup though. In the water, I can only think of him. It throws off my concentration.”

“So what will you do?”

“Celebrity endorsements probably. I’ll still swim for my own amusement, but at this rate, I can’t do it competitively,” Haru sipped on his drink.

  
He had gone into his unreadable mode. In some ways, Haruka could be more challenging to read than Rin. When Haru closed himself off, even in spite of their friendship, Nagisa could not tell what he was thinking. Whatever it was, Nagisa knew this whole matter was hard for Haru.

XXX

“What is it?” Nagisa asked picking up his phone. He had been asleep, and it was almost 5 pm. He had been busy at work ever since he and Haru had gone out drinking on the day that Makoto and Haru had broken up, like they always did.

  
“I’m wasted and I want to fucking party with you,” Nagisa could barely hear him over the music, but he knew Rin well enough to know what was happening, “Haru wants to stop fucking me and I want to fuck everyone in this bar and it wouldn’t be any fun without you.”

  
So, he really did it, that surprised Nagisa. He vaguely remembered spilling the beans to Haruka about Rin the other night before everything else blacked out, and Haruka had said that he was going to break up with Rin. He was going to have to call Haruka to check in with him at some point.

  
“Come on asshole, you owe me, after all this is at least partly your fault!” Rin yelled into the phone.

  
Nagisa still sat silently. Although he could almost hear Rin roll his eyes over the phone, “I didn’t mean that and you fucking know it, just fucking come here and party with me.”

  
And Nagisa did. And the next day, when Rin was still having his first hangover ever, Nagisa was there sitting on the side of Rin’s bed. Rin groaned, “Hangovers suck.”

 

Nagisa laughed, “Yes, asshole, yes they do.”

Rin moaned, “I feel like the walking fucking dead.”

“You look like it too,” Nagisa teased.

“Some friend you are.”

Nagisa shrugged, “You’ll make it. Even though he dumped you, you’ll make it.”

“You can’t break up with someone, you’re not in a relationship with,” Rin repeated. It was his mantra after all. But, the way he said it was different, it didn’t come with his usual ease.

“Uh huh, because you’re definitely behaving like someone who solely lost a fuck buddy,” Nagisa rolled his eyes.

Rin looked away, and he was more serious this time, “I think he really means it. I wouldn’t care if it were temporary, I mean, he went with Makoto for that time, but somehow I just knew back then we’d fuck again. But like, now? Now, I think he really never wants to fucking see me again. I think he wants us to just go our separate ways and pretend like we never happened.”

Nagisa sighed.

“Why’d you tell him about that shit anyway?” Rin asked.

“I was drunk and I made a cruel joke,” Nagisa felt guilty, “but honestly, I figured at some point you’d have told him.”

Rin shrugged, “I probably should have. I just...I was always afraid of how he’d react I guess. Looks like I was at least right about that much.”

Nagisa winced, but he didn’t apologize.

“Well, you can go home now, I’ll live,” Rin readjusted himself in his bed. I’ll live after I spend the next week in bed.

But, Nagisa shook his head. He had wanted to put off this conversation as long as possible, but he knew that he had to have it with Rin, “There’s something else we still have to talk about.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “I know what you’re going to say.”

“Do you?”

“It’s about the fight I started. Let it go, I’ve never been so fucked up in my life.”

“We had a pact. And I am going to go find a knife and make you watch as I cut myself,” Nagisa’s words sounded serious as a heart attack and he gripped his wrist tightly.

Rin stared at him for a moment, he believed Nagisa for the time, and then, he cracked up laughing, “You - You asshole. You had me going there for a minute. That was a good one. You may not take any relationship seriously, but you are way too happy in life to do that again. I taught you that after all.”

Nagisa nodded, Rin was right, but still, he pleaded, “Really though Rin, how would you feel if I started doing that again? That’s how this feels to me.”

Rin patted Nagisa on the head, “I just wanted a distraction.”

“Are you going to let it happen again?”

Rin thought for a minute, he knew he could lie to Nagisa, and it wouldn’t matter, but he had lied to Nagisa in the past, and even as selfish as he was that never felt right, “I don’t know.”

“So, yes then?”

Rin shook his head, “I really don’t know. On nights when I can’t feel anything and I want to feel something I might do it. But other nights, nights like when I feel like I do now, where I’m just tired and worn out, probably not.”

Nagisa sighed.

“I know it’s not the answer you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth.”

It was Nagisa’s turn to pat Rin’s head as he had done so many times to the blonde, “I know that, I just worry about you. A long time ago, your sister made me promise to always watch out for you and now, I just feel a little responsible. Even you have your limits.”

Nagisa slightly expected this to piss off Rin, but surprisingly it didn’t. Rin just readjusted himself in the bed.

  
“I’m serious about the pact though,” Nagisa finally said, Rin looked at him funny, “Not like that, but I mean, we’ve been friends a long time and we’ve been through a lot. In some ways, you and I are closer than you and Haru...if you need anything, you let me know.”

  
Rin nodded.

  
Shortly after that Nagisa left, after all, Rin wasn’t his only friend that was suffering right then.

XXX

“Haruka,” Makoto and Haruka were getting coffee. In Makoto’s eyes, Haruka had lost some weight, he hadn’t been looking well lately. And Makoto blamed Rin. Albeit, he knew it wasn’t entirely Rin’s fault. Makoto had a sixth sense about these things, and he knew Rin had had a tough life, losing his father and all that, but there was no excuse for whatever he had been putting Haruka through. I don’t believe in love. Saying that alone to Haruka had been wrong. It had been cruel and Rin just never fucking stopped to consider how cruel he could be. And this all pissed off Makoto. If only I could just get Haruka out of there, then maybe I could show him how much different it would be with me.

  
Haruka sipped on his coffee. He was tired. He had a hangover from the night before, when Rin had once again made him step out of his shell, and then, gave him a few shots too many. I love when you get drunk, Haruka, you’re so fucking adorable. With Rin, it was hard to tell if he meant it or if he was making fun of Haruka, and yet, he enjoyed seeing Rin that happy. But, Rin was so hard to keep up with and to understand. Rin had done so many other things that night without Haru and they had almost no effect on Rin.

  
“You know how I feel about him,” Makoto said softly, “I want you to be happy Haruka, I really do. I just, I think I could make you so much happier. You look so damn thin now.”

  
The words barely reached Haruka.

  
But, then Makoto added, “Besides, like he said, you could fuck multiple people too.”

  
Haruka knew this would hurt Makoto if he agreed to this. If he agreed to it, even though, Makoto said that he wanted to, Makoto would get hurt. Makoto was softer than he was trying to be. But, what Makoto had just reminded Haruka of, that hurt Haruka, because Haruka knew he was right. It wouldn’t matter to Rin, if Haruka fucked Makoto, and so, he said, “Alright, let’s give this a shot then.”  
Makoto touched Haruka’s face, “I’d like it, if at some point, it were just you and me, but I can wait Haruka, I know it won’t be easy.”

  
It’s you after all, Haruka. You’re special, and it’s never easy to get special people, but I have something setup for you, that I think will be nicer than anything Rin has ever done for you, and after that, maybe just maybe, it’ll just be you and me.

  
Shortly after that, Makoto and Haruka went back to Makoto’s place, and went further than Haruka had originally intended. And for a brief moment, Haruka thought, Maybe this will be good enough.

XXX

Makoto was good enough, Haruka had decided. He was good enough and he could resist Rin. He had even told Rin that via text message. Rin didn’t reply, which hurt Haruka a bit, but the two of them were doing a private practice the next day like they always did, and Haruka was sure that at least Rin would be a little bit shaken.

  
But, when Haruka saw Rin, it wasn’t Rin who was shaken, it was Haru who was shaken. And in being shaken, it had been Haruka that had instigated what went on right beside the pool. Not that Rin hadn't egged him on, but Haruka had instigated the kiss which had led to so much more. And now, they were cuddling in the aftermath.

  
“Makoto probably wants you to solely be with him, but I’d be fine doing this on the side. I won’t tell anyone,” Rin ran a finger down Haruka’s cheek.

  
Haruka closed his eyes, “You’re so cruel Rin.”

  
“You came onto me.”

“No, but really, I have a chance at being happy here, and all you have to do is stand there looking as fucking hot as you do, and you just make me know that there’s no hope. I’ll always fucking go back to you. And as a result, I’m just as bad of a person as you.”

“That’s not nice to say, Haruka,” Rin replied, but the look in his eyes was completely unreadable to Haruka, as often was the case, “I was very jealous when I found out that you were going to be fooling around with Makoto.”

“All you would have to do is be exclusive with me, Rin, and I’d be yours, you know that,” Haruka pleaded. It would hurt Makoto if I left him, but. Rin is Rin.

Rin pressed his finger into Haru’s cheek, poking him gently, “No can do, kiddo. Love’s not real, Haruka. There’s no point in being exclusive.”

“I’m going to go back to him again then,” Haruka said defiantly.

Rin wasn’t sure what Haruka expected, but he replied, “I know.”

“I need to be serious about him.”

Rin nodded, “I told you from the start Haruka, whenever you wanted to stop fucking, we could.”

That hurt Haruka, but the effect was lost on Rin, “I know. And that’s what I’m doing.”

They did the rest of their practice without much interaction, and then, Haruka went home to Makoto who looked extra enthusiastic that day.

“I have the best news!”

Haruka felt a bit guilty about what had happened earlier as a result.

“I got one of the olympic scouts to come to your next match. They want to watch you swim, Haruka. And if they are interested, in two months when we finish school, you can go pro!”

But, Haruka didn’t share his enthusiasm. Now, Haruka felt even worse. Makoto looked out for him and Makoto had just done what was possibly the nicest thing anyone had ever done for Haruka, and

Haruka had spent his last practice fucking Rin, “I...I have to tell you something.”

“It’s about Rin right?” Makoto asked, but he was smiling to Haruka’s surprise, “I don’t want to hear it. Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care. It’s in the past Haruka, let’s just go on from right now, let’s start something right now. Let’s start something completely new.”

And for the first time, Haruka thought that he really could be serious about Makoto. And for a while, he was, but Rin never disappeared from their relationship. No matter what happened, Makoto never believed that his love was as good as whatever magnetism Haruka had with Rin. And as much as Haruka tried to convince him otherwise, deep down, Haruka had the same question.

XXX

I’m going to be serious about this thing with Makoto. I don’t want to do what happened today again, I want to be in love for real.

Rin read Haruka’s text message again and again. His thoughts went all over the place, varying from Maybe, I should just lie and say I love him to This will never last until he finally landed on one.  
“You’re a fucking moron, Haruka. There’s no such thing as love, and someday, you’ll realize that, and you’ll be back to me. You can’t love Makoto because it’s not real.”

That belief was half of what held Rin together, until the locker room.

XXX

“It was one thing when you were swimming against him again, but don't you see it? Slowly, but surely, he's getting closer and closer to you and I just don't like it,” Makoto pleaded.

“Well, what do you want me to do? Not swim today? If I don't swim today, how do you expect us to eat?” Haru asked.

Makoto shrugged, “I just don't like it. I don't like the idea of you two doing a relay together.”

“That's the only event they are letting me swim in, he just happened to get in it too. Why are you doing this today? This is like the biggest day of my life,” Haru was under a lot of pressure from the team, from his coach, and now, Makoto. Not that this fight with Makoto was new. They had this fight before his league did a practice match against Tokyo University, where Rin was the sole freshman on the team. They had this fight when Rin had called Haru up to talk about something to do with Nagisa. They had this fight when scouters started looking at the star Tokyo U freshman. They had this fight when Rin became a part time student and started swimming and training under the same people as Haru for the Olympics. They had this fight when Rin had ended up practicing during the same time schedule as Haru. And they had it when it was determined that during the Olympics, Haruka would swim freestyle in the relay with Rin. And today, on the day of his match, they were having this fight now.

“I don't want it to be the biggest day of your life. Not with him,” Makoto replied, “Haruka, can't you see, a career isn't worth this? He changes you. The way you look at him is completely different than how you look at me, and I just worry about how far you'll push yourself to stay in his league. Something is seriously off about him.”

Haru slammed a fist against his locker, “Okay fine, so I'll quit after I race, and then, what?”

“You'll quit before, and we can just go far away together. You can coach children or something. It doesn't matter, it'll just be us.”

  
“But, I've worked so hard, and I can't abandon my team,” Haru was angry. It would have been one thing if this were a new argument, but he felt like he had this conversation all the time. No matter what, he couldn't escape Rin. And what Haru said was true, he had worked hard and he was committed to his team. He performed training menu after training menu. He rarely got to do anything outside of swimming. Not that he minded that, but he certainly wasn't experiencing what most members of his generation were.

  
“I know, and I'm proud of you. So, let's just go, you could swim elsewhere with other people. You don't have to swim with or against him,” Makoto tried so hard, but he knew what the outcome would be. He could see it. Once again, he was going to lose Haru to Rin. He had been able to tell this was going to happen for awhile now, not that it made it any easier.

  
“I'm going to swim,” Haru answered. His voice was firm. He didn't want to consider it anymore. There was no question. He had to swim, he had to be in the pool with Rin. He had to feel the thrill of it. Just seeing Rin today lit a fire within him that he had never felt with Makoto and his body required Rin's touch. He felt badly about Makoto, but the fact was, there was nothing compared to swimming, and that feeling was only amplified with Rin.

  
“If you swim with him, I'm going to leave,” Makoto swore. He didn't want to, but it was written all over Haru's face. Some people never can change, Makoto thought, I've worked so hard to get him out of Rin's grasp, and yet, he doesn't want that. And until he wants that, I just have to accept it. I lose.

  
“I know,” there was an echo of sadness to it, but Haru was not going to beg Makoto to stay.

  
“Now, Haru. That's it, it's over,” Makoto hated doing this. This had to be the most painful thing ever. But, it wasn't. It was much, much more painful that Haru didn't stop him. And Haru did swim with Rin. And if that weren't bad enough, he set records with Rin. And then, the two of them were in the tabloids as being the it-swimmers. Japan's swimming heroes.  
But, Makoto was distracted while most of that happened, thanks to Rei's help.

XXX

“So, do you want to get dinner or do you just want to fuck?” Nagisa asked. He was sitting on his bed, hung over, exhausted, and he had just decided with Rin that they were going to give something a shot. About which, Nagisa was happy, because if he were alone, he'd focus on the text that Haru had sent him about finding Rei. And, Nagisa didn't want to think about Rei at all.

  
Rin smiled, “I thought we'd take it a bit slower than that, so dinner.”

  
Nagisa raised a brow, Rin never did anything slowly, and Nagisa didn't want to wait, he wanted a distraction, “I could give you some dinner.”

  
Rin was a bit taken aback, there would be a learning curve for their new relationship. After all, they had redefined roles, “We can stay in, if you want. Maybe cook together?”

  
Nagisa nodded, he'd enjoy that and then after that, would come something he'd enjoy more. Rin left Nagisa alone to go get ready for their dinner. Nagisa checked his phone, Haru had texted him that Makoto had come to see him, but there were no updates. They're probably busy catching up and he'll send me all the details later. Nagisa left his phone on the nightstand.

  
He went after Rin, who he saw had changed into something more formal than he had been wearing a few minutes ago. In passing, Nagisa thought, he's really treating this like a date?

  
“I thought I could make you my infamous okonomiyaki.”

  
Nagisa made a face.

  
Rin laughed, “Kidding. But, thanks for making it for me last night. Seriously though, I thought we could have ramen.”

  
Nagisa smiled at this, knowing that it was referential to their college experience. He blushed a bit and thought, perhaps this will be alright. Haru and Makoto, Rin and me. This could work out. He could forget about Rei.

  
Rin got out several different pots and pans. He started fixing all the different components the ramen. Nagisa had tried to join Rin at his Island Kitchen, but Rin had made him sit back down, “I'm treating you. You just relax.”

  
His voice was silky and smooth, and Nagisa could feel a certain amount of desire building within him, “Fine then, but I get to cover dessert.”

  
Rin smiled. A few minutes later, he laid the two bowls of shoyu ramen on the table. Nagisa had to admit, “It smells delicious. Who would have thought you knew how to cook?”

  
Rin smirked. The truth was that he learned because he wanted to prepare different fish foods for Haru, particularly, he had wanted to master Mackerel Sushi. But, saying that or anything about Haru to Nagisa now would be inappropriate.

  
Nagisa took a giant gulp, it was delicious, “This may actually be better than that stand's.”

  
“Good to know I could have a second career.”

  
Nagisa laughed, “Not that you need one. Retirement looks good on you."

  
Rin smiled, and grabbed some beer for them to drink. Yep, this felt like old times for the both of them.

  
“I've been thinking,” Nagisa started.

  
Rin continued slurping.

  
“I don't know how to tell Haru about this. I don't know if I can.”

  
Rin shrugged, “That's your problem. I haven't seen or heard from him in ages. You're the one who is still friends with him.”

  
There was a surprising lack of bitterness in Rin's voice. Nagisa asked, “Do you think he'll care?”

  
Rin shrugged, “He'll probably think you're an idiot.”

  
This earned a laugh from Nagisa, “Does that bother you?”

  
Rin fought to get a noodle at the bottom into his chopsticks. Instead of answering Nagisa, he replied, “I should have taken you out to dinner instead of agreeing with you about staying in.”

  
“Huh?”

  
“I'm not on a date with Haru, I'm supposed to be on a date with you, Nagisa, so let's stop talking about him.”

  
Nagisa chewed on the inside of his mouth. There was a small piece of egg stuck on the corner of his lip.

  
Rin exhaled, “I'm sorry. Don't pout,” and then, seeing the egg, Rin said, “Ah, here, let me.”

  
Rin reached to take the egg off of Nagisa's lips, but when his hand touched Nagisa's cheek, his thumb rested on Nagisa's pink lips. Nagisa looked up at him. Rin leaned in and kissed him. Nagisa looked surprised, but he let himself into the kiss.

  
So far, he thought, Rin was nothing special.

  
But, Nagisa was wrong. Rin had already worked his other hand and unbuttoned Nagisa's pants. Until Nagisa stood up with Rin to move it from the dining table to Rin's couch, Nagisa had no idea that Rin had unzipped them. The pair moved to the couch after Rin had removed Nagisa's boxers exposing his hard dick.

  
Nagisa sat on the couch and Rin played with him. Rin stroked him a bit, and teased him with his tongue. Nagisa moaned. So this is what you used to get all the time, huh, Haru?

  
Rin licked behind Nagisa's balls a bit, and under each of them, causing Nagisa to groan. Oh shit, he's a god with his mouth. No fucking wonder Haru was obsessed.

  
Rin licked between Nagisa's balls, and around the bottom of the shaft. He's playing with me, teasing me, Nagisa thought, and he's fucking incredible at it.

  
And then, without warning, Rin opened his mouth and full-on deep throated Nagisa. Nagisa's head hit the back of the couch barely missing the wall. He moaned very loudly. Rin wanted to smile, he felt himself get hard too, listening to Nagisa, but he was busy showing off. Rin tongued Nagisa's tip, and slipped his tongue in it a bit tasting his pre-cum and causing him to moan. Nagisa gripped the couch tightly, “R-Ri-Rin, augh.”

  
Rin took his mouth off of Nagisa's dick, and pumped it with his hand instead.

  
“Rin,” Nagisa panted raising his head to look at Rin, “I wanna - Please...”

  
Rin shook his head, but kept using both of his hands to play with Nagisa.

  
“So-so mean.”

  
“This is all you're gonna get for now,” Rin smirked, and went back to licking and sucking on Nagisa's dick.

  
Nagisa lowered his head back onto the back of the couch, “Fuck, ah, Rin!”

  
Nagisa slipped one of his hands onto Rin's head and ran his fingers through Rin's hair. His hair was so soft, and Rin seemed to enjoy having Nagisa play with it.

  
Rin pulled back, “You're gonna cum soon, Nagisa.”

  
Nagisa furrowed his brow, “No, I'm not.”

  
Nagisa prided himself on good control and -

  
Suddenly, he felt it. Rin had changed pace. He worked around Nagisa's thighs, balls, everything with his hands, and with his mouth, his tongue work and the speed and precision at which Rin was switching between deep-throating him and teasing him, made Nagisa feel himself on the edge.

  
“H-how?” Nagisa moaned.

  
But, Rin kept working on him.

  
“Ah! Fuck, Rin, you're fucking incredible. I'm gonna ah- I'm gonna cum, Rin, I'm gonna cum in your mouth!” He groaned. Nagisa was euphoric and as he said it, he began to shudder and orgasm. He came much more than he usually did. Rin practically sucked it out of him. Rin let each sputter hit the back of his throat. He swallowed it, which pleased Nagisa, and Nagisa fell back onto the couch. His back was drenched with sweat. It hadn't felt like very long, but Rin had managed to get him.

  
Rin looked arrogant and smirked at Nagisa, “I told you, you were gonna cum.”

  
Nagisa closed his eyes, he couldn't even argue. He couldn't even stand up to get his boxers, “You have an unfairly good mouth. Not much makes me cum that intensely and that quickly.”  
Rin kissed Nagisa's forehead, “I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.”

  
So that's what fucking a god's mouth feels like, Nagisa thought. When he could finally stand again, he told Rin he was going to shower.

XXX

Rin laid in his bed looking at the ceiling. He couldn't believe what he had walked in on Nagisa doing the other day. If I hadn't been there, what could have happened?

  
He looked at his hand, it still stung from when he swung it across Nagisa's face. He hadn't meant to do that and he never wanted to do that again. His thoughts went back to Nagisa. He had promised not to talk about it or tell anyone, but how could he do that? He liked Nagisa a lot, but he wasn't Nagisa's best friend or anything.

Rin realized he was going to have to call Haru. He frowned. He still did swim training, and he was the star freshman on the Tokyo University team. And, Tokyo University sports were basically on the level of the professional circuit. He had swum against Haru as a result, in these sort of events, but they mostly avoided each other. After all, Makoto had convinced Haruka to start to date him. Not that Rin had really minded. He had been jealous at first, but it was so obvious back then that Haruka still wanted him. And yet, after what happened, Haruka still went back to Makoto and, broke it off with Rin. On the one hand, Rin didn't expect Haruka and Makoto to last, but he wanted Haru to come back to him, not the other way around. Rin didn't grovel.

  
Still, he knew that he had to talk to him. He had to see him for Nagisa. Rin groaned a bit. He sent a quick Facebook message to Haru.

XXX

Haru frowned. On the one hand, he didn't want to have to tell Makoto that he had received a facebook message from Rin, but on the other hand, he knew that if he didn't tell him, that Makoto could potentially find out and if he did, it would be a much bigger deal.

  
“Makoto,” he called out.

  
Makoto came out of the kitchen, he had been into baking lately. He went through hobbies relatively frequently, mostly he spent his time figuring out how to spend his time because Haru seemed to be busy with training all the time. He was currently baking a cake, but there were at least a few minutes before it needed his attention again, “What is it?”

  
“I received a facebook message from Rin,” Haru said softly. As quickly as the words came out of his mouth he felt embarrassed, “I'm going to delete it, but I just wanted you to know.”

  
Makoto's expression darkened, “No, you should open it.”

  
Haru looked surprised.

  
Makoto expected it to be a typical Rin game and that maybe he could show Haru how manipulative and bad for him Rin truly was. Haru said, “O-okay.”

  
“I wanna read it.”

 

Haru nodded, slightly regretting his decision to be open with Makoto. He opened the document.

  
Hey, I know you don't want to see each other anymore, but I need to talk to you about something. It's about Nagisa. Can you come to the Tokyo U cafe tomorrow?

  
“See, he's trying to get you back into his life again, as I expected,” Makoto said, and he headed back to the kitchen.

  
But, Haruka replied, “But, he says it's about Nagisa. What if it's important? What if Nagisa is in trouble?”

  
Makoto frowned, perhaps he should have just had Haru delete it without opening it, “Fine. We'll go together.”

  
Haru sighed. This was not going to be fun. Makoto and Rin at the same table never went particularly well.

  
Okay. 2?

  
Sure.

  
See you then.

XXX

Rin was early. He normally wasn't the sort of person who was late, but he wasn't usually particularly early either. And yet, the prospect of meeting Haru had made him nervous and as a result, he went to the cafe early. He had ordered a hot chocolate with whip cream as it was a relatively rare thing in coffee shops in Tokyo, and those that had it, tended to make crappy ones. Surprisingly, the one at Tokyo University's cafe was pretty damn good. He sipped on it. He had found a small table that would be good for Haru and him, it was in a relatively secluded part of the cafe, meaning that they could talk without so many ears listening.

  
Rin was watching the outside world, waiting for Haru to come in. He saw Haru out the window and took a deep breath in. And then he saw, Makoto, behind Haru. This perturbed Rin a bit. Why'd you bring, him, Haru? He wondered. He imagined that Makoto had probably insisted.

  
The pair entered the cafe and Haru's eyes fell onto Rin. There was a certain light that appeared in them which hadn't been there before, but Rin was sure that he would deny it, if Rin pointed it out.  
They bought croissants and some fruit and water and joined Rin. Rin had to roll his eyes about the croissants. He knew that in Haru's current circuit, he did some traveling to Europe and that Makoto went with him, and Rin was sure that Makoto thought that they were being oh so cultured. Haru took the seat across from Rin, and Makoto grabbed another chair and slid in between them. Rin did his best not to smirk about how obvious it was that Makoto was insecure, but it did annoy him, “Did you have to bring him?”

  
Haru looked at Makoto. Makoto simply said, “I don't see what the problem is.”

  
“Are you really so insecure that you can't possibly trust Haru to see me by himself about something that has utterly nothing to do with your relationship?” Then, Rin smirked, “Although, I guess I can get it. If he looked that bored next to me, I'd probably be scared too.”

  
Makoto didn't rise to Rin's bait and instead turned to Haruka, “As I expected, he's just fucking with you, Haru. This probably wasn't about Nagisa at all, he just wanted to-”

  
But, to Rin and Makoto's surprise Haru interrupted him, “Why did you want to meet?”

  
Haru sounded cold and distant, but his body obviously was reacting to seeing Rin. Rin sighed, “I'm worried about Nagisa.”

  
“Why does that concern Haruka?” Makoto asked, trying to keep distance between the two of them.

  
Rin rolled his eyes, “You know what? This is bullshit. Haruka,” Rin intentionally used Haru's full name, “I’m not going to have a moderator for our conversation. Just fucking give Nagisa a call once in awhile, okay? I'll fucking deal with it myself. I didn't realize this was going to be some big event.”

  
Makoto shook his head, “It's because you always have to make it one.”

  
Rin stood up and grabbed his hot chocolate, “Really, this wasn't about us. I'm worried about Nagisa, and you should be too, Haruka. And as for you Makoto, he's your friend too, or used to be, it wouldn't hurt for you to check in on him too.”

  
With that he left. Haruka grimaced, he knew that this was going to cause a big fight with Makoto. As for Makoto, he shook with anger. How did Rin do it? How did he manage to always get Haruka to do whatever he fucking wanted?

XXX

Rin shifted uncomfortably, the two boys had been making out a lot lately, and that had been amazing. Rin had planned on going to take it farther with Haru, but Haru had recently said that he had never done anything like that, and he was nervous. Rin said that they didn't have to, but then today, Haru asked a certain question that was difficult for Rin to answer.

  
“I told you I hadn't been with anyone, but you -” Haru paused, “you have, haven't you?”

  
Rin looked away, finally, he said, “Nitori, my first time. Then, once in awhile with some other people.”

  
Haru's eyes widened and he felt jealousy bubble up inside of him. He wasn't a big fan of Nitori to begin with, because Nitori got to be close to Rin when Rin was in boarding school, and this made that worse. A whole lot worse. “S-still?”

  
“I told you, Haru, I'd fuck other people. You could too. If it upsets you, we don't have to...”

  
Haru's brow furrowed, he hated this. He agreed to it, but he hated it. He wanted Rin to be his and his alone. But, there were times when Rin was so distant that he may as well have been back in Australia. Finally, Haru shook his head, “I want to be with you, I want to do this with you, and I'm okay if you fuck other people, but...not anyone we know, okay?”

  
Rin's nose twitched a bit, but he shrugged, “Okay, that's fair. I won't fuck Nitori again.”

  
Haru nodded, but he still had questions. He wanted to be the most important person to Rin, he wanted to be the only person for Rin, and if he didn't fuck Rin soon, then maybe Rin would get bored of him. That thought scared him, “Will you tell me about it?”

  
Rin winced a bit, that didn't seem like a good conversation to have with Haru, but the look in Haru's eyes begged him to. Rin sighed. He finally asked, “What do you want to know?”

  
Haru blushed, “Who...who did what?”

  
Rin chewed on his inner cheek, Rin spoke uncharacteristically quietly, “He fucked me.”

  
This had surprised Haru. He thought for sure that the answer would have been different, “Why did you guys...”

  
“I was having a bad day, and he was trying to comfort me and it just happened.”

  
“But, it was your first -”

  
Rin interrupted him coldly, “It's just a first time, Haru, it's not like it matters. It's just sex.”

  
It matters to me, Haru thought sadly. He couldn't help but be jealous. He had known Rin was more active than him, but he wanted Rin to only have him and only want him, “I-Okay, I wanna do it.”

  
Rin eyed him carefully, “Are you sure?”

  
Haru nodded, and it was true. He wanted to make Rin want him, “How...how should we?” Haru was embarrassed to ask such a question, but he simply didn't know.

  
Rin eyed the dark haired man, “I wanna do you. And when you're comfortable, I want you to take me, Haru.”

  
Haru nodded slowly feeling himself harden at the thought of being inside of Rin. He was nervous though, still. His hands were in fists on his bed. His heart was pumping. But, when Rin leaned in to kiss him, he relaxed.

XXX

“You can come in the bath, if you want,” Haru offered. It was certainly big enough for two.

  
Makoto hesitated. Haru was so comfortable with him, it almost felt like he was acting as though nothing had ever gone wrong between the two of them.

  
Haru shrugged, “Was just offering. We can go sit in the living room.”

  
Haru stepped out of the tub and was of course wearing a swimsuit. Makoto could not help but feel an ounce disappointed. What exactly do I want from him? Haru turned off the jets and drained the tub. He grabbed a towel, and led Makoto to his living room. The living room was western style and so, they sat on a large couch.

  
“So, tell me why you're here, why you wanted to see me, and what happened with Rin,” Makoto said flatly.

  
“I'm here because you're here,” Haru replied, “and I had to see you. I've wanted to see you and talk to you since the day of my debut. I was really mad at you that day, the fact that you left right before I had to swim made me mad.”

  
“Not that it affected your time,” Makoto spat.

  
This surprised Haru, he hadn't expected Makoto to have kept up with his career. In fact, the day Haru debuted had registered one of his best speeds ever. He set records. Haru lowered his eyes, he kept his voice even, “I suppose not.”

  
Makoto let out a sigh, he didn't meant to be so rude to Haru. It had been a long time since Makoto had broken up with him. It may have been a bit unfair to still be this bitter. But he couldn't be blamed, Haru was here. Haru's presence was affecting his life. Still, Makoto wasn't here to discuss his break up with Haru. Makoto was here to understand what Haru's being here meant for their future.

  
“Anyway, shortly after you left, I...” he paused, looking for the right word, “reconnected with Rin. But, around that time, I started having nightmares.”  
Makoto's interest was peaked.

  
“I had nightmares about you. And so, I spent a long time looking for you. You couldn't be found though. Who would have thought, you really weren't that far from home? I figured you were off in another country.”

  
Makoto smiled at this, he had enjoyed Europe, when he had gone alongside Haru, who went there for training, but it was too expensive for him to go live there.

  
“Anyway, the nightmare was always the same and I couldn't stand it, and I felt so guilty. So, when Nagisa found you, I knew I had to see you.”

  
“Nagisa visited a long time ago though,” it hadn't been that long, but it was at least a few months.

  
Haru sighed, “He made me earn your number.”

 

Makoto smirked, “What?”

  
“He didn't give it to me for eight weeks and he still didn't want me to come here,” Haru replied.

  
Makoto raised a brow.

Haru explained, “He felt badly about what happened between him and Rei. Said I would only hurt you again.”

Makoto nodded, he was still getting used to being in the quiet position in their relationship, but he wanted to let Haru explain himself while he processed the information.

“Anyway, I thought maybe if I saw you, you'd be happy and the nightmares would stop.”

Makoto said, “I see. And?”

“And they haven't,” Haru answered.

“What are they about?” Makoto asked.

“You drown and die in the ocean and it's my fault. I make you swim in it and you get all tangled up. Usually I wake up before you die, but not always,” Haru explained. He was craving tea, but he wanted to speak until Makoto was content.

“I see,” was all Makoto said, “And, what about Rin?”

Haru sighed. That was the long part. He asked, “What about him?”

The question may have sounded snarky, but it wasn't intended to be. There was just a lot he could say about Rin, and he didn't know what exactly Makoto wanted to know. And he preferred to avoid discussing Rin with Makoto, as much as possible at least.

“Why'd it end?” Makoto asked, “Or at least, I assume it's over.”

“It's over,” Haru confirmed, “And it will be forever.”

This surprised Makoto, “Is he dead?”

Haru raised a brow.

“Sorry, maybe that was rude, I just... I never thought you'd end it with him permanently. I always figured if that happened, he'd have to have died of an overdose or something,” that sounded pretty bad, Makoto realized, but it was true. Rin lived a life on the edge, and that came at a price. Also, the thought that Haru could ever believe that his relationship with Rin was permanently over, indicated to Makoto that Rin had to be dead.

Haru nodded acknowledging that, “Yeah. He's not dead. At least, as far as I know. He's still friends with Nagisa. I think they last saw each other a month or so ago. I dunno, they may be hanging out now. I haven't seen Rin since we broke up, but they tend to hang out when I'm busy or away.”

Makoto nodded, “And why exactly did you break up?”

“That's a complicated story,” Haru answered. And it was, Haru wasn't the best guy in the story either, “Basically, I guess, after you left, Rin and I realized we hated each other. And so, we spent our lives making each other miserable, but we had no one else and so, we kept falling into each other and hurting each other. Eventually, something happened which caused me to evaluate what we were to each other. As part of that, I did something which was misinterpreted by Rin, and of course, Rin was Rin about that, but while Rin was being Rin, Nagisa let something slip that changed the entire scenario. So, when Rin sobered up, that was the end.”

That was the very abridged version at least. Haru had said it all very fast, his thought was that maybe if he said it all quickly, Makoto wouldn't ask for any more of the details, but things are never that easy.

XXX

They finished the race. It went absolutely amazingly, and Haru remembered instantly why he fucking wanted Rin so much. He remembered why it was not the same with Makoto. Not that losing Makoto hadn't hurt, but Rin was right there in the lane near him, and so fucking sexy. There was something about being in the water with him that was absolutely electric. They each had their own private locker room, but Haru followed Rin to his.

Rin eyed him suspiciously, “You do know this is my locker room, right? I'm the rookie, but it does say 'Rin' on the door. What are you doing in here?”

Haru shut the door behind him without a word.

Rin smirked, and the wheels began to turn, he purred, “That was one of our best times, you know? Record setting. As to be expected of a relay featuring you and me.”

Haru still didn't say anything, he looked at Rin like he wanted to eat him. And he did want to, but these things were best enjoyed slowly.

Rin smiled, “I noticed Makoto wasn't in the crowd. He dumped you, didn't he? Bet he was jealous of how fucking horny you get swimming with me.”

“Shut up,” Haru replied, but it was true. Haru wanted Rin, now. Slowly, he reminded himself.

Rin raised his eyebrows. Haru walked over to him and pushed his lips against Rin's. Rin closed his eyes and accepted the kiss. When Haru pulled back, Rin asked, “Suppose I had said 'no'?”

“You could never say 'no' to me,” Haru breathed out.

Rin's lips curved upward.

Haru stared at him for a moment. The kiss had been fantastic, and yet, there was something wrong with how he was feeling. What was it? What could be wrong with kissing Rin after how long he had to  wait for this?

This isn't love, he realized, suddenly. He hadn't loved Makoto, Makoto was just Makoto. He thought he had loved Rin, but he didn't love Rin either. But, he did feel something strong for Rin, “Do you remember when you got me high for the first time?”

  
Rin nodded slowly.

  
“Remember how you fucked me bare for the first time and then, I told you that I loved you and you said fucking nothing back?”

  
Rin continued to nod wondering, Where is he going with this?

“I was wrong. You were right.”

Rin raised a brow.

“Love's not real, Rin. It doesn't exist. I didn't love you. I didn't know what love was. I still don't. Because I still don't love you.”

Strangely, that hurt Rin a bit. Even after all this time, Haru was special to him. Not that love was a word in Rin's vocabulary.

“No,” Haru said, his voice devoid of emotion, “It's hate. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much.”

Rin smirked.

“Don't smirk at me, I'm dead serious. I seriously fucking hate you. You ruin everything for me, Makoto is perfect for me. He's nice to me. He loves me. He cares about me. But, he's so fucking boring. And I thought that it was because I loved you that I found him boring by comparison. That it was my fault that I couldn't love him like I loved you. But it's not that at all. It's cause I hate you, and I can't hate Makoto. But, it's the hate that means I can't get rid of you either. And so, I can't stop going back to you. My hatred for you is so fucking strong that it draws me to you. You suck me in and you fuck me up and I fucking keep doing this with you and it makes me hate you more. I hate you so, so fucking much. It's not love at all that makes me go back to you, it's hate. We're tied together by hate.”

“Yeah?” Rin asked eyes burning. He was the one who always told Haru that love wasn't real. He was the one that had to spend years waiting while Haru was in a relationship, “I hate you too, Haru. I hate you so fucking much, you have no idea.”

“Yeah, you might hate me. But, not as much as I hate you. But, you'll hate me more and more as it goes on. Cause it's my turn to mess you up,” Haru said and he leaned down to lick Rin's neck.

The look in his eyes almost scared Rin, but it was Haru, “Yeah? What makes you so sure? You're a little bitch, Haru. You may be a good swimmer, but you're fucking mesmerized by me. You can't even begin to hurt me. You don't hate me. You don't know what hate is.”

“Shut the fuck up, Rin, just shut up. Everything I feel is hate, Rin. I definitely hate you.”

Rin closed his eyes.

“Now, I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you're gonna cry,” and with that Haru started to bite Rin's neck.

Rin exhaled. Haru was biting him forcefully. Rin groaned a bit, “Gently, Haru.”

“Shut up,” Haru bit harder.

Rin winced and leaned against the locker, he had no idea what was going on with Haru, but damn if he wasn't going to enjoy it.

XXX

Nagisa came out of the shower with just a towel on. He expected for Rin to at least check him out. But, Rin just stared at the ceiling.

“You okay?” Nagisa asked.

Rin looked at him, he looked hurt. He sat up on the bed, and tossed Nagisa's cell phone at him. Nagisa looked glanced at it, there were a lot of texts from Haruka. Texts that Nagisa guessed were about Makoto's visit. Nagisa felt himself get a bit angry, “I thought you were serious about giving me a chance.”

Rin stared at him. His face was blank.

Nagisa glared back, “What? Say it. Say you're gonna go running straight back to Haruka now that you know where he is, right? And you're gonna fuck up his chance with Makoto? What a fucking surprise.”

Rin shook his head. Finally, he said, “It wouldn't stop buzzing. I figured it was Haruka, and at first, I just ignored it, but it wouldn't stop. I started to think maybe something had happened to him and that he needed you. Like, he was in the hospital or something. I was going to give it to you, but I wanted to check first that he was okay, so you didn’t worry. He's fine, by the way. He's with Makoto talking about his past with me or whatever.”

Nagisa started to say something, but Rin didn't allow him to, “But, that's not why I'm mad. That didn't bother me. I already knew he was with Makoto. What made me mad was seeing the text you got from him this morning.”

Nagisa's expression changed.

Rin winced, “Yeah. Here I was thinking maybe you actually wanted to give this a shot with me, but I was wrong, wasn't I? You were lonely cause Haru went off with Makoto, so you sent me a text last night. And we had a good time. Like we always do, even when shit is rough, you and I always have a good time. It was all good until, I went to bed, and you got this text, and it pissed you off. So, earlier, when I asked you if you wanted to go out, and you said 'yes', I thought it was because you really wanted to date me. It wasn't though, was it? I'm bummed out about Haruka, I won't deny that. But, he's moving on, as he has been for almost a year now, and I’ve got to grow the fuck up too. But, you, Nagisa, you never moved on from Rei, did you? When were you going to tell me, you just wanted to use me for an easy fuck because you were too afraid to face your past?”

“It's not like that -” Nagisa started.

“Yeah, yeah it is. And you have to go see him. This doesn't have any chance of working until you do. I’m not even sure if our friendship can,” Rin sighed. He was mad. He was mad because he was supposed to be Nagisa’s best friend, and Nagisa was only using him. If he had been honest with me, I’d probably have been okay with it, but this was not okay.

This comment surprised Nagisa, I should have talked to him.

Rin continued, “I’m not going to let you let this chance slip by. Because I feel differently than I did back when we were in college. I think now that if you see him again, you can move on. It won’t tear you apart. And maybe, you and I can give it a shot, if you even want that at all. I'm sure you need closure now,” Rin sighed. Seems like I've finally grown up a bit and started doing the right thing, Haruka. Too bad it's too late for it to be with you though.

Nagisa shook his head, “I don't want to see him.”

“But you have to, and if you protest too much, I'll drag you there myself.”

Nagisa's expression became serious, “I guess you're right. I should get closure.”

“Good.”

Nagisa expressed a moment of slight weakness, “Will you go with me?”

Rin nodded.

“But, you're not allowed to see Haru while we are there,” Nagisa was surprised that this came out of his mouth. Was this for Haru’s benefit with Makoto? Or could it be that he wanted Rin for himself?

“Don't want to.”

Nagisa was surprised how easily and sincerely Rin agreed to that. Maybe, just maybe, Rin was really serious about this. In that case, it's me fucking this up, he thought. Suddenly, he badly wanted to hold Rin. But Rin felt so far away from him, and he knew that was because he needed to see Rei.

XXX

Rin sat at the sole bar in the entire town alone. He was bored. This was why he hated the country. In the country, there was nothing to fucking do. No crazy parties with stoned celebrities. No second rate lingerie models to do coke with. No escapes. Just a lame ass dive bar. Not that he didn't appreciate a good dive bar, but this one was dead. Even the alcohol in the countryside seemed boring somehow. Although the guys in the bar were decent looking, they were sure to bore him. Fucking Nagisa. Not that it was a surprise, he knew it was a possibility that - no. More than that. He knew it was likely that when Nagisa finally actually talked to Rei, they'd be butt buddies again.

  
And so, Rin sat alone at the bar drinking. The bartender was pretty damn cute, but he was obviously straight, so Rin didn't bother hitting on him. Rin just sat there bored. Bored and tipsy. The bartender seemed a little concerned about Rin, “If you keep drinking, how are you going to get safely home?” he had asked Rin earlier, when Rin was only on his third drink. Only.

  
“It's the fucking countryside, what's the worst that could happen to me?” Rin asked snorting into his glass. The guy had to concede, and so, he poured the next one for Rin on the house.

  
The door to the bar opened, but Rin didn't turn to see who it was. It was sure to be someone boring.

  
It wasn't though.

  
The man sat on a stool next to the one next to Rin, and ordered a melon drink. This made Rin turn to face the guy. He only knew one man who ever ordered melon drinks after all, and that man had the same quiet voice as the one sitting near Rin.

  
Sure enough, the voice he had heard belonged to Haruka. Haruka, who Rin had not seen in what seemed like forever, was now sitting less than two feet away from him. Rin bit his lip. Maybe there are some benefits to the countryside.

  
Haruka seemed to notice Rin staring. He turned and faced Rin. He looked mildly surprised that the red hair had in fact belonged to Rin, and then, his expression got more serious. He was annoyed. He was annoyed because he was thinking about his conversation with Makoto earlier. Makoto had made him relive their break-up and it brought back all the emotion. And even though it had been forever, looking at Rin now, he was sure he wasn't in love with him anymore, but it was still hard to be by him, “Of course, you're at the bar. There's one good bar in this entire town and you're here. Some people never change, I guess,” the last part was flippant.

  
Rin just stared at him and nursed his Jameson and Ginger.

  
Haru continued, his annoyance shifted into anger, “Is there anywhere in the fucking universe where I can simply be away from you without any drama?"

No response.

“Well, Rin, how are you planning on fucking up my life tonight?”

“Whatever,” Rin took another sip the ice in his drink clanged.

Haruka shook his head. Exasperation, that was what he was feeling.

“Say whatever you want, Haruka, you're just an illusion to me.”

Haru looked a bit puzzled by this. For one thing, Rin used his full first name rather than calling him Haru, which was unusual. Additionally, he had been expecting Rin to get into it with him, but Rin didn't. Rin continued, “Apparently, in spite of what I thought, the bartender was in fact not watering down these last few drinks,” Rin winked at the bartender, “I'm drunk enough to hallucinate my past ghosts. Guess that means it's time for my check, please.”

The bartender brought it to him after giving Haru his melon drink. Haru shifted a bit uncomfortably. It had been a long, long time since he had seen Rin and he sure as hell didn't expect him to be here in the country. Did he come with Nagisa? And if he’s here to see me, why is he getting his check? He never would have expected Rin to walk away from a possible chance of hooking up with Haru. Would Haru be able to turn him down if he offered? Had it been a while ago, Rin would have at least bought Haru a drink, right? Or argued with him? Or flirted? Or something? Why wasn't he now?  
Rin paid and grabbed his coat. He started for the door.

“Wait,” Haru said, the word came out of his mouth faster than he could stop it, but Rin looked good, and it was Rin. Maybe we can be adults about this, “Stop. Don't leave. Let's catch up. Stay and have another drink? I shouldn't have started...” his voice drifted off.

Rin said nothing. Rin stared at him. Haru enjoyed Rin's stare more than he cared to admit. He knew what Rin was thinking. Rin was thinking about how good he looked. And he liked Rin thinking that.

Rin stared at Haru for a good, solid minute. Rin watched Haru's lips, his cute cheeks, his toned body, and his ass for a full minute. In spite of having been out of the circuit for almost a year now, Haru still took good care of his body.

It made Rin want to stay and to reclaim Haru at the end of the night. He wanted to get Haru good and drunk, and he wanted to remind Haru how stupid he was to end it. He wanted to make Haru beg him for it. Then, he wanted Haru to take him.

Haru could see the wheels turning in Rin's mind, yep, Haru thought, he definitely still wants me.

But, to his surprise, Rin exhaled and shut it down, “I don't drink with ghosts. If I had even the slightest idea you might go to this bar tonight, I wouldn't have come.”

And then Rin was gone. Not another word. Haru was in shock. Rin had never turned him down. Never. And Haru didn't enjoy being turned down, not a single bit. Not even if he was going after Makoto now. Haru never wanted Rin to be able to turn him down.

A younger man spoke to Haru, “That your ex? He's fucking sexy. I wouldn't have ever let him leave my bed.”

Haru frowned and sipped his drink.

XXX

The next part of the story was not going to be easy for Haruka to tell Makoto. Not that any of it had been particularly easy, but this part was not easy for Haruka to handle. It had gotten better as time had gone on, but his breakup with Rin had been difficult for him. And as a result, he hadn't been looking forward to talking about it.

“I think we both knew the fighting would end someday, it had to. Rin and I hated each other and we spent our time trying to make each other miserable for awhile, but I thought we both were on the same page,” Haru looked for the right words to explain it. Luckily, Makoto asked questions which helped him explain.

Makoto nodded, “You were attracted to him which led to our breakup.”

Haruka agreed.

“And took out my breakup with you on him, and so, he started to hate you too? And you made each other miserable over time? And that's what ultimately led to your breakup?” Makoto asked.

  
Haru replied, “That's what I thought, but I was wrong. I thought swimming both pulled us together and drew us apart at the same time while we were in high school, since we were so competitive. But, I was wrong. I was wrong about it all, and when I realized how wrong I had been, I stepped back and I saw what we were doing to each other, and that's when I had to break up with him.”

  
Makoto still looked puzzled, and it became clear to Haruka that the only way to do this properly was unfortunately going to be to tell the specific events that led up to their breakup.

  
“Okay, well, let's just back up about three years, so four years after you broke up with me. At that point, Rin and I were getting more and more into the ways in which we harassed each other. I suppose for me, it was easy, because all I had to do was beat him at swimming, that was enough to hurt him. And I guess it was easy for him too, because all he had to do was fuck someone or say love wasn’t real, and that was enough to hurt me. Neither of us took it particularly seriously from our perspectives, but we used it as a way to get under each other's skin.”

  
“Rin never stopped sleeping with other people?” Makoto asked. This surprised him. He knew that when they were in high school, Rin never committed physically or emotionally to Haruka, but he had expected at least the physical part to be something that Rin would outgrow. Especially, seeing as he had been given what was essentially a second chance with Haruka.

  
Haruka inhaled deeply, “He did, but the first time I swam against him and won, I rubbed it in, and he was less than pleased with that. It didn't help that our coach benched him for a couple of practices afterwards and I basically embarrassed him in front of everyone. Anyway, after that, he told me that I was right and that he did hate me, but that he would show me that his hatred was better, and it started this behavior.

  
“I'd beat Rin in a practice and show him up, he'd fuck someone else for awhile, then I'd fuck him, then I'd beat him again, then he'd fuck someone else. It was a giant cycle. There were some understood rules though similar to high school.”

  
“Rules?” Makoto asked, he had never fully known the context of Haruka's high school relationship with Rin, just that it had been unusual.

  
Haruka sighed, “He never did it with anyone in my bed. He never did it with certain people. He never did it on certain days.”

  
“Certain days?”

  
“Yeah, like birthdays, holidays, we had something of an understanding that we never messed with each other during those times. I didn't give him a hard time then either. It wasn't explicit or anything. But, that went on for years.”

  
Makoto nodded, “Until?”

  
“Until the things that we did to each other got to be a lot worse for the other.”

XXX

“Look who's been benched again, what is this, the fourth practice in a row?” Haruka smirked.

  
Rin glared at him. The difference in their abilities had always been something that Rin had struggled with, but lately it seemed to be growing. They were both getting older, but it was becoming apparent that Rin was going to have to retire before Haruka. And Rin didn't like that thought.

  
The pressure was immense for him. There were tons of different coaches all with different criticisms for his style, all telling him to just be more like Haruka. And if it weren't bad enough to be told it that by his coaches, there was Haruka waiting to lay it on thick. At some point, the pressure broke him. He had stopped doing drugs when he was scouted from Tokyo University, but he had never stopped drinking, and his drinking got a lot worse. More drinking meant less swimming which meant more drinking.

  
It got worse and worse, until eventually, Rin decided that he wanted to take a break from his life for a bit. He thought of how free he felt back when he used to get stoned and it wasn't like it was hard for him to get any of that stuff. Nor was it like he could beat Haruka anyway, so what was the point of protecting his body?

  
At some point, at a bar somewhere in Tokyo, some guy offered him a line and he took it. And it felt, fucking incredible. At first, he told himself that he could do these things just once in awhile to take the edge off of his training.

  
Although most people around Rin could tell that something was off about Rin after he started using again, they couldn't figure out what it was. His swimming was fine for the most part though, so they left his strange moods alone. It didn't take Haruka too long to figure out that Rin was using again though. Not that Haruka knew what to do about it. Rin managed to perform well enough, and it wasn't like he was doing the kinds of drugs that people would test them for as athletes. And so, Haruka let it go. Until the day that their trainer spoke to Haruka one on one.

  
“Haruka, I want to talk to you about something after practice. Would you come to my office after you get changed? Rin, you're free to go for today,” the coach had said and then, he left.

  
Haruka smirked at Rin, “I bet he's gonna tell me that I'm swimming in the next match.”

Rin rolled his eyes.

“Let me guess what you're gonna go do, find the nearest bar?”

Rin narrowed his eyes.

“Maybe if you practiced more, you could actually stand a chance. You're pathetic you know that right? You were never able to swim on my level, but now, you're not even close to me anymore.”

“Shut the fuck up, Haruka,” and Rin walked off to his locker room.

“See you at home.”

“Don't wait up, asshole.”

Haruka went to his own locker room, showered and changed. Then, Haruka walked over to the coach's office. But, the coach didn't want to talk to him about a new menu, he wanted to talk to him about Rin.

“What can I do for you?” Haruka asked.

The coach closed his eyes, this was not easy for him, “I want to talk to you about Rin.”

Haruka raised his eyebrows.

“It took me awhile to figure it out. But, and I'm sure you've noticed, there's been a change in Rin recently.

“A long time ago, I had a friend who,” he looked for the right words, “had similar issues focusing himself. We were very competitive with each other. And, I messed up. See, I knew that he had some problems, but I made the mistake of thinking that he could handle them. Or, if he couldn't, that wasn't my fault. And so, I failed to get him the help that I needed to in time. And, as a result, he didn't make it. I've never forgiven myself for my own responsibility in that...”

Haruka was taken aback. He thought about Rin. Was this at least partly my fault? Haru wondered. I've pushed him, and he pushed me and yet...

This was how Haruka began to re-evaluate their relationship. Their coach continued, “Ultimately, there's a decision you have to make here, Haruka. And that's how you want to proceed with this. I have to kick him off the team.”

Haruka's eyes widened.

“I know, and I want you to keep competing. But, I think that it is you who should break the news to him.”

“Me?” Haruka asked.

“Maybe, you can help him see that it would be better for him to just retire. And mostly, maybe you can help him get the help he needs,” the coach's voice was solemn.

Haruka closed his eyes, this was going to be a serious conversation. Rin had never handled serious well, and lately, he'd been particularly difficult.

XXX

Haruka found Rin in the bar. It was his usual place near to where they had to practice. Rin was letting a younger guy do a body shot off of him. He saw Haruka enter, but he didn't put a stop to it.

Haruka sighed, he ordered himself a drink and as he got closer to Rin, he said, "We have to talk."

Rin rolled his eyes but patted on the head of the younger man, "Up you go. Gotta talk to this guy for a bit. I'll be back to you soon enough."

The younger boy went off somewhere, and Haruka kept a cold, serious face, "Like I said, we have to talk."

Rin rolled his eyes, "I know you got picked and let me guess, I'm benched."

"It's more than that," Haruka slowly sipped his drink. Rin noticed that Haru had ordered a whiskey. Haru never drank hard liquor.

Rin shrugged, "What is it?"

"You're going to be kicked off the team," it wasn't the most diplomatic way to put it, but this conversation was already not going the way that Haruka wanted it to. He kept staring at Rin's exposed belly. He kept thinking about the look on the younger guy’s face who had been licking Rin’s belly.

"What?!" Rin exclaimed. He nearly dropped his drink.

  
Haru nodded, "You should retire instead. That's what the coach wanted me to tell you. He wants me to get you help...and I think, we should."

  
Rin was suddenly very defensive, "You and the coach decided this about me together? You made the decision to throw me off the team Haru? Wow. Wow, that is fucked up, Haru. We give each other a tough time, but this is a whole new level of low."

  
"I think you need help Rin-" Haru was being sincere.

  
But, Rin didn't hear him anymore. Rin no longer heard help at all or anything else from Haru. He heard Haru doing the worst possible thing that Haru could have ever done. He heard Haru taking him out of the pool and killing the hobby they had shared since they were children. He heard Haruka effectively killing off what they had in common. He heard Haruka doing the meanest possible thing that could ever happen to him, "I was wrong. Your hatred was so much stronger than I ever could have expected. I can't believe you did this Haru."

  
"It's to help you-"

  
"Just get the fuck away from me Haru. Just leave me alone!"

  
"No, I'm taking you home."

"You're not my boyfriend, Haru, and you're obviously not my friend, or you wouldn't have made sure we couldn't swim together again. Seriously, how the fuck could you? I don't want your help. I don't want anything from you. Get the fuck away from me."

"We can still swim together,” but Rin was shaking his head, Haruka continued, “Rin, we can do this right," Haru sipped more on the whiskey. Be strong, "I'm gonna sit here until you're ready to go home. You can go grab your little friend and fuck him in the bathroom for all I care and I'll still be here. And then, when you are ready to go home, I will take care of you, and you can retire, we can get you help and then, then, we can continue swimming, in our pool, together,” This would have to work Haruka thought.

Rin heard none of it though, "Fine, if you're not leaving, then I am," and with that, Rin was gone. Haru tried to go after him, but Rin didn't want to be found.

XXX

“I want to get him help, and put him in a program,” Haru said. He had called up Nagisa after Rin had run off. Perhaps Nagisa could help him convince Rin to go into a program. They had all the money in the world, they could find the best, “but he's such an ass. He'll never just listen to me. He already thinks this was some game to me and that I'm just trying to fuck with him. He ran off in the middle of our talk. So fucking mature.”

  
“Well, if you want Rin to obey you that bad, you could always hit him,” Nagisa laughed sardonically and hiccuped into his drink. They were sitting in their bar in Hiroo, but instead of being in one of the back rooms, they were at the counter. Nagisa had a rough week at work and was cutting loose. He never got this drunk around Haruka. He was fucked up.

  
“What?” Haruka looked at him strangely.

  
“Sorry, I had too much to drink,” he burped and knew he was soon going to throw up, “I didn't mean it and it was wrong of me. You don't have to get all protective.”

  
Haruka was still confused, “What are you talking about?”

  
Nagisa rolled his eyes, Nagisa continued to sip on his drink, “Oh come on, you know what I'm talking about and I apologized. Let it go.”

  
“No, no, I don't know what you're talking about.”

“He never told you?” Nagisa asked, “I mean, I know he didn't in college, but you guys have been together now like what, five years not including high school?”

“Nagisa. What. Are. You. Talking. About?” Haruka demanded.

Nagisa winced, he wasn't supposed to tell Haruka, but it was too late now, and his lips were loosened by the liquor, “When his Dad died, his Mom started to beat the shit out of him. I guess cause he looked like his Dad or something? His long hair and the color? Anyway, that's why he left and went to Australia and then, when she made him move back home, he went to boarding school. Y'know, to keep some distance from his Mom.

“But, then, when you guys started your relation-whatever. He switched to public school which he went to for you, Haru, but I guess she made it hell at home for him. Didn't you ever wonder where he got all those little scars? Can't believe he never told you,” Nagisa snorted into his cup. Rin was a fucking mystery, even to Nagisa.

Haru's eyes widened. Conversations with Rin flew through his head.

  
_'Where did you get that scar?'_  
 _'Practice.'_  
 _..._  
 _'Yeah...Let's go to your place, Haru.'_  
 _'You never let me go to your apartment.'_  
 _'Y-You can't.'_  
 _'Why not?'_  
 _'Let's-Let's just go to your place today.'_  
 _..._  
 _'My Mom's not gonna be home today, so if you wanna come over... You can.'_  
 _..._  
 _'Why do you do that to your body? I don't understand.'_  
 _'I take them because then I don't feel anything. It's fun, you should try it, Haru. I bet you'd feel fucking incredible.'_  
 _…_  
 _'I'm thinking about cutting and dying my hair.'_  
 _'No! I-I like it the way it is.'_  
 _'Oh. If it's what you want, I'll keep it, then.'_  
 _'Good. Keep it.'_  
 _…_  
 _'I can't wait to go to college. I wanna be as far from this stupid place as possible.'_  
 _I thought it was me you wanted to get away from._  
 _…_  
 _'I can't believe you cried cause you lost.'_  
 _'What's wrong with crying?'_  
 _'Seriously, Rin? Only little bitches cry.'_  
 _…_  
 _‘Love isn’t real, Haruka.’_  
 _‘You don’t honestly believe that.’_  
 _‘It’s the truth. There’s no such thing as love. I thought you finally figured that out when you came onto me in my locker room. There’s only hate and pain.’_  
 _..._  
 _Only little bitches cry_  
 _…_  
 _Love isn’t real_  
 _..._  
 _Practice_  
 _…_  
 _Only bitches cry_  
 _…_  
 _Love isn’t real_  
 _..._  
 _Practice_  
 _…_  
 _bitch_  
 _…_  
 _Practice_  
 _..._  
How could I have not seen it? How did he not tell me? Why didn't he trust me? Why didn't he talk to me? But, Haruka knew why and that hurt. This was his fault. This was all his fault. For a while there was silence between the boys. A part of Nagisa felt a bit badly about telling Haruka, but mainly, he was too drunk to fully appreciate what he had done.

  
Finally, Haru said, “I have to break up with him.”

  
“What?” Nagisa asked. That came out of left field.

  
“I have to. He…He doesn't know how to be in a relationship and he never will. He's supposed to trust me, to believe in me, and I had no idea. He never thought I could help him. And he never will. I did this to him partly. I always thought he was just an ass, but he...he...oh god...” Haruka felt sick, to be by me he let her...And I was no better to him. Instead of showing him real love, I...this whole time, what the fuck have we been doing? What the fuck have I been doing to him?

  
“S'not your fault.”

  
“But, I...” Maybe if you practiced more, you could actually stand a chance. You're pathetic you know that right? You were never able to swim on my level, but now, you're not even close, “I have to go home and see if he is there.”

  
“Whatever,” Nagisa slumped onto the counter.

XXX

“Oh, Haru. Welcome home! So, good to see you. Since you fucking destroyed our other hobby together, I thought we could have a new one.”

  
Haru looked at his bed, this was his apartment, and apparently, Rin had decided to bring Nitori to it and fuck him. If he hadn't been sure that it was time to end things with Rin, this would have definitely pushed him closer to there.

  
“Get out,” Haru said to Nitori.

  
Rin waved a hand and commanded Nitori, “No, no. Stay.”

  
Then he turned and spoke to Haru, “You see, I was thinking, I was like, I like swimming and that's all fucked up. What else do I like that would hurt you as much as you hurt me today? And then I was like I like fucking and Haru hates when I fuck other people. But, you know what else I realized? That wasn't mean enough. I fuck other people all the time.

  
“So I was like, how can I fuck Haru's day as much as he fucked up mine? And then, I knew! All I had to do was call up, ’Tori. But, after I was balls deep, I realized this wasn't fair. Swimming was our hobby, we did it together. But, we can't fuck ’Tori together. Well, we can, but I already did,” Rin laughed, but then he continued, “Then it hit me, you could fuck him too. I asked him if he'd mind. He said no. So, go ahead Haru, fuck ’Tori, I don't fucking care. I don't care about anything,” he burst out laughing, he was some combination of drunk and high.

  
“It wasn't like today was particularly good for me either,” Haru said. His expression was empty.

  
Rin nodded, “I know. Today's the anniversary of the last time you saw, Makoto. The day we swam our relay together and you fucked me in my locker room. I guess that sort of makes it the anniversary of us fucking each other's lives up. Doesn’t it? Happy Hate-versary! How was your little whine fest with Nagisa?”

  
Drunk, high, whatever Rin was, was bad enough, but Haruka did not want to do this in front of Nitori, “Please get out.”

  
Nitori rolled his eyes, but started to walk away, “Your boyfriend's so boring. I don't know why you let him be by you so long.”

  
“S'not my boyfriend. I don't have boyfriends. You know that, ’Tori.”

  
Haru eyed Rin thoughtfully. Nitori laughed and shut the door behind him, leaving Haru's apartment, Nitori had obviously been on something too, but it was nothing compared to the level that Rin was at right then.

  
“What's with that fucking look, Haru? Are you sad cause I broke our rules? Does it hurt? Cause it's nothing compared to what you did to me today.”

  
Haru furrowed a brow, “Let's just put you to bed, okay?”

  
“Nothing?! Are you fucking kidding me? I fucked Nitori, who you hate, who you specifically asked me to never fuck, in your bed, on a day that always makes you sad and nothing?!” Rin snorted, “you really don't give a single shit about me, do you?”

  
Haru ignored Rin's attempts to incite an argument and instead asked, “Rin, did you ever love me? Ever?”

  
Rin rolled his eyes, “No such thing, Haru.”

  
Haru knew Rin would reply with that, but it made him even sadder than it used to. A different type of sadder, because for once, when Rin said it, Haruka honestly believed Rin felt that way. Rin continued, “It's something people tell themselves because we're all alone in the end. The only way to be connected is to fuck someone, so c'mere and fuck me. It is our hate-versary after all.”  
“Not gonna fuck you, it's time for bed,” and Haru tucked Rin in to his bed. He'd deal with the breaking up when Rin was sober enough to remember it.

  
Rin’s buzz wore off and he sobbed a bit as he came down from the high, and Haru ran his fingers through Rin's hair. Then, Rin passed out.

XXX

Haru brought Rin breakfast in bed. Even though, Rin had slept most of the day, it was the morning for him.

  
“Wow, breakfast in bed. I thought you'd get pissed at me over what happened with Nitori. That or you'd go on and on about my partying,” Rin was surprised.

Haru said nothing.

“Ah, so you are mad. Go ahead, lecture me,” Rin nibbled on the eggs.

“We need to talk.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “Didn't we do enough of that yesterday, when you told me that I needed to quit the team and get my shit together?”

“We need to break up, Rin.”

Rin started to drop his fork, but quickly recovered it, “You can't break up with someone you're not in a relationship with. We can stop fucking if that's what you want. I've told you since the high school, Haru, we could stop anytime you wanted. We have in the past,” he was referring to when Haru had tried being with Makoto.

“It's more than that,” Haru was firm, “we need to be out of each other's lives.”

“Are you that mad that I started using again? And that I fucked Nitori here?”

Haru sat on the bed, “No.”

“Then, what?”

“You and I, we, don't work.”

“You're just figuring that out? Aren't you the one who always wanted more than just whatever this is?”

Haru didn't answer, instead he blurted, “How could you not tell me about your Mom?! In all these fucking years?”

Rin made a puzzled expression, trying to determine how Haru figured it out. Finally, he realized, “Nagisa can't hold his alcohol worth a shit, can he?” Seeing Haru's expression though, he added, “S'not like it matters anymore.”

Haru didn't smile or smirk or anything, “Oh, but it does.”

Rin raised a brow.

“I always thought someday we'd stop fucking with each other and just be happy. Rin, that day, in the locker room, when I told you I hated you, it was a lie. I lied to you. I've loved you since the minute I met you, but you-”

“Love doesn't exist, Haru.”

“It does, Rin,” Haru put a hand on Rin's cheek. It had been a long time since he had made a truly romantic and gentle gesture towards Rin, and the softness of it seemed to catch Rin off-guard, “And it's partly my fault that you're this way. If only, I'd seen the full picture back then, maybe I could have been different and we could have done this right. But, I didn't. And you refused to talk to me. And that's just how we are. We don't communicate, and so, we hurt each other. We let everything get bottled up, and now -”

“Now, it's all coming apart.”

Haru nodded.

“So, what does this mean?” Rin asked.

“It means we live our lives. Separately.”

“You're really serious about this?”

“I've been fucking up a long time, Rin, and so have you, but now, now I have to stop. I have to do the right thing.”

Rin frowned, “And that means, no more...”

Haru nodded.

Rin thought in passing, so this is what a hangover feels like.

XXX

“So, Rin was essentially playing a different game than you? That's why you didn't work out?”

“No, see, I thought we were playing games and eventually, I don't know, we'd get old and settle down. But, I don't think Rin was playing a game at all, I think Rin really believes that love and pain are the same thing and that what we were doing was how it was supposed to work. And when I realized that, I couldn't do it any more. It was too sad.”

“But, why do you think it's over permanently?”

“Because he can't be changed. Not by me at least.”

Makoto was surprised, “I would have expected you to try to fix him.”

“Nagisa said the same thing. But,” he closed his eyes, “some things I can't fix.”

“Is that what you think I think of us?” Makoto asked.

Haru nodded, “I'm sorry for what I did, Makoto.”

Makoto didn't reply to that. He still had some questions about Rin, “Have you seen him since then?”

“No.”

“So, you have no idea what he's doing now?” Makoto asked.

Haru shook his head, “Nagisa mentions him once in awhile, but other than that, no.”

“Do you worry about him?”

He did, but he also knew it was futile, “Rin will be Rin.”

Makoto went over the conversation in his head. Makoto was tired, he had visited Haruka at what was early in the morning, and now, having heard the whole story took him well to mid-morning, “I appreciate you doing this. I really do, and I do forgive you for back then, so you shouldn't have any nightmares. It's not exactly like I was blame free. But, I need to process. I need to think about this, and until I'm ready to talk with you about it, I'd appreciate if you would let me be.”

  
Haru nodded slowly. He wanted Makoto to forgive him and things to go back to normal between the two of them, but the latter would take time and he knew that.

XXX

Rin and Nagisa were sitting on the Shinkansen going to the countryside town where Nagisa had been only two and a half months before. Nagisa was asleep on Rin’s shoulder, but Rin was wide awake. He ordered a drink and some snacks for the train ride, and was nibbling on those. The pair were sitting in the green car, in first class seats. As Rin was sipping on his drink, his thoughts were about what would happen next. His plan was to take Nagisa to Rei and then, what? He figured he’d just have to head back to the hotel, but that could be so damn boring. I’ll probably spend the whole time in the bar. Nagisa is going to fucking hit it off with Rei, Haru must have known that or he wouldn’t have sent that fucking text. So, then what am I doing here? Am I going to cause some scene with Makoto and Haru? What would be the point? He dumped me.

  
A small voice in the back of his head replied, You’re going because you’re Nagisa’s best friend and this is the right thing to do. Just stay away from Haru and before you know it, you’ll be back in Tokyo. Remember what you promised yourself. Even if you realized you love Haru, it doesn’t matter. It’s selfish to do anything about it. Haru deserves better than you, he deserves a chance with Makoto. So, just get through this and get back to Tokyo. Hell, if Nagisa and Rei do work out, maybe it’ll finally be time to leave Japan.

  
He shut his eyes, they had a long ride to go, may as well relax for as much of it as he could.

XXX

When they arrived in the town, their first stop was to their hotel. Even though Nagisa had figured out that Rei was the owner of one of the nicest ryokan in the area, and Rin was more than willing to oblige, they both decided that it would be better to stay in the small business hotel that Nagisa had stayed in during his original visit. Just in case things with Rei went south as Nagisa was sure was going to happen, they’d have their own place to stay.

  
After dropping off their bags, they headed for Rei’s ryokan.

  
“Do you think he knows I’d come looking for him?” Nagisa was behaving different than Rin had seen him behave in a long time. He was much more on the edge and much more nervous.  
It made Rin a bit sad, but ultimately, Rin found it cute, “I think you’ll surprise him.”

  
“Will you come in with me?”

  
Rin frowned, he wanted to be as supportive as possible for Nagisa, but he and Rei had not exactly been known for getting along, “I’ll take you there, but I think it’d be best if just the two of you talked. I’m sure that it’ll all work out after that.”

And, Rin meant it, which surprised Nagisa. Nagisa was not as sure as Rin about what to expect. Since Rei, there had been no one in the world that filled the void. It was one thing to fool around with Rin, but he never expected that to be as serious as what he had with Rei. Although, if after all these years, things with Rei went as south as they had the last time that Nagisa had seen him, he knew he could at least have some happiness with Rin. Haruka could be with Makoto, and Nagisa with Rin. After all, like Rin said, no matter what they always had fun, “Thank you. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

  
“You’re the most important person in my life.”

  
This also surprised Nagisa, “But, what about -”

  
“He’s not in my life anymore, you know that,” Rin continued, “I don’t care about what happens between you and Rei. If it goes great, that’s fine with me, if it goes horribly, I’ll kick his ass. I just want you to be happy.”

  
Rin patted Nagisa on the back. The pair were standing now in front of Rei’s ryokan. Nagisa smiled, “Thanks Rin. And for the record, I want you to be happy too. Even if this goes well, you’re still my best friend.”

  
“Even better than Haruka?”

  
Nagisa shuddered a bit, hearing Rin call Haru, Haruka, always caught him a tad off guard, but he nodded, “Yeah. It’s just different.”

  
“I agree. Now quit stalling and get your ass in there.”

  
Nagisa went inside and Rin turned his heels and headed back for the hotel. He spent a long while inside of it, but when he had run out of ways to entertain himself, he headed for the bar which was recommended in the hotel guide. After all, Nagisa had sent him a text telling him that he didn’t have to stay up waiting for him, and things were going great.

XXX

Rei had been having a rather bad day. He knew from the text that Makoto had sent him, that he had decided on talking to Haruka. This wasn’t a complete surprise, after all, Haruka undeniable for Makoto, especially after all these years. Not that it didn’t make Rei upset. Haruka’s presence which had apparently been brought upon by Nagisa generally upset Rei. A part of him always regretted not going to see Nagisa or not going to talk to Haruka afterwards, and perhaps, now was that chance. He’d have to apologize to Haruka for how he behaved the other day, but maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to see the blonde again.

  
Rei had not yet heard from Makoto about what exactly was said, Makoto simply told him that he was tired, he wouldn’t be in the store today, and that he was heading home. Rei planned to stop by his apartment later on.

Right now though, Rei was standing in the ryokan kitchen, cleaning dinner plates and getting ready for the night shift. New guests would be coming in soon, and while he didn’t need to work, he tried his best to always greet and get to spend time with everyone who stayed there. After all, these were things that helped family business survive.

  
Nagisa walked inside and found the place to be utterly beautifully decorated. It was somehow modern and yet classic. He walked into the dining room, and the server sat him down at a table. He told the server that he was here to see the owner, that the owner was an old friend of his.

  
When the new server found Rei inside the kitchen, an old friend, he had expected the man to be Makoto, inspite of the fact that the server swore it wasn’t Makoto. Rei couldn’t think of any other old friends. Perhaps, Haruka came to me?

  
But, when he stepped out of the kitchen and into the dining room, Rei couldn’t believe his eyes. Sitting at the table was a blonde, a blonde who had once meant the world to him. No, who still meant the world to him.

  
Nagisa looked at Rei and then lowered his gaze. He remembered immediately why he never found anyone as appealing as Rei. Not even Rin could compare with Rei’s looks in Nagisa’s mind. And upon just a glance, he was thrust back into the past when he had to tell Rei that he was going to go to Tokyo University. He felt overcome by the guilt.

  
Rei came over to the table and sat down beside Nagisa. Nagisa said nothing, there were too many things that he wanted to say, but he wanted the words he chose to be perfect. And that left him without any.

  
“I’m surprised to see you here,” Rei began.

Nagisa raised a brow, “It’s hard to believe that a few months ago, I was so close to you and somehow still didn’t run into you.”

Rei nodded.

“I wasn’t sure, if I should come, to tell you the truth, but then, a friend of mine ensured that I had to.”

“Haruka?”

Nagisa shook his head, “Rin.”

Rei narrowed his eyes.

Nagisa winced, “I want to apologize for what happened when I went to college. I...I should have kept you more up involved in my application process and I should have been more open with you about it all. Included you more…”

Rei frowned, “That was a long time ago, Nagisa.”

“Yeah, I guess it probably doesn’t matter to you anymore,” he was sipping now on the tea that the server had brought him.

Rei thought perhaps he was being too cold. Nagisa had come a long way to talk, and he had waited years to talk to Nagisa, “It hurt a lot when you went to Tokyo. It hurt more when you had such a blast in Tokyo -”

Nagisa cut him off with a snort, “Had a blast?! You’re kidding, right?”

  
“What are you talking about - you used to always post all the great things that Rin and you were doing and you posted all those photos of different places you went around the city. You two went to a shitton of bars, you were just two peas in a pod.”

  
Nagisa shook his head, “Rin practically bullied me into posting what I put up on the internet. He dragged me everywhere to get me to smile,” Nagisa thought back, “By sophomore year I was a bit better, but I was miserable my freshman year.”

  
“What?” This surprised Rei. He and Nagisa hadn’t spoken, and all he had ever seen were things that Nagisa posted, but could it have been that Nagisa was just as miserable as he had been?

  
Nagisa fiddled with his wrist a bit. This was a nervous habit of his that he had mostly stopped, but being around Rei and the fact that Rei had thought that he had been happy without him, had made it come back. Finally, he thrust the wrist across the table at Rei. All he said was, “I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy without you at all.”

  
Rei examined it and then, looked back at Nagisa. He started to say something, but it was Nagisa who went first, “When Haruka had his big match, I thought...I thought maybe we could talk. But, you never showed up. Rei, it may look healed, and I may look fine, but this whole time, I’ve been so damn alone.”

  
“I thought you were happy without me. I...I’ve been miserable the whole time, Nagisa. There was no one who was ever you, and frankly, I’ve been ready to settle.”

  
Nagisa smiled, he had been feeling the same way lately after all. But, Rei continued, “I went to Tokyo. I really did, I didn’t stay, but I went. I went because I wanted to show you how much better off I was without you. But, in reality, I wasn’t.”

  
“You were in Tokyo?”

  
“For Haruka’s match. I actually went to Shinjuku when I was there. I think I saw you across the train tracks -”

  
“I thought that was a hallucination. I had no idea you actually came,” Nagisa was in a bit of shock.

  
“What?”

  
“I saw you too, but I saw you everywhere back then. Well, by that point it was a little less, it was much worse when I first went to Tokyo. I saw you everywhere I went, I heard your voice in my head, every day,” to fill the silence he added, “but it wasn’t actually you, of course.”

Finally, Rei spoke, “I’m sorry. I thought when you left, that it was you abandoning me, but I think maybe I abandoned you.”

Nagisa shook his head, “We were both idiots.”

Rei was afraid to ask his next question, but it slipped out, “Will you stay here awhile?”

“As long as you want me to,” Nagisa’s voice was silky. In spite of the troubles he had been through, the years had not hurt his looks.

“I don’t want you to go back to Tokyo.”

“Then, I won’t.”

For something that spent so long being put off, and had sat for such a long time, it was surprisingly easy for them to untangle, when they were finally able to just talk.

XXX

Rin found himself walking over to Makoto’s cafe. Not to talk to Makoto, not to talk to Haruka, he had pretty well shut that down last night, but to say goodbye to Nagisa.  
He opened the door to Makoto’s cafe, after smirking about the name, and found the four of them sitting there. This made him immediately regret his decision to go inside. He stood awkwardly by the door. Haruka looked at him, and then, clearly, he debated about what to do. He seemed to remember that he was trying to win back Makoto, and so, he decided to pretend as though he saw no one.

Makoto took note of all of this, but didn’t say anything. Nagisa excused himself from the table and went to Rin. The pair stepped outside.

“I’m gonna go back to Tokyo.”

“I’m surprised, you don’t look completely crazy over seeing Haruka,” something about Nagisa was different. He was genuinely happier than Rin thought he had ever seen Nagisa and that made Rin smile.

Rin patted him on the head, “I saw Haruka last night in the dive bar here actually.”

Nagisa’s eyes widened.

Rin shrugged, “Nothing happened. He tried to pick a fight and I left. Really. Had I known he was going to be there, I wouldn’t have gone there. I did promise you that after all.”

Nagisa smiled at this and felt a tad guilty about what had happened with him and Rei. Seeing the look on his face, Rin continued, “Haruka and I are done, Nagisa, and I’m happy for him. I’m happy for all of you, actually, I just don’t get along well with the countryside.”

Nagisa nodded, listening carefully, and then, he said, “Don’t do anything too stupid okay? Remember your limits there.”

“I’m thinking about starting somewhere new. Maybe America?”

“What made you pick there?” Nagisa was surprised, he wasn’t sure if Rin had ever been to America, even while he had been an Olympian.

“Home of New York City, the alleged greatest city in the world. I’m starting to outgrow Tokyo bars. Who knows. We’ll see, but we’ll keep in touch,” he couldn’t believe how happy Nagisa seemed. He was so happy that Rin couldn’t even be mad about how it all turned out, nor could he regret dragging Nagisa here.

The door to the cafe opened again, and it was Rei. Nagisa spoke to him, “Oh, I’ll be back in a second, just saying goodbye for now.”

  
“I’m actually here to talk to Rin.”

This surprised both Nagisa and Rin. Rei cleared his throat, and Nagisa went back inside after giving Rin a hug. Rei surprised Rin when he came over, “Thank you for taking care of him, back then.”  
Rin eyed him suspiciously.

“I’m being sincere. Really. If he had died back then, I-I’m not sure what I would have done. But, more than that, thank you for bringing him here,” Rei bowed to Rin.

Rin shrugged, “Don’t be so formal. It’s no big deal. He means a lot to me. If you hurt him, well...don’t. Just don’t. I’ve never seen him so happy.”

“I won’t,” Rei promised. Then, with his head he motioned indoors, “One more thing. Thank you for letting that go.”

Rei was of course referring to Haruka and Makoto. Rin nodded awkwardly. He felt uncomfortable being here, he had solely come to say goodbye to Nagisa and now, for the second time in such a short period after such a long time, he was being forced to look at Haruka. And worse, the last time Haruka had been alone, this time, Rin knew he was leaving Haruka to go off and be happy with Makoto. Even though, he had known when he saw Haruka in the bar that when he walked away there was really going to be no chance for the two of them, the feeling was different then than how it felt now. Last night, there was at least some distance between the reality and what was right in front of Rin’s face. Now, it just seemed like, everyone else got their happily ever after except Rin. Not that this was a new feeling for Rin.

Rin waved it all away though, it didn’t matter, soon he’d be back in Tokyo and even though he wouldn’t have happiness, there were plenty of distractions. And when he got bored with those, he had plenty of money to find more distractions in other parts of the world.

“It was good to see you again.”

Rei nodded.

“I’ve got to catch a train,” Rin took a last glance at Haruka through the window and left.

XXX

When everyone was gone, Haruka and Makoto sat together in the cafe. This was going to be their new life. Rin was gone, going back to Tokyo and Haruka would stay here with Makoto and with Nagisa and Rei. It had been a long road, but this was it. Makoto had let Haruka come to their breakfast as a foursome, and soon enough, Makoto would agree to try again, and it would be the four of them forever. Haruka sipped on his coffee. They had been sitting in silence, and Makoto had said nothing about Rin, but suddenly he did.

  
“You know you still love him, right?” Makoto asked.

  
Haru looked at him with surprise, “No.”

“Haru, I don't think you know how to live without loving him.”

“There's no point though.”

“That's not the same as no.”

“But I -”

“I appreciate this. I really do, and I do forgive you for back then, and it's not like I was exactly in the clear either. But, there's not going to be a you and me. And, I'm happy you came here, because I know that for sure now. We can be friends though. But, I…I made the right choice back then. This thing that you have with Rin, it’s never going to be over, not until one of you die.”

“So, friends then?” Haruka asked, he could work with that. He knew it was over with him and Rin, and eventually, Makoto would be sure to see that too.

“Friends. I have more work to do, you should call up Nagisa and see how he’s doing. Hear all about how he and Rei got back together,” Makoto turned his attention back to his shop.

And Haruka went to find Nagisa.

XXX

“So, you and Haruka are done now, huh? Guess that means we can get high and fuck as often as we want.”

Rin looked at the younger man. Rin was leaning against the headboard and he was stoned, but something about all of this felt wrong. He had been trying to avoid what Haruka had said, he had been doing anything to avoid what Haruka had said. But, everyone seemed to want something from him and Nitori was no different, “We have to stop this.”

“What? Why?”

“I just...I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Nitori rolled his eyes, “You’ve been such a bore for such a long time, Rin. When you called me that night, I thought you were back to your old self. Your fun self. But, ever since you switched to public school, back when we were in high school, you changed. Haruka changed you and you’ve been a bore ever since.”  
Rin lifted his head and lowered it back against the headboard, “I know what you mean. And I’m sorry for that. Really, I think in another universe, you and I were probably made for each other. We’re both fucked up.”

“That’s not nice to say.”

  
“It’s true though. But, Nitori, I can’t do this shit with you anymore. I’ve got to be a better person.”

  
“Why? Are you going to win Haruka back?” Nitori rolled his eyes and reached for the bag of coke. He set up another line.

  
“No. I’ve fucked up too much to get him back. He needs to just be free of me.”

  
“Then, why stop this?” He leaned over and inhaled the line, and then, he shook a bit feeling the high.

  
“We’re bad people. And when we’re together, we’re even worse.”

  
Nitori’s expression changed, “You know, you really are boring Rin.”

  
“I know.”

  
Nitori leaned over and he touched Rin’s face, the same way that Haruka had when he broke Rin’s heart, “When you get weak enough though, you’ll call me. You always do. I was your first after all. That’s why you called me and fucked me when you were mad at him. And since Haruka’s out of the picture, you can do that any time now.”

  
“Not going to anymore. This is the last time.”

  
“Yeah, we’ll see.”

  
And the two of them passed out on Rin’s bed. But when morning came, Rin threw him out. Once and for all. And although it didn’t change any of the rest of his behavior, Rin hoped that somewhere in the world, if Haruka had known about this, he’d be proud. But, Rin knew it was selfish to even think such a thing.

  
I’m such an asshole.

XXX

The two of them were sitting at the dive bar where Haruka had seen Rin the night before. It had been a long, long couple of days and so much had happened. It was nice to be able to unwind with Nagisa in the early afternoon.

 

“I’m surprised you let Rin go like that.”

  
“Why? After all the shit you made me do to get Makoto’s number? You must have known I was serious about him. Not that he thinks so, he still thinks I’m in love with Rin.”

  
“Given how, um, good he is…”

  
“Huh?” Haru turned to look at Nagisa.

  
Nagisa let out a big sigh, “Don’t be mad.”

  
Haruka narrowed his eyes, “What?”

  
“I...haven’t told you the full story of why I came here to see Rei.”

  
“It’s because I sent you the text, isn’t it? Proving, by the way, that I was right.”

  
Nagisa frowned, “That’s only part of it.”

  
“What’s the other part?”

  
“Rin made me come here.”

  
“For me?”

  
Nagisa shook his head, “No. I made him promise not to see you given what we were about to start doing...”

  
This made Haruka raise his brows. Perhaps that had been why Rin had walked away from him, “What you were going to start doing?”

  
“It started the other night...Rin and I went out to a bar and...well…”

The wheels in Haruka’s mind started to turn and he took notice of Nagisa’s embarrassed expression, “Please, please, tell me you didn’t sleep with him. Please.”

“I didn’t sleep with him,” Nagisa’s voice was quiet, “but…”

Haruka gave him a look that urged him to continue, “But?”

Nagisa took a big swallow of his drink, “He sort of kind of gave me a bj.”

“What?” was all Haruka could manage. He knew that Rin would be sexually active, even he had been, and he knew that Rin had probably fucked Nitori a few times since they broke up, hell, they probably were still fucking, but fooling around with Nagisa? What the fuck, Rin?

“I know, I know. It wasn’t a cool bro move on my part, and I was actually going to have to figure out how to tell you, but then, I decided it didn’t matter, because of Rei, but I just -” Nagisa spoke very quickly.

Haru motioned for him to slow down, “Start at the beginning.”

Nagisa nodded, but all the words spilled out, “He told me he loved you, he got really drunk, he started a fight like he’s been doing again lately, and he flirted with me like usual, but then, when he got sober, he seemed serious about moving on from you. Had to do with you and Makoto, and I...I just wanted to get my mind off what you had texted me about Rei. I didn’t want to come here, I didn’t want to see Rei, but when Rin found out that I had used him as an escape, he wasn’t happy. That’s why he came...it wasn’t to see you. I even made him promise not to see you. And he did promise, he even seemed sincere about it. I thought maybe if you and Makoto were happy, and if I could just see Rei one last time, maybe Rin and I could try something out, I mean he and I have been very good friends a long time, but I swear it doesn’t matter now.”

“Nagisa, you just said a whole lot of things, many of which don’t make sense to me. You’re going to have to explain a lot of them, what is this about Rin starting fights?” Haru rubbed his temples.

Nagisa bit his lip, “Yeah, I guess you probably never knew about that. Um, Rin and I had a pact, see um, when I was a freshman, I had a problem and so did he.”

Haru furrowed his brow. For the second time, recently, Nagisa revealed the marks on his wrist to someone, and what Haruka saw made him frown, “I guess you can figure out what my problem was...well, anyway...Rin...He...he had a problem too. He used to mess with people, to get them to fight him, and then, he’d intentionally lose. Basically, h - he wanted to get hit. This is all how I learned about his problems at home.”

“I...I remember him wanting to see me about you back then...that’s how you and I became close friends again. I was...with Makoto at the time,” Haruka thought back to the time in the Tokyo University cafe when Rin had been so strange about Nagisa. So, it really was about Nagisa back then, huh, Rin?

Nagisa nodded slowly, “Yeah...anyway, about our pact…”

The conversation went on for awhile, until they circled back to the blow job. Haruka frowned, “So, Rin gave you head?”

Nagisa nodded, “It’s not like you two were together and besides like I said, I’ve got Rei and it really doesn’t matter.”

But, Haruka was still scowling.

Nagisa sighed, “At the very least don’t be mad at him about it. Please, don’t be mad at him. If you’re going to be mad, be mad at me. He had no intention of telling you or having you find out. It wasn’t about him making you jeal -”

“Why are you telling me this?” Haru growled.

“Because I finally get it. I get what you found so magical about him.”

Haru wrinkled his nose, “It was more than the physical bullshit you pulled. I loved him and apparently, from what you say, he really did love me too. Not that he ever told me.”

Nagisa concealed a smile, but Haruka was smarter.

“So, what is your game here, Nagisa? Why are you telling me all of this?”

“Because we’re drinking and hanging out and catching up. I tell you everything,” Nagisa didn’t miss a beat.

Haruka shook his head, “You knew this all would upset me, and make me want to run and get the next train to Tokyo. Is he doing that right now? Is he picking a fight right now?”

Nagisa shrugged, “Possibly. He’s probably feeling particularly lonely since he’s going to be the only one of us back in Tokyo. He lost you and now, he probably feels like he lost me. He even said something about moving to America at the cafe...”

“Tell me,” Haruka growled, “who exactly do you want me to be with, Nagisa? You wouldn’t give me Makoto’s number because you thought I’d hurt him, then, you decided to do that. I get here, I make progress with Makoto and you seem genuinely happy for me about that over the phone. Then you appear here, and now, you’re toying with me about Rin, who apparently you fooled around with.”

  
Nagisa shrugged, “I want you to be happy, Haruka. And, I knew you’d hurt Makoto, hell, I knew you’d hurt Makoto because even if I had nothing to do with it, at some point down the line, you’d remember that there’s no one in the world for you except Rin. It’s just like me and Rei, and what I did to Rin as a result. If we see an opportunity to have our special people, we’d trample anyone to get to them,” Nagisa wrote an address to a bar in Shinjuku on his drink napkin. He knew that Rin had been frequenting that one lately, “Here. Here’s where Rin will be tonight.”

  
“I’m not going,” Haruka was being stubborn. He felt like he was being manipulated by Nagisa. If he went, it’d defeat the purpose of what he was trying to fix with Makoto.

  
“Really? You’re the only one who can stop it, he’s probably getting bruised and blistered right now. What if he dies?” Nagisa calmly sipped on his drink.

  
Haruka took the napkin, but he asked, “Why now? Why didn’t you tell me this before? Back when we broke up? Or, hell, when you two were freshmen? If this has been going on for as long as you claim, why are you now insisting that I hurt Makoto?”

  
“I didn’t realize how much Rin had grown up until the other night. I mean, I knew he stopped fucking Nitori,” Haruka flinched at the name, but Nagisa continued, “But, he still drank. He still fought. But, when he said he loved you, that surprised me. When he was ready to be serious with me, that surprised me. All those things together with seeing how easy it was to fix me and Rei, call me a romantic.”

  
Haruka looked at the napkin, he knew what he had to do, and it seemed like sure enough Makoto was right. He was still in love with Rin. Deep down, he had known this, but he was sure he could ignore it for Makoto’s sake. But, not now.

  
“Oh, and one more reason,” Nagisa added, “I feel like I owe him a good fuck. It was a helluva bj. Rin has an incredible mouth, Haruka. The way he sucked on my balls and rubbed me, I’ve never come like that, and he swallowed every drop,” Nagisa smirked.

  
Haruka grabbed him by the collar. Nagisa raised his brows.

  
Haruka sighed. Haruka exhaled and let him go, “Sorry, I just -”

  
“It’s fine, I was being mean, but that was some reaction, Haru,” Nagisa closed his eyes, and spoke more seriously, “Haruka, I wish there were some option where all three of you could be happy. But ultimately, you know, I know, and even Makoto apparently knows, only two of you can be. It should be the two of you that it was always meant to be.”

  
“It’s going to hurt Makoto…” Haruka ran his hands over his head.

  
“But -”

  
“But, it’s Rin,” Haruka sighed, “Did he really say love?”

  
Nagisa nodded, and with that Haruka went to Tokyo.

XXX

“You wanna go?”

  
“I'm gonna kick the shit out of you! How dare you hit on my boyfriend, you little piece of shit.”

“Yeah, that's it. You know, you're only upset cause he totally went for it. He dumped you the second he laid eyes on me.”

“You don't know anything you piece of shit. He loved me. You could never understand what we had together.”

“Ha! Is that what love is? Dumping someone the second a hotter guy comes by?”

“Shut the fuck up, I'll kill you,” he punched Rin hard in the shoulder.

But, Rin was high and didn’t even feel the impact, “Is that the best you can do?”

“You like being hit?”

“Y'know, I think I used to hate it. A long time ago, but nowadays, I can't even feel anything without it hurting,” Rin looked up at the guy, “You can fuck me if you want.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I see it in your eyes, you totally would.”

“You're fucking nuts.”

“I am.”

“Fine, I'm gonna fuck you then.”

“Good.”

“No, it's gonna hurt.”

“Good.”

“You really do like pain.”

“You have anything for me to take with it?” Rin asked, lightly massaging the shoulder.

“Here, take a few of these,” he pulled a bag out of his jacket, “You'll be on top of the fucking moon.”

“We can do them together,” Rin eyed them greedily.

The man’s hands were unbuttoning Rin's pants now and Rin was about to pop the pill when -

“That's enough.”

It was unsurprising to Rin to see Haru. He wasn’t sure why his subconscious had picked now of all times to torture him, but it was nothing, an illusion. And escaping his subconscious was half of why he had gone out tonight anyway. And so, Rin ignored him and popped the pill. The guy Rin was with did not ignore Haruka, however, "Who the fuck is that?"

"Who the fuck is who?" Rin asked.

"The guy standing right fucking over there who just talked to us."

Haru did not seem to be particularly surprised or bothered by the fact that Rin was ignoring him. Rin continued, "Who are you talking about?"

"The dark haired guy. Looks like that famous swimmer you see in some commercials."

This made Rin acknowledge him, so it’s not just a ghost, "He's my ex-boyfriend."

This description surprised Haru, he opened his lips like he wanted to say something, but no words came out. The man snorted, "That's fucking hilarious. You have an ex-boyfriend."

Rin's eyes narrowed, "I'm not sure what he's doing here, but it doesn't matter. We can go back to my place if you still want to fuck."

"Don't walk away from me, Rin, I've come a long way to talk to you."

"Seems needy, no wonder you dumped him," the man said to Rin.

Rin laughed, he had started to feel some pain, but the pills seemed to be kicking in now. Better, much, much better, "Other way around."

"Huh, that's a surprise," the guy stated, “You don’t seem like the type that someone would dump. You seem more like the kind of guy who’d dump the people he was with. Or did you cheat one too many times?”

Rin smirked. He was too high to give much of a fuck.

Haru, however, did not take kindly to being ignored, and he took even less kindly to the bruises that he could see all along Rin's arms. Before he knew what he was doing, he found himself knocking the guy to the ground. Rin was dumbfounded and even Haruka stared at the motionless body on the ground.

“Holy shit, Haruka, what the hell? You just fucking...what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Could say the same to you.”

“Well, yeah, but I didn't just fucking knock a guy out. What are you even doing here? Holy fuck, I can't believe you just...Jeez," Rin leaned over and swiped some more pills from the guy's jacket. He was  definitely going to need to take more of them now.

"He was hurting you, Rin. I don’t want to see you get hurt. Look at you, look at your arms."

  
"It was consensual, Haruka, hell if anything, I deserved it.”

  
Haruka shook his head, “You could never deser-”

  
But, Rin cut him off, “I fucked his boyfriend and besides, it has nothing to do with you. Why are you even here?"

  
Haru hung his head low, "I thought I was doing the right thing by being away from you, but I was wrong. I was so wrong. I had to find you and when I saw you two -"

  
Rin sighed, but his voice had become much more gentle, "I’m happy to see you, Haruka, I am. But, I'm not your problem anymore. Look, go back to the countryside where Makoto is and I'll take care of this."

  
"Why? Why did you walk away from me in the bar? Why did you walk away from me in Makoto’s cafe and why are you walking away from me now?"

  
"Because you need to stop, Haruka. You were on the right track back when you ended it, and everytime you see me, you get sucked back in again and you need to just go be happy. You can’t have that with me," Rin smiled and took another pill, “I was really happy for you when I heard about Makoto from Nagisa. I mean, a little jealous of course, but over all, I’m happy you were able to find him… It was never any fun for me to see you have those nightmares.”

  
He sat down next to the lump on the ground who he had been ready to fuck.

  
"Rin, we shouldn't have stopped. I should have tried to fix you, I should have -"

  
Rin shook his head, "Not your problem, nor your fault, Haruka. I'm sorry about everything, really, but it's not your business, so quit acting like you have any responsibility here. I’ve thought so much about what you said the day you broke up with me. At first I was mad, obviously, but you were right, and I knew it from the beginning, you and me? We didn’t work. I couldn’t commit."

  
The fact Rin apologized surprised Haruka. Rin was as high and as drunk as he had always been and yet, Rin was different. Rin wasn't the same feisty person he had been around Haruka. It was more than the fact Haru could finally see Rin's bruises, Rin was exposed in general. Rin had opened up at some point and matured. That's why he's pushing me away. Because he knows it’s the right thing to do.

  
There was some silence between the two of them, and then, Rin’s curiosity got the best of him. He was massaging the place on the man where Haruka had hit him, “How did you even find me here?”

“Nagisa.”  
“Huh, I expected him to be more on Makoto’s side than mine.”

  
“It may have had something to do with the blowjob.” Rin looked up at Haruka as he said it. Haruka looked rather neutral about it, although, Rin knew well enough to know that Haruka was at least a little angry with Rin about that. Rin felt a bit guilty about it, as much as he had joked around with Nagisa when they were drinking about telling Haruka the two of the were fucking, he never wanted Haruka to know what the two of them had done. Even so, Haruka teased, “I know from experience how effective you could be with them.”

  
Rin laughed, “Ha. That’s funny. I miss that about you, Haruka. Your painfully accurate, cruel mockery of me.”

  
“I have to say I was surprised you did that with him,” Rin wanted to believe that there was some sense of sadness in Haruka’s voice, but Rin didn’t let himself be fooled.

 

Rin sighed, “One more way in which I’m a fuckup, I guess, Haruka.”

  
Rin had stood up now, and he felt the buzz go to his head, tonight he had taken more pills than he had taken in a long time, but then again, Haruka was right in front of him in Tokyo, “He’ll be okay, Haruka, you can go on now. Back to where you belong. If you go back on the morning train, you can get there in time, and Makoto won’t ever have to know you were here. If it were me though, I’d recommend not being dishonest with him. You should give him a real chance, Haruka. You deserve happiness. I imagine this will be the last time you and I ever see each other.”

  
Haruka stared at Rin for a bit. He was processing everything, but then the guy started to twitch and move. The guy that Haruka had knocked out was starting to come to, and so Haruka left. Rin took care of the guy and paid him off for both the pills and the accident, and he went home alone.

XXX

“I’m sorry, I’m sure this hurts you,” Nagisa said softly.

  
Makoto shook his head, the three of them were having breakfast at Makoto’s cafe, “Many years ago, Rin contacted Haruka about you. It must have been back when you were freshmen in college. It was a long, long time ago. Haruka and I were together at the time.”

  
A strange look appeared on Nagisa’s face, a look which Rei picked up on, but Makoto didn’t seem to notice, “I didn’t remember it until recently. It didn’t stand out much back then, just one of the many times where I found myself second to Rin, but when I saw him standing here, in my cafe the other day, it came back full force with a whole lot more pain.

  
“Rin wasn’t particularly dramatic the day we meet at Tokyo U. He was a little put off, but I was there and he never did well when I was around Haruka. Even so, I think the event hurt me more. Whatever he said that day made Haruka decide that he needed to reach back out to you again and really, it wasn’t much. There were no specifics, nothing. Rin wanted something and Haruka did it.

  
“In my cafe the other day, when I saw the way they looked at each other, I realized, Rin’s changed, but that - that is still the same, and that will always be the same. Rin will always have the power to make Haruka do whatever he wants him to, even if he doesn’t know he has it, and even if he doesn’t want to have it. And Haruka has a similar power over Rin, no matter how much Rin may pretend otherwise. Haruka stopped sleeping with Rin because he started to see himself as part of Rin’s problem. Ultimately, Haruka thought that was the only way he could fix Rin.

  
“And it was a game changer, but it didn’t change the love or the fact that if Rin ever needed anything from Haruka, Haruka would drop anyone and anything to give Rin whatever he needed. Rin let Haruka go because he’s finally becoming a better person, but he still has that power over Haru. I’ll never have it. And I’ve known it a long, long time. It hurts, but it’s also, freeing.”

  
This puzzled both Rei and Nagisa.

“I will always lose to him. So, why fight? Why let it get to me? Instead, it inspires me. If I find someone half as in love with me as Haruka is in love with Rin, and vice versa, I’ll be better off than most of the people in the world.”

Rei and Nagisa smiled. Nagisa agreed, “I can get that. But, that doesn’t make it easy.”

Makoto nodded, “But, I’m doing okay. When I dumped Haruka, I had nothing. I came here and I relied entirely on Rei. Look at me now though, I own my own cafe, I have my own apartment, and sure, some months have their challenges, but I’m independent. I don’t need anyone anymore. So, it’s all okay. The two of them, they need each other, but I can handle myself. They can’t live without each other. So tell me, which of us is doing better?”

Nagisa smiled, thinking about his own past, and his own relationships, finally, he said, “Out of all of us, you’re probably the strongest.”

XXX

The following day late in the evening Rin was sitting in his apartment mulling over his thoughts, looking at apartments in New York on the web, and thinking about the fact that Haruka had come to see him. More than that, Haruka had gone to find him on the street. That fucking idiot. He gets a second chance with Makoto. Makoto, the guy who was always better than me, and he still comes here back to me? Fuck, I didn’t deserve him.

  
He sent a quick text to Nagisa.

  
It was a pretty ballsy move for you to tell Haruka about my problem and about us after spending forever making him earn Makoto’s contact info, especially, since you know for sure now that you and I are never going to happen. You must have known that would piss him off enough to come back to Tokyo, thereby fucking shit up with Makoto. So you can consider me mad at you for letting him do that.

  
thot it’d make u happy. n bsides, i owed u ;). sounds like u didnt go 4 it tho

  
Of course I didn’t, asshole. Why the hell do you insist on typing like a moron?

  
y didnt u

  
You know why.

  
u still shudda

  
But, the response to that was too complicated for a text message. And so Rin sat alone in his apartment. He got hungry and so, he started to make dinner. He didn’t hear the lock on his door unclick, and he didn’t notice the intruder at all, until he had finished cooking and set down a plate on his kitchen table. Rin chose not to acknowledge him though and simply sat down and started eating. The intruder perched on his couch.

  
Finally, halfway through the meal, Rin asked, “Why are you here?”

  
“I thought by now our friend from last night might have left,” Haruka answered softly.

  
“I didn’t take him home.”

  
This puzzled Haruka a bit, “But I thought -”

  
“I paid him off and we went our separate ways. Somehow, I didn’t think he was going to want to hook up after what happened. That’s all besides the point though, why are you here, Haruka?”

  
“Can you stop calling me my full name?”

  
Rin agreed to nothing. He played with the fish on his plate.

  
“You and I were best friends, right?”

  
Rin nodded.

  
“When did you fall in love with me, Rin?”

  
This made Rin look up at him, and then, he looked back at his plate. He wanted so badly to tell Haruka things that he had never said to Haruka when the time had been right to say them in the past and everything else had been wrong, but - but this was Haruka’s chance, he reminded himself. I swore I’d let him be free. And with the most empty sound he managed to say, “Love’s not real. I never loved you.”

  
“You’re lying. You’ve always been lying. To me, to yourself, to everyone, and I get why, but for some reason, you started telling Nagisa the truth, and I want to hear it too. Because if I hear it, just once, maybe, maybe we can fix this. And I know, and you have to know, there is no one else in the world for either of us like the other. Not Makoto for me, not Nitori for you, not some guy on the street who can fuck you up and get you high, nothing. No one. It’s me and you or it’s no one for either of us. So, say it, please, just once.”

  
Rin stood up and walked over to Haruka, he sat down on the couch by him, and he looked him straight in the eyes, he held onto one of Haruka’s hands and in the softest manner laid out the words, “Haruka, I love you. I always loved you and I always will love you. It was me who was always afraid to lose you and me that was afraid that you’d get bored with me and leave, or think I was too fucked up and leave. And so, I pushed you away and lost you anyway. But, you, you are perfect and you always have been. It’s me who’s always been the mess.”

  
Haruka’s eyes widened, but unfortunately, Rin wasn’t finished, “Sadly, I understood it all, too late. There was a proper course of action, and I figured it out too far after the fact. I know you were trying to help me when you told me to quit the international training. I know if I had told you in high school about everything, you would have done something. I hope you wouldn’t have punched my Mom like you punched the guy on the street last night,” Rin winked, “but, I know you would have done something. I know you wouldn’t have made fun of me for crying about it, I know it all now. I know you always did everything for me and you always did everything right. I didn’t believe in you enough, or I was too afraid of showing you what a loser I really was. I don’t know. They’re all only excuses anyway.

  
“None of that matters. It doesn’t matter what I say, I hurt you so much and I can never take that away. What I did that night with Nitori and all those other nights, what I did by not talking to you, what I did when I said what we had wasn’t real and didn’t matter and that I didn’t love you, it was all wrong. So, so wrong. You were better than I deserved. And most people are only lucky enough to get one chance with someone as great as you, I had so many and I still fucked it all up.”

  
Haruka felt tears appear in his eyes. But, again, Rin wasn’t finished yet, “But, please, please Haruka, please stand up, and please just walk away, like when you kicked me out. I am begging you to do that. Please. Because, you made the right decision then. You realized that there’s nothing you can do or I can do to change the past. And so, no matter what we do now, it won’t work out. And I know that, but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep shutting you down. If you keep pushing yourself into my life, I’ll give in, and I’ll do it again, I’ll hurt you again and again. And there’s no point. It doesn’t matter whether I say I love you or I want you or anything. Love can’t fix the past and make us have a good future.”

  
“You’re wrong -”

  
“Still not finished, you and I can’t have a good future. It wasn’t meant to be. But, you can have a good future with Makoto, Haruka. If you go to him now, you can tell him you’re really sure it is over, then he’ll succumb to you. He’d be insane not to. And I promise I’ll do my best to stay out of your way. I’ve been thinking about moving to America, I found a nice apartment online in New Yo-”  
But, Haruka had heard enough, he pushed his lips against Rin’s. Rin pulled back, “Haruka, please don’t -”

  
“Stop calling me that, I hate it.”

  
“H-ha…Ru…” Rin obeyed, letting the nickname run off his tongue.

  
“That’s much better. When you use my full name, you feel so far away from me, but Rin, I’m right here. I shouldn’t have thrown you out. I - I fucked up so bad by doing that. I think out of everything, that was actually the biggest mistake made. And it was mine."

  
Rin disagreed, but he let Haruka continue, "I was mad and I was bitter, and I was wrong, and if something had happened to you, oh fuck, if I knew the shit you were doing like you did last night, I would have gone out of my mind to even let you think about walking out the door. I’m not perfect, I’m the mess. I said I was in love with you, but I walked away from you when shit was its worst for you and I needed other people to tell me to go find you again. Will you forgive me?”

  
“Haru, there is nothing in the world, I couldn’t forgive you for. I...I’m sorry too, about all of it, especially about Nitori, that was low, even for me.”

  
Haru nodded, and then he asked, “Do you still love me?”

Rin nodded, “I love you more and more every day. You have no idea what it’s like, being without you... I never thought I’d be this close to you again. I feel guilty for being this close to you,” and he honestly did. He’s was supposed to be with Makoto. He’s was supposed to be free from my pain.

 

“Don’t. If we’re apart, that’s when you should feel guilty, Rin. And the same goes for me. I love you so much, you’re a damn magnet for me. I wanna fuck you, I wanna swim with you, I wanna hold you and I just want to be with you. All the time. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Is this okay?” Rin was referring more to Makoto.

“Yes, it has to be, because it’s you and me.”

“So, what now?”

“Now, we do whatever you want to do,” Haruka wanted so badly for Rin to say that he wanted this to be a serious relationship, like whatever he had been planning to do with Nagisa. But, he also wanted to dominate Rin, a part of him was still a bit annoyed that Rin had tasted Nagisa, and he wanted to give Rin something of a cleanse.

“I can’t decide.”

“Hm?” Haru asked nervously.

“I want to be serious with you, Haru, I want to settle down and I want you to teach me how to do this right. I want today to be the opposite of the locker room, but...there were certain things that happened that day, that I really enjoyed,” Rin’s voice had deepened.

Haruka stopped himself from moaning. It was embarrassing how easy it was for Rin to get a reaction out of him, even after all this time, “I agree. Say you’ll be mine, and then, I’ll show you what that means.”

  
Rin fell back into the couch, no matter what he said to Haruka, Haruka was always ready to take it a step further, in such a sexy way, “I’m yours, you’re mine. Just the two of us.”

  
“Always and forever.”

  
“Always and forever.”

  
“Say you love me again.”

  
“I love you, Haru.”

XXX


	2. Other Canon Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I posted some other canon stuff on FF.net to Untangling the Lanes. This is where I am posting that. Nearly Witches and non-canon stuff will be separate parts.
> 
> I hope that makes sense. I'm really bad at this website.

XXX

 

_Haruka bit harder, and Rin moaned leaning against the locker, “Ha-haru, ah.  Go softer please.”_

_But, Haruka didn’t obey him.  He was mad, he hated Rin, and he hated this undeniable connection to the redhead, Rin begged again, “Haru…”_

_And finally Haruka relented and pulled back.  His eyes had a dark look to them, and Rin didn’t mind that, to him there was something sexy about this new Haru, but still.  Haruka was being a little too rough.  This wasn’t what sex with Haruka was supposed to be like.  Rin could feel the beginning of a hickey on his neck.  Rin leaned in to kiss Haru and their lips touched._

_When they pulled back, the dark look in Haru’s eyes had somewhat softened.  Rin could tell that Haruka had changed since their relationship in high school.  Looking into Rin’s eyes, Haruka’s darker look came back, he swore again, “I really hate you, Rin.”_

_“It’s mutual,” Rin challenged.  Haruka was the one who had left him for Makoto after all, for a relationship._

 

“I love you, Haru,” Rin smiled at him.

Haruka flushed red, he really enjoyed hearing Rin say it, he wanted Rin to say it again and again, “I love you too, Rin.”

And Rin’s cheeks’ color matched Haruka’s.  He hadn’t expected to feel so warm from hearing words like those.  When Haruka said them to him back when they were in high school, he didn’t believe Haruka.  He couldn’t believe Haruka.  Love only exists in the movies, or so he used to think.  And yet, here he was with Haruka, and it was love.  This is love.  This is warmth, this is everything I want, Rin felt tears in his eyes appear, which caused alarm to appear on Haruka’s face, “Haruka, I...I’m so happy.”

And Haruka smiled, kissing the tears off of Rin, “M-me too.”

Rin felt himself harden because Haruka’s soft lips were touching him, his voice deepened again, “Haruka, I...”

“Shhh,” Haruka shushed him, “we can take as long as we want.”

Somehow though, the idea of that made Rin even harder, and Haruka noticed this as he put his hands on Rin’s legs and Rin breathed deeply.

 

_Haruka’s hands slid down Rin’s swimsuit, and revealed him to be very hard.  Haruka’s mouth dropped a bit.  It had been a long time since he had laid eyes on Rin’s manhood, but he remembered every curve of the Rin’s body.  He leaned into Rin’s neck, but instead of biting again, he licked Rin’s neck and kissed down Rin’s chest and stomach.  He wanted to taste Rin’s sweet skin.  Rin put his hand on Haruka’s head and leaned his own head against the locker behind him.  He moaned softly, “Haru…”_

_Rin wanted more.  He enjoyed having Haruka play with him and lick him, but he wanted to feel Haruka inside of him.  He wanted to feel Haruka inside of him now._

_“Rin,” Haruka said, into Rin’s stomach as he slid down, but before he reached Rin’s dick, “I really fucking hate you,” and then, he slid his mouth onto Rin’s dick and deepthroated the redhead._

_Rin moaned, “I know - A-ah!”_

_“Seriously,” Haruka came up for air, “I hate you so much, I wish you never existed, but I can’t fucking stop.”_

 

Haruka pulled back from Rin’s cheeks, and then kissed Rin’s lips.  Rin deepened the kiss.  His mind was blank, nothing else seemed to matter, he focused on the kiss, but he could feel himself melting away.  Haruka pulled back, and the look in his eyes had changed.  Haruka, who had been soft and gentle all night’s eyes had darkened, “Rin, I want you.”

Rin nodded, “I’m yours.”

And so, Haruka began peeling off Rin’s clothes, “Lay down.”

Rin obeyed and leaned against the couch with his ass in the air.  Haruka stared at it for a minute, admiring it, “You still look in-fucking-credible.”

“Same goes to you,” Rin turned his neck to smirk at Haruka.

Haruka smiled and slid his pants and boxers down.  The fact Haruka was wearing boxers, made Rin laugh internally, but when Haruka revealed his dick to Rin, Rin’s mouth gaped.

Haruka smirked, “There’s a nice expression, Rin.”

Rin flushed, while Haruka leaned over and kissed the redhead’s back.  Rin relaxed.  Haruka pulled the lube out of his pants pocket on the ground.

He bought that today before coming here?  Rin thought.

Haruka knew what he was thinking and nodded, “I would have fucked you either way, Rin.  No matter what you said.  I needed to do you again.”

Rin flushed.

“But, this way, is better, isn’t it?”

Rin agreed.  This way was much better.  He felt so damn warm inside.  He could still hear Haruka saying that he loved Rin again and again in his head and it was nice.

 

_Rin’s mouth opened wide and he closed his eyes, he could barely focus on the words Haruka was saying, because Haruka’s hands were moving around his hips and his tongue was, his tongue was - “Ah!  Haruka, please!”_

_Haruka pulled back, “Don’t enjoy this, Rin, I’m serious.”_

_But, Haruka was hard too, and he wanted it.  He wanted Rin bad.  He pulled his swimsuit down and revealed that he was hard.  Harder than he had been in a long time.  Not that that made him happy._

_Rin continued to moan and beg, and finally, Haruka gave it to him._

_Rin turned around and leaned against his locker.  Haruka prepared him, using lube from Rin’s locker, and when he was ready, Haruka slid in, “Oh, fuck, Rin.”_

_Rin moaned, “Haruka - Haruka so, so, big….ah!”_

_“Rin, I-I wanted this a long time,” Haruka found himself admitting.  He didn’t feel the guilt now.  For the moment, this was an escape from that._

_“M-me too, Haruka.  No one else in the whole world is like you, you’re ah, you’re fucking incredible,” Rin meant it too._

He began to prepare Rin with his hands and the lube.  Rin didn’t moan, but he could hardly believe it was Haruka’s hand entering him.  At the same time, Haruka used his other hand to rub Rin’s dick.  This made Rin breathe a bit heavily.  He hadn’t been able to feel the warmth of Haruka’s hand wrapped around him in such a long time.  Looking down at his dick, he recognized Haruka’s hand.  Even if he hadn’t known who was behind him, he would have known it was Haruka just by his hand.  Rin used one of his own hands to steady himself, and the other he placed on top of Haruka’s hand.  Haruka reacted and slid his fingers deeper inside of Rin as a result.  This caused Rin to moan a bit.

Haruka pulled his fingers out of Rin, and looked down at himself.  He was rock hard.  This only happened with Rin.  Something about Rin’s body just made him go insane.  How did I ever swim next to him for so many years without just going crazy?

He lubed himself up and slid in Rin, he couldn’t wait any longer.  Rin tensed a bit as a result and let out of a bit of a groan.  This sound caused Haruka to increase the pace of his hand which was wrapped around Rin a bit.  Rin, who had his hand on top of Haruka’s, had to move it to use both to steady himself.  Haruka felt too good inside him, he couldn’t focus on anything but the feeling of Haruka moving within him.  He tightened his muscles around Haruka’s dick a bit, and moaned, “Haru, god.  I-oh, it - god.  You feel so good.  I - there’s no one else in the world who I love as much as I love you.”

Haruka smiled thrusting a bit more, “I love you too, Rin,” he wasn’t used to Rin expressing this much affection, and it made the event feel even more surreal.

_Haruka smiled slightly, and thrusted in and out of Rin, this was going to be it, this was going to be the release he needed, and then, the next day, he’d swim against Rin and destroy him in the pool._

_Rin was loud, it had been so long since he had felt like this.  No one made him feel the way Haruka did.  A part of him regretted not lying to Haruka before and getting Haruka to stay with him, I forgot how fucking amazing he was, “Harder, please” he said between gasps._

_Haruka obeyed, he had slowed the rhythm down, because he felt himself being near coming and he hadn’t wanted to.  He wanted to have this go for awhile, but he knew it would wether he came or not.  He was going to fuck Rin again and again tonight until he was absolutely spent.  His eyes glanced over at the shower in Rin’s locker room, we could do it there next, he thought.  And that thought alone, the thought that he’d experience this sort of pleasure with Rin for the whole night sent him over the edge, “Rin, Rin I’m gonna -”_

_“Ah, Haru please!  Fill me up, please, please!”_

_Haru obeyed, “I’m coming Rin, I’m gonna come inside of you,” and he felt it rise from within him and go into Rin, he felt Rin’s ass gripping him tighter, keeping all of him inside, “Rin, oh god, you’re so, ahhhhh!”_

Something about the way that Haruka moved within Rin was totally different than it had been in the past.  It was softer in a way, there was still their connection, it still felt incredible, but something about the way that Rin began expressing his love and Haru had started to again had made it all feel so different.  And Rin loved it, “Haru -” he moaned, “This is our best - this is it.  You feel so - god, Haru,” then he commanded, “harder.”

Haru pushed deeper into Rin, “I know, Rin, it feels so good for me too, I, nothing else has ever been like this.”

Haru thought back to his times with Makoto, and that had been gentle too, but there hadn’t been passion.  Not like this.  This was love.  This was true love.

Rin’s mouth was wide open and he was breathing heavily, between pants he continued to beg for more from Haruka.  Finally, Haruka began to hit his prostate, “Rin,” Haruka groaned.

“Haru, I...I want you to cum in me,” Rin begged, “I wanna feel you cum inside me.  I wanna feel your love inside m-m-me-”

Haruka’s eyebrows raised and he felt his legs lock forward, hearing Rin beg for him to cum in him, managed to make Haru even hotter, Haruka succumbed, “Rin, I’m going to.”

Haruka pumped Rin’s dick harder, “Rin, I love you, I love you so much, Rin, I’m going to cum for you.”

Rin moaned, “Yes, Haruka, please, I’m cumming too, please, Haruka, please fill me up.”

 

_“Haru,” in conjunction, Rin came, “I’m coming too, ah, Haru you feel so, so fucking good, ah!”_

_Rin came on his locker._

_And the boys panted from exhaustion.  Haruka slowly removed himself from inside Rin.  Rin turned back around to face, Haruka.  He started to kiss Haruka, but before he did, Haruka said, “Seriously, Rin.  I don’t love you.  I never did.  You were right.  I hate you.”_

_But, Haruka did kiss Rin, and when their eyes closed, Rin felt tears appear in his eyes.  This wasn’t what I wanted.  Not exactly.  But, Rin didn’t know how to express that, nor would he.  It wasn’t like he loved Haruka either._

_I will not cry.  I won’t let him win.  And the tears went away.  Rin pulled back, “Yeah, Haru, I fucking hate you too.  You made me wait forever to get a fuck like that.  And now, now it’s going to be my turn to do you.”_

_Haruka, who wasn’t fully recovered, felt his dick twitch a bit.  He nodded, “Okay, asshole.”_

The two men relaxed on the couch for a minute.  Haruka sat silently, and Rin was the first to speak, “Our best, right?”

Haruka nodded.

Rin leaned in and kissed Haruka, “I love you.”

Haruka nodded, “I love you too.”

Rin bit his lip a bit.

“Don’t make the face,” Haruka commanded knowing exactly what Rin was thinking.

Rin’s lips curled.

Haruka laughed softly, “You’ll get more of me, but give me a bit.”

Rin had incredibly quick recovery time.  Haruka, however, needed some more.  Rin smiled, “I can wait.  We’ve got all the time in the world.”

Rin kissed his forehead and Haruka nodded.

“I love you,” they said together and they curled up on the couch.

 

XXX

 

 

Rin was sitting up on Haru’s bed.  He rarely got up before Haruka.  He looked at the dark haired man sleeping.  Haruka looked so peaceful.  Rin enjoyed moments like these, not that he’d ever admit it.  He wished it was possible for them to last, but he knew it was impossible.  That’s just not how things work for me.

Haruka began to shake a bit.  Rin stared at him more closely.  He knew what this meant.  It was not the first time Rin had seen Haruka do this.  Rin’s head fell back into the headboard.  He hated when Haruka looked like this.  This was what happened when Haruka was dreaming about Makoto.  Rin closed his eyes and waited.

Finally, Haruka shook awake.  He hadn’t been able to breathe and now, he was gasping for air.  He looked around and slowly recognized his surroundings.

Rin began, “S’okay, Haruka.  You’re in your apartment.”

“Rin…” Haruka said slowly, it came with some sense of disappointment, that always made Rin feel horrible.  It always sounded like Haruka had been hoping to see Makoto.  It always sounded like Haruka was disappointed to find Rin instead.

But, Rin still smiled, “He’s fine, you’re fine, we’re all fine.”

“You can’t know that,” Haruka replied, his breathing slowing down, “no one can know that.  No one has seen him in years, and I...it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” Rin answered and he put his hand on Haruka’s shoulder.

Haruka rolled his eyes, “You could never understand what I mean, Rin.”

Rin’s eyes narrowed, but he said nothing.

The conversation shifted suddenly, “When’d you get in last night anyway?”  
Rin sighed, he knew Haruka was really asking who Rin had been with.  He hadn’t been with anyone.  Not lately anyway, but this whole conversation made him want to.  How could Makoto ever have been jealous of me?  “Around 11, I came back here in a taxi with the coach,” and because he was annoyed, Rin added, “you can confirm with him, if you don’t believe me.”

But, Haruka did.  Rin never lied to him.  Rin slept with other people, Rin was cruel, Rin was complex, but Rin wasn’t a liar.  Not to Haruka, at least.  That was part of what hurt, Rin’s truthfulness was always cutting into him, “Preparing for the practice match today?”

“Yeah,” Rin replied, “I’m definitely going to beat you today.”

“You say that all the time,” Haruka was a bit grumpy, and his mind was still on the dream.

Rin didn’t reply, instead he simply got out of bed.

Haruka started to apologize or stop Rin from getting up, but he was still a bit tired.  And so, Haruka rolled back over onto his side and curled up in the covers.

  
XXX

Rin groaned.  It hurt, everything hurt.  His Mom had been pissed at him, and he knew that this was what was going to happen, but he had moved back anyway.  And yet, he found that the pain he felt was insurmountable.  He had forgotten what living at home had been like.  He couldn’t handle it.  He couldn’t talk to Haruka.  Haruka would think he was weak, he never showed that side of himself to Haruka.  He never wanted Haruka to know that side existed.  He definitely didn’t want Haruka to know about what his mom did.  He couldn’t talk to his sister, because it only upset her.  He sighed.  He was laying on his back.  There was practically no one for him to talk to.  He was alone and he was in pain.

Finally, it hit him.  He dialed the number.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I...Nitori, she…” his voice drifted off.  He didn’t like sounding this weak to anyone, but at least Nitori was familiar with the situation.

His voice changed, “What happened?”

“The usual, and it’s fine, I just...god it hurts.”

“Okay.  I’m going to tell you what I want you to do.  I want you to go find her stash, Rin, I want you to find it and I want you to take some of it.  Not too much, but you’ll feel a lot better if you kill some of the pain.”

Rin groaned, “I-I can’t.  I can’t do that to my body.  If I do, I’ll never be able to -”

“Stop thinking about your little competition with Haruka for one freaking second and take care of yourself.  If you don’t do this Rin, you’re going to have to go to the hospital, and which do you think is going to be worse?”

Rin sighed, “Fine.”

He went into his Mom’s room.  He hadn’t been in there in awhile and he was a bit scared to do so.  Nitori stayed on the phone with him while he searched.  He was careful to put everything back where it had been.  He didn’t want her to know that he had been in there.  Finally, he found a bag full of pills, “I think I found something.”

“Send me a photo.”

Rin obeyed.

“That’s Molly.  That’ll do, Rin.  Take one of them.  You only need to take one, Rin, so only take one,” Nitori said gently.

Rin sighed, he wasn’t sure if he should do this.  He didn’t want to do this, he wanted to protect his body.  It was one thing to get drunk with Nitori and have fun, but drugs were a whole different game.  His body ached though.  Finally, he slipped the pill in his mouth.  He didn’t listen to Nitori, who warned him to only take one.  His body, his heart, it all hurt too much, and so, he bumped two.

He stashed the bag back where he had found it, and Nitori told him to just go lay on his bed and listen to music, “Rin, you should really consider coming back here.”

Rin sighed.  He didn’t say anything, but he knew he’d pay a visit to Nitori that weekend.  By the time he got back to his bed, Rin was already feeling better.  He felt more connected.  He felt good.  He felt euphoric.  He laid on his bed listening to music and relaxing.

He didn’t even notice when his Mom came home.  Nor did he care, when she found out that he had taken part of her stash.  He called her a bitch, and he felt too damn high to care or to feel what happened.  And for once, he felt like he had control over his life.  

But, at the end of the night, he realized he had none, and she made sure it stayed that way.

  
XXX

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
